How to get rid of envy of other people? How to get rid of all-consuming envy.

11.10.2019

Envy is one of the ambiguous feelings of a person. On the one hand, it is attributed to sins and is considered as a factor that hinders the development of the individual and depresses the human condition. But on the other hand, envy can become a powerful motivational stimulus, then a person is not poisoned by his own "poison", but inexorably moves forward, trying to achieve what is the subject of envy. What is envy? And what impact does it have most often? Is it possible to envy in a kind way, the so-called white envy? Or any envy needs to be eradicated? Let's figure it out.

Envy is the product of the envious person himself. Other people have absolutely nothing to do with it, they are busy with their own affairs and problems. Those whom we envy may not even know about our existence, and even more so they did not want to cause this envy (in any case, it was with us). Why do we envy, how it is connected with our inner world:

Envy is often intertwined with greed and jealousy. But all together they are rooted in the past or childhood.
Envy is characteristic of unfulfilled, unloved, unhappy people.
An envious person will always find something or someone to envy. Because he always feels unhappy, unrecognized, unloved. And he thinks that if he had “something” and he would definitely be understood, noticed, recognized, loved.

Envy is an emotion that each of us has experienced for ourselves. Repeating often, it becomes a character trait or. Then the person is called envious. But not all people are like that.

The composition of envy depends on what exactly we paid attention to: the result of an activity or a process, a person’s actions. In the second case, “white envy” occurs more often. This is a complex of joy and pride for a person, admiration for his skills and much less regret about his own lost opportunities. For example, older people may envy the young and energetic in this context.

If we are amazed by the result, then more often there is a "black envy" and a desire to surpass this result (perhaps by any means). There is a third option - envy, accompanied by resentment and annoyance, wishes of misfortune to this person. She also belongs to the "black".

Envy forms the following character traits:

boasting (including with elements of lies and exaggeration);
fear of failure and inadequacy;
belittling (within the framework of its interpretation) the achievements of the object of envy (exaggeration of oneself against this background, “let them envy me” and the manifestation of gloating);
exaggeration of other people's successes;
desire to begin to envy (ostentatious acts for the sake of envy).

Most noticeably, these personality traits of an envious person are manifested in communication. In interpersonal relationships, the difference between "white" and "black" envy is also clearly visible. In the first case, a person wants to elevate himself and develop, to have the same as the object of envy. In the second case - to humiliate the object of envy and deprive him of the object of envy. If the "white" envy contributes, then the "black" one hinders it and makes it degenerate.

Envy and the subconscious, consciousness

Envy grows out of self-abasement. But where does self-humiliation come from - the main question that needs to be solved. Envy is the recognition of one's own powerlessness and failure. That is why people are so afraid to admit it even to themselves. Strong and self-confident people with adequate are practically unfamiliar with the concept of envy. Except for them.

Rejection of the very thought of envy, and even more so of its causes, is the most popular and simplest. But you will have to overcome it if you want to get rid of envy. In addition to denial, the mechanisms of mythologization (recognition of superpowers in someone or something) and self-justification of oneself due to this, rationalization (belittling the achievements of the object of envy) are popular.

Consciously, envy is balanced by pride in one's actions. As long as pride outweighs, we admire other people, but do not envy them. If we have nothing to be proud of, and before our eyes someone's successes, then self-humiliation and envy come. Envy is a recognition and reaction to one's own inadequacy.

Stages of development of envy

How does the formation of envy occur from the position of psychoanalysis? In several stages.

Idealization, that is, the exaggeration of something positive and the downplaying of something negative in a person. The same is true for strengths and weaknesses, strengths and weaknesses, defeats and victories. In general, anything. Idealization is a distorted perception of another person. The envious person allegedly appropriates other people's shortcomings and gets rid of his own virtues, endowing them with the object of envy. It is worth understanding and realizing this, starting to behave emotionally opposite, and envy will begin to disintegrate.
Self-humiliation, complete self-depreciation and harm to the object of envy. A person, sometimes without realizing it, own emotional behavior starts to provoke the opponent. A state of paranoia develops. In its form, when a person tries to expel hatred for himself from himself and, as a result, hates the one he envies.

Thus, first a person absorbs negative traits and failure of the object of envy, endows him with his own virtues, devalues himself. And later, being annoyed and offended by this, he projects back on him full of shortcomings. As a result, a person devotes so much energy to his experiences that he is completely absorbed in hatred and is incapable of productive actions.

How to stop being jealous

First of all, admit this feeling to yourself. Recognize and accept the fact that you are jealous.
Think of envy as a guide to the world of your inner problems. She indicates sick and imperfect points, unsatisfied, hidden desires, the true "I".
Focus on what you have. Write down all your blessings, successes, dignity. Everything that you have and that someone could also envy. Yes, you don’t have your own home yet, but you have an amazing partner and excellent mutual understanding in a relationship. Yes, you did not take a leadership position by quitting, but you did not betray your dream and are doing what you love.
You can always find someone stronger, smarter, more interesting, or at least equal in strength, but a little more successful in one single thing. It doesn't have to be a person from the present. Envy knows no boundaries. You can envy the heroes of books, and real historical figures, and the whole people of another era. Realize it. Don't you think such scales are destructive?
Our psyche is arranged in such a way that it can always find someone better than us and someone worse, especially if we are prone to envy. That's the way man is. Our needs and demands tend to grow. If life is aimless, then this process will be chaotic. Specify the trajectory of your movement.
Have a clear system of ideas about your life: values, meanings, priorities, goals. We envy what is important to us, but is not ours. Refocus your attention, direct your energy not to living the envy and curse of an unsuspecting person, but to achieving the goal. Make the object of envy your goal and go for it. In fact, this is good envy, or envy-motivation.
The second option is to devalue what you don't have. Think about it: is it really important and significant for you to acquire an object of envy? Possessing it, will you really become the happiest person at the same moment? Unlikely. The real reason goes deeper. And until you solve it, you will find more and more reasons for envy.
Comparing yourself to others, that is, self-esteem, is another reason for the development of envy. People with inadequate self-esteem are more prone to envy. Learn to compare yourself with yourself, and you will find harmony.
If you are busy with your self-realization, then you have no time to look at other people. Take care of yourself. Find your path and follow it. Find a hobby, become a good specialist, create a family, constantly develop, set goals and go to them. Then you will have no time to look around, and even more so to envy.
In the end, think: why do you need what you envy? To be simple? It doesn't fit. The desired subject should benefit you, positively influence development (physical, mental, emotional, personal). And to what extent is the object of envy applicable to your life? Will it be just as appropriate and beneficial as in the life of an object of envy? If you think about these questions, it often turns out that, for example, an army of friends and world fame are not really needed, but two reliable friends are needed side by side. And if you look even better, it turns out that they already exist.

Envy cannot be completely eradicated, but it can be managed and left as an emotion rather than a character trait. To regulate envy, you need to learn to be content with a certain amount of something. No, not to be content with little, although (someone has such a norm), but to establish a “ceiling” in every area of life. This is the level of benefits that will be enough for you. The fact is that, having no boundaries, you will always feel deprived, offended, unsatisfied.

Write down on a piece of paper the areas that are significant for you, with what benefits you will be happy in love, family, finances, work, life, and personal development. Of course, it is human nature to change and grow, so you can shift these bars in accordance with your inner world. But you can shift only after reaching the previous line and when comparing the goal and real possibilities.

The boundary method can be used in every, even insignificant matter. It is easier for our brain to achieve what we want if we set small goals for it. For example, not to lose weight by 30 kg, but to lose weight by 5, then another 5. This increases our motivation, self-confidence and self-esteem.

So, you can regulate envy with the help of:

and what we cannot change;
correcting what we can change;
achieving the desired;
depreciation of the object of envy;
giving value to existing goods.

We do not envy something specific, we envy the fact that a person is happy, successful, loving, self-sufficient, prosperous. But everyone can do it.

How to get rid of envy and anger: recommendations of a psychologist. How to stop envying people, girlfriend.

In my previous article, I defined envy, explained its causes, and talked about what envy can lead to if it is not controlled and reduced. In this article, I will give recommendations that will help you control envy of other people and reduce it. Negative influence for your life. I will also say a few words about what to do if you are envied, how to overcome hostility and condemnation from others.

First of all, it is worth accepting the fact that Each of us experiences jealousy from time to time. to another person, this is a natural feeling and should not be ashamed of it. Despite the fact that envy is condemned both by society and religion, this feeling is inherent in all people, especially those who most zealously condemn others for feeling envious. We cannot tolerate in others what we do not accept in ourselves.

“All that glitters is not gold”, or another person's life may not be as good as we think. Social networks give people the opportunity to create the desired image of themselves and present beautiful picture own life. Looking through the news feed of our friends, we sometimes catch ourselves thinking that we compare our achievements and successes, our partner, the standard of living and well-being with what our environment shows us in our photos and posts. Sometimes someone else's life seems to us almost ideal, so alluring and desired that we sink into a viscous feeling of envy and slide into dissatisfaction with our own lives. It is worth remembering that the vast majority of people put on display only the best moments of their lives, triumphs that are often exaggerated, the most good photos. No one wants to show their failures, problems and difficulties, which, to one degree or another, are always present in the life of each of us.

Often we idealize what the object of our envy has , whether it's a partner, financial well-being, lifestyle or appearance. It seems to us that he got all this easily, that he was just lucky. In addition, we do not think about the pitfalls of having the value that we envy, about how the object of our envy actually got it. Do you want the same slender figure as your girlfriend? Are you ready to go to the gym and swimming pool 2-3 times a week, lead a healthy lifestyle, give up unhealthy foods, including your favorite cakes and chocolate? Or maybe you are jealous of a colleague who was recently promoted? In this case, ask yourself, are you ready to fulfill her duties, to bear the responsibility that this position implies?

There is a wonderful parable of envy.

The clerk, leaving the office, looked at the palace of the emperor with its sparkling domes, and thought: “What a pity that I was not born in royal family, life could be full of pleasures, I would do what I want and live as I please!” And he went towards the center of the city, from where the rhythmic knock of a hammer and loud screams could be heard.

These workers were building a new building right on the square. One of them saw the clerk and thought: “Oh, why didn’t I go to study, as my father told me, I could now do not hard work, but rewrite texts, and life would be so easy and carefree and joyful.”

And the emperor at that time approached the huge bright window in his palace, and looked at the square. He saw workers, clerks, salesmen, customers, children and adults, and thought how good it must be to be on fresh air, engage in physical labor or work for someone and not think about politics at all, marry for no reason, do whatever you want, not be afraid of assassination attempts and other related high status. “What, probably, simple and happy life my subjects,” he thought sadly.

Developing mindfulness helps to cope with your envy about which I wrote in articles:

If you are aware of what and why you are doing at every moment of time, you are able to control it. When you look at photos of your friends and acquaintances, or when a friend is enthusiastically talking about another trip, or about her wonderful relationship with her husband, stop and realize what is happening to you now. What do you feel? What emotions are you experiencing? What thoughts come to mind? If you understand that now you are jealous, use this feeling to your advantage. Take your envy as an indicator of dissatisfaction. What area of your life needs change? In addition, it can be useful to ask yourself, do I really want what I now envy? What is the price of having this value and am I willing to pay it?

Cultivating Gratitude Helps Reduce the Negative Impact of Envy . Learn to appreciate what you have today. Having achieved success, we quickly forget about it, carried away by new goals and new projects. Do not discount what you have achieved in your life, remember what efforts you made for this and what you had to go through. At least once a day, say “thank you” to yourself and the world for what you have, for those people who are nearby, for the knowledge and skills that you have, for the well-being that you have. Remember, millions of people living on Earth do not have even half of what you have, many of them are fighting for survival and dreaming of the simple joys of life. Be grateful for where you are now, set bold goals and take steps to achieve them!

If you are envied and condemned for your achievements, if someone spreads gossip about your life, makes sharp remarks, criticizes your appearance or personality in general, just remember and smile at these people in response. Understanding and empathy help to overcome the negative attitude of others who see this world differently and your life seems to them a little different from what it really is.

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Envy is a bad character trait, envy is a vice, envy does not add happiness ... Yes, we all have heard about something like that and you can’t argue with that! But jealousy is very difficult to deal with. The more we scold ourselves for envy and try to get rid of it, the stronger it becomes. Sometimes, in desperation, you want to give up on everything and once again be convinced of your own impotence. Amuse yourself by hatching plans for revenge, even if only in your thoughts.

Or maybe there is a better way that you don't know about?

Parable about envy. A peasant's fox killed his only turkey, leaving only an egg laid in the morning. Upon learning of this, the neighbor offered to buy an egg for good money. His mother hen was just hatching chickens. The peasant thought and thought, and the next day he gave him the egg. Soon chickens hatched from the eggs, but the turkey chick was never born ... Before giving the egg to a neighbor, the man boiled it.

Let's start with the fact that admitting to envy is already half the battle on the way to getting rid of envy. There are people who are unable to admit to themselves its existence.

Although the same gossip and slander is one of the forms of envy. "No one hits a dead dog". In saying this, Dale Carnegie was absolutely right: if someone is discussed, no matter in a positive or negative way, then he is not an empty place. If they try to humiliate, put him in an unsightly light - he has achieved something, someone needs to look better in his own eyes and in the eyes of others against his background. The reason for this is one's own insecurity, belief in one's own inferiority, unattractiveness, bad luck, etc. Even defiantly pitying someone, the pitying one "confesses" his subconscious fear of being in his place.

What to do? Feelings and emotions are not directly under our control. You can state the existence of negative feelings, or ignore them. Until some point! Fearing to admit to ourselves any emotions and feelings or declaring war on them not for life, but for death, we assign to them powers and indestructible authority. Because no one fights such bitterness with something insignificant. Ignoring emotions, we subscribe to our own helplessness to do anything, to change the situation in our favor.

There is black and white envy. Black envy aims to deprive someone of "undeserved" advantages, means, attitudes of other people, etc. Restore justice, in other words. Because it is impossible to achieve something like this, the envious believes. (And in truth, there is not even a need!) Therefore, it would be more correct for the lucky one to experience suffering equivalent to the suffering of an envious person.

White envy to some extent recognizes the justice and deserving of the joy and pleasure of another. If only because he is somehow cute, perhaps partially worthy of having his "advantages"".

The more a person envies, the more he believes in his own helplessness, inability to get what others have.

If you think about it, everyone has something to admire and envy. But the envious one does not see his own strengths, the advantages of their appearance, behavior, lifestyle, character. Even noticing something like this, he does not appreciate what he has, considering them unimportant and insignificant.

Parable "Dreams of the Emperor". The clerk, leaving the office, looked at the emperor's palace with its sparkling domes, and thought: "It's a pity that I was not born into a royal family, life could be so simple..." hammers and loud cries. These workers were building a new building right on the square. One of them saw a clerk with his papers and thought: "Oh, why didn't I go to study, as my father told me, I could now do light work and rewrite texts all day, and life would be so simple ..." And the emperor in this time went to a huge bright window in his palace, and looked at the square. He saw workers, clerks, salesmen, customers, children and adults, and thought how good it must be to be out in the open air all day, doing manual labor, or working for someone, or even being a street bum, and quite don't think about politics and other things difficult questions. "What, perhaps, simple life, these ordinary people, he thought sadly.

Envying another, a person transfers all his attention and internal energy from his advantages to the supposed advantages of another, thereby his own unique abilities and favorable opportunities remain in their infancy. Although this is where the gold mine is buried! But envy does not appear from scratch, it especially loves the unfortunate victims of circumstances or those who consider themselves to be such. And all because the envious person thinks too low of himself. He himself is of little value, his success is not significant, faith in his own strength is weak, and therefore, all that remains is to envy the happy and prosperous. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that an envious absolute loser achieves success, but in something of his own, he just does not attach importance to his advantages, he does not know how to enjoy his victories. Because someone else's is always better. At the same time, people who do not suffer from envy, in this case, are sheer egoists - they do not think about others, about someone else's triumph, they do not care about revenge on others, although they were also offended - they think about themselves, how to make themselves better, how to achieve success in that what they are strong at.

Understanding why envy arises will make it easier to deal with it. The energy spent on envy (and as you know, negative emotions take a lot of mental and physical strength and prevent you from enjoying life) must be transformed into an emotion of growth, development, and success related to envy. Your success!

You can control feelings and emotions. Since nothing can be done with envy, continue to envy admiring!

When you see another doing good, support him by following his example.

The one we admire, we try to imitate. Admiration is a polite recognition of similarity with oneself.

If envy says: “But I don’t have it (and won’t),” then admiration confidently declares: “Cool, I also want that (I know where to grow)!” Envy gets hung up on its minuses, admiration is imbued with the spirit of joy from the possession of pluses. Admiration for topics is similar to envy, which recognizes for another person his abilities, dignity and advantages, and the lack of these resources at the moment. Vos stealing someone or something, you, whether you like it or not, are engaged in embezzlement(it was from this verb that the word admiration arose) of other people's pluses. How is this possible? Admiration is akin to love, there is even such a proverb: in order to defeat the enemy, you need to love him, get to know him better, in other words, the secrets of his skill.

I don't have idols. I admire the work, dedication and skill. Ayrton Senna

A parable about the power of admiration. In one eastern country, in the garden of the padishah, a rose of remarkable beauty bloomed. And she was so beautiful that the news of her spread throughout the world. And messengers from kings, kings, tangerines went to the padishah with a rich ransom for a rose. And they came to the padishah and asked to give the rose to the garden to their ruler for big money and gifts. The padishah said the same thing to all: "Go and take it." But he did not tell that the beautiful rose had long and sharp thorns that did not allow him to pick it up, and therefore take it away. The messengers went into the garden, threw pearls, silks in front of the rose, gems. But the rose was impregnable. And then one day a prince came to this eastern country to look at a wonderful rose, about which he had heard a lot. I saw her and fell in love. He could not eat, drink, sleep, he only thought about the rose. But he knew what to take with him this beautiful flower he is unlikely to succeed. And then he came into the garden, fell on his knees, and said: "A beautiful rose! You are so beautiful that I cannot think of anything else. You are so beautiful that I cannot even ask you to leave with me, I can only express my admiration and tell about your beauty to everyone you meet on your way." Rose was amazed by the words of the prince: words of admiration and recognition, which turned out to be more precious than all the money in the world, and she threw off her thorns. And he was able to take her and took her to his country, where she was admired for many more years.

In any case, the object of your admiration will become a guiding star for you, not allowing you to go astray. You have real chances to catch up and overtake the one you admire. And continuing to admire, getting to know him better, you may be surprised to find that your ideal is not at all so perfect, he has weaknesses, he, like everyone else, makes mistakes from time to time, and other aspects of his life are not at all as perfect as it seemed at first. "Jinxed" just about that - everyone makes mistakes, no one is impeccably perfect.

Admiration is not fanaticism or worship. The last two suggest that you initially place yourself on a lower level than the object of worship. You are comparing and this comparison is not in your favor. You do not even allow the thought of something like this personally with you. Comparing yourself with others, it is impossible to achieve self-satisfaction: there will always be someone better than you in something. By admiring, you subconsciously approach what or whom you admire.

Envy can poison life and take away joy, it has no limits, it is never satisfied. This feeling finds nourishment in everything, even in someone else's misfortune. Do not allow envy to develop, this vice must be eradicated in the bud.

Dependence is a bad feeling. And the worst thing is that it has a detrimental effect only on the one who is envious and does not harm the object of envy at all.

So why torture your soul with stupid thoughts? Let's learn better how to stop envy and get rid of such a vice once and for all.

1. Understand yourself

Often we envy not a person, but his position in society, believing that we ourselves are in no way inferior to this lucky person. There is some truth in these thoughts. How often have you thought that "it's me, and not he deserves more", because you will agree that you thought so.

But what stopped you from achieving what you wanted? Indeed, you were in equal conditions, but, for example, Eugene worked more than you and therefore received a promotion.

Well, after analyzing the cause investigative connection you will be able to change those bad character traits in yourself that prevent you from achieving what you want. Start fighting your own laziness or indecision and you will see that the appearance of positive bonuses as a bonus to wages will not keep you waiting.

2. Fly in the ointment in a barrel of honey

Usually the person we envy seems to us an ideal in the flesh. Everything is good and wonderful. He is praised everywhere. And strangely enough, but he is successful in all endeavors. Although we do not know for sure whether this is actually the case?

After all, usually we only see the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, a beautiful shell, but no one knows what the candy will taste like. Perhaps a barrel of honey has long been spoiled by the notorious spoon of honey. Agree that we often hear stories about famous people deeply unhappy, although they are successful and influential.

It is difficult for them to find love, relatives do not understand them and do not support them. Looking at the situation from this angle, you will surely find negative moments in the life of the object of your marriage. Perhaps he has other problems, for example, with children, or he is divorcing his wife, or simply due to constant work in front of a computer monitor, this person's eyesight is falling?

Think about such things and you will be surprised how your thoughts about this person will change. After all, he no longer seems to you a celestial, but a completely normal person with his own problems and experiences. Think more often about the fact that everyone has problems that you do not know about. Try to help people, as if in advance. And where there is mutual assistance and compassion, there is no room for envy.

3. Do not create an idol for yourself

This simple truth has been known since the Bible. But how many manage to follow it. We all compare ourselves to others all the time. We are striving for something. We look up to someone. Willy-nilly, we have a collective image, such an idol, a better life.

But it has long been known that the best is the enemy of the good. Look at yourself. If you are alive, not sick, you have a job and a reliable roof over your head, then you are already happy. Add to this the opportunity to communicate with loved ones and loved ones, the pleasure of traveling to the sea or the countryside.

4. You are a happy person

Try to appreciate what you already have - family, children, work. After all, the constant desire to get to conquer more and more amazing goals, make dreams come true (or simple envy of those who have it all) does not leave time for simple enjoyment of the moment and life in general.

Review your values. Prioritize in order of importance. Put the values you already have as the first item. Spend time with your family around the kids. It is the immediate joy of each new day of the kids that can cause tears of tenderness.

But they rejoice in every little thing. Learn to see the good, the happy owner of which you have already become. And like, as you know, attracts like, which means that you will have big changes in your life. There will be even more good things in it, simply magical events will begin to happen (the child will bring 5 in algebra) and there will be no room for anger and envy at all.

5. Don't put your health at risk

Doctors have long proven that emotions can affect our health no worse than viruses and infections. It is logical that positive emotions such as joy, cheerful laughter are able to heal.

So then, negative emotions, for example, anger, resentment and envy can cause illness. Remember this rule every time a seed of envy sprouts in your soul. Immediately switch your mind to something good.

Think about how expensive it is to be treated today. One trip to the doctor often cost a tidy sum. And it is not always possible to make the correct diagnosis in time. And plus to this bad state of health and bad mood. Agree that not the most pleasant symptoms.

It’s better to spend that money on a family vacation, for example, on the seashore on a Turkish beach, than on buying pills, isn’t it? Truth! So chase envy with a filthy broom, we are fine without it.

Yes, by the way, try to lead a healthy lifestyle (do not smoke or drink) and be sure to play sports (even just get in the habit of walking before bed). After all, the whole point is that during such classes and physical activity a hormone is produced that is responsible for a joyful mood. It is also called the hormone of happiness.

Today I will answer a question how to get rid of envy stop envying people. Envy is a common vice that is reflected in various cultures and traditions. For example, in Catholic theology, envy is one of the seven deadly sins associated with other vices and crimes.

Indeed, because of envy, many terrible deeds are committed, which people later regret. But even if a person does not splash out envy, it eats him up from the inside, making him feel senseless pain and frustration due to the fact that other people have things that this person would like to have or possess. personal qualities which the envier desires to possess.

This pain is meaningless because it leads to nothing but suffering. Envy, dissatisfaction, which is known in comparison with other people, does not bring us closer to what we envy so much: money, attention, social status, external attractiveness. Instead of sharing the joy of success with another person or using his example as a life lesson, we envy, subconsciously wish him failure, cultivate hatred for ourselves and suffer ourselves.

But the insidiousness of envy lies not only in the fact that it causes other vices, such as hatred, intolerance, irritation and despondency. The fact is that envy is unsatisfactory. No matter how rich we are, someone will still be richer than us. If we get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, then in any case, we will someday meet people who are more physically attractive than us. And if we are the undoubted leader in one thing, then there will always be people who will surpass you in something else. The outer world will not allow us to finally satisfy our sense of envy.

How to stop being jealous of people

All this does not mean that this feeling cannot be got rid of. But in order to do this, it is necessary to direct the impact on the mental mechanisms of the appearance of this feeling, and not on the objects. outside world that supposedly evoke this feeling. After all, the causes of all your emotions and desires lie within you. I hope this article will help you overcome these reasons. I will tell you how you need to work on yourself in order to achieve this.

1 - Don't feed your envy

Many people, when they begin to envy, instinctively try to stop envy. in the following way. For example, they are offended by the fact that their neighbor has more money than they are. To cope with this feeling, they begin to think: “So what if he is richer? But I’m smarter, I got a better education and my wife, although not as beautiful, is younger than his.”

Such arguments cool off envy a little and allow you to feel more worthy and worthy. developed person than your neighbor, whose wealth must have been ill-gotten.

This is the natural way of thinking of a person experiencing envy. Many psychological articles give advice in the same vein: “Think about your strengths and good qualities. Find something that makes you better than other people!”

Also, such sources recommend looking for what lies behind the external well-being of the object of envy, offering to pacify your envy by thinking that things may not be as good for the people you envy as they seem from the outside.

Perhaps your neighbor's wealth does not come easy, he has to invest a lot of effort and, most likely, he does not even have time to spend all this money. And his wife, perhaps, has the character of a bitch and takes out all her anger on a neighbor when he returns from a tedious job.

In my opinion, such advice does not serve the purpose of eliminating envy, although it would seem that they correspond to common sense considerations. Why do I think so?

Because when you're trying to deal with your envy in a similar way, you go on pandering to it, feeding it. After all, you do not force this "demon" of envy to shut up. Instead, you politely reassure him with a sense of your own superiority over others, or the knowledge that outsiders are not doing as well as they seem. Is it possible to defeat this "demon"? After all, he will gratefully swallow these arguments, but he will become full only for a while!

It's like throwing it to the hungry and vicious dog a bone so that he would occupy his mouth with something and stop barking and chewing on the bars of the cage in which he sits. But sooner or later he will gnaw the bone anyway. She will not satisfy his appetite, but only excite him even more! And his fangs will become sharper, sharpening on the bone.

Therefore, I believe that one should not feed one's envy with such exhortations. This does not mean that you should consider yourself worse than others in everything. It means simply accepting what is, not wishing any people to fail and not putting yourself above others.

The "demon" of envy will die only when you stop feeding it the fruits from the tree of your self-importance.

I have to apply this principle in my life quite often. For example, I notice that my friend has a great sense of humor, much better than mine. I instinctively begin to think: “but, I speak and express my thoughts better than him ...”. But then I interrupt myself: "Stop! No "but". Just my friend better feeling humor than mine. That is the fact. And that's all."

This calm acceptance that someone is better than you at something without any "indulgences" from your ego requires a certain amount of courage. But this is the only way to defeat your vice and starve the "demon" of envy.

Of course, this alone is not enough. Probably, not everyone will understand how to come to this. Further, I will try to give other tips that will help you, without unnecessary emotions, admit that you are not an ideal person and there are people who are better than you in some way. I don't want to say that you have to put up with it completely and not improve your qualities. Not at all. I will also discuss in this article how self-development has to do with envy. But first things first.

2 - Get rid of the sense of justice

Envy is often associated with our ideas of justice. It seems to us that our neighbor (long-suffering) does not deserve the money that he earns. You should earn such money, because you are smart, educated, intelligent, not like your neighbor, who is not interested in anything but beer and football, and you even doubt whether he graduated from school.

Dissatisfaction is born due to the discrepancy between reality and your expectations., frustration. But it is important to understand that ideas about justice exist only in your head! You think: “Actually, I should be earning more than I get.” Who should? Or why should they? The world exists according to its own laws, which do not always correspond to your concepts of right and wrong, fair and unfair.

This world doesn't "owe" you anything. Everything in it happens as it happens and in no other way.

When you start thinking about the injustice done to you, you look at it from the angle of those things that are not in you, but are present in someone else and are the objects of your envy. But at the same time, for some reason, you do not think about those things that you already possess.

You ask: “Why don’t I have such an expensive car as my neighbor, where is justice?”
But you don't ask, “Why do I have a house and someone doesn't? Why can I even desire this car at all, and some people are born disabled, with severe physical limitations and cannot even think about women or cars?

Why don't you ask where is the justice in the latter case? Do you really think that injustice is only done to you?

Such is the world. It does not always meet our expectations. Get rid of all "shoulds". .

3 - Wish people well

Learn to celebrate the success of others and not suffer because of them. If your friend or close person achieved some success, then it's good! This is a person close to you, to whom you probably wish good and prosperity, because you feel sympathy or love for him (otherwise he would not be your friend).

And it's just fine if this friend bought himself new apartment in Moscow or married a smart and beautiful woman. Try to be happy for him! Of course, when you try to do this, you will be met with a sense of injustice: “Why does he have it and I don’t?”

Instead, think that at least one of you has something and it's better than if none of you had it.

"I" and other "I"

Many human vices come from we cling very strongly to our "I", believing that the desires, thoughts, needs of this "I" are much more important than the needs of someone else's "I".

And envy also comes from this attachment. We think that the fact that we have or don't have certain things matters much more than whether other people have these things. Technically, it makes no difference who drives an expensive Jeep, you or your neighbor. Just a jeep belongs to someone and someone uses it. But from within your "I" this fact becomes of great importance. It is important for you that this jeep is yours, it is you, your “I” that enjoys driving it, and not the “I” of someone else! There is nothing surprising here. It is nature that has made man such that he puts his own "I" at the center of all existence.

But this does not mean that this order of things is final and unchanging. People very rarely think about the following thing: “why is my happiness and satisfaction so much more important than the happiness and satisfaction of another person?” If they thought about it more often, then, in my opinion, they would have a chance to understand that their "I" is not the most important thing in the world that other people are various “Selves”, each of which wants something just like you, strives for something just like you, suffers and rejoices just like you.

And this understanding should open the way for a person to empathy and empathy, which will allow sharing someone else's joy and deeper understanding of someone else's suffering. It's not just some moral ideal, it's a way to stop clinging to own desires, as the most important thing in the world and gain independence from these desires and from the fact that not all desires we can satisfy.

The more a person considers his "I" the most important thing in the world, the more he suffers.

5 - Think about development!

It happens that envy appears for the reason that other people's successes and virtues remind us of our own imperfections and shortcomings. Against the background of other people, we begin to seem like losers to ourselves, weak people and this causes an acute feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself and envy.

But after all, even if we are really worse than others in something, this does not mean that it will always be so! It is from the conviction that our personality cannot change and go beyond innate abilities that it forms many vices: painful conceit, intolerance of failure, rejection of criticism and envy.

A person with such an attitude, instead of developing, directs all his efforts to prove that he is better, smarter than others from birth. Prove, first of all, to yourself. But reality will not always echo his expectation, causing acute disappointment and rejection. This point has found brilliant treatment in the book.

We can develop those qualities that we envy when we see other people.

After all, if we think about our qualities in this way, then there will be less reason for envy, because the unfavorable verdicts that we make to ourselves, comparing ourselves with other people, will not be final! We will stop dwelling on our allegedly unchanging imperfection, which is most clearly manifested against the background of the merits of others, and we will strive to change. We can become better and get closer to what we envy so much.

Of course, the idea that we can become as smart (or rich) as our friend if we put in the effort and become (or learn how to make money) can inspire a person and help him cope with feeling jealous of a friend.

But, nevertheless, you should not completely convert envy into motivation for development. After all, if we develop only in order to become better than some people, then we will endure the notorious disappointment. First, anyway, someone will be better than us. Secondly, some qualities, we will not be able to develop much anyway. As much as we want it, we can't get the look of a Hollywood actor. Thirdly, our expectations and hopes will not always come true. Even with titanic efforts, we may not achieve what we so desired.

Therefore, on the one hand, you should develop your qualities because it will help you become better and happier, and not in order to feed your pride. On the other hand, you need to accept yourself as you are, especially where you cannot change yourself and be prepared for the fact that your plans will not come true. This is a delicate balance between the desire to develop, become better, self-acceptance and readiness for anything. If you find this balance, you will be much happier and less envious of other people.

6 - Be prepared to take responsibility for the path you have chosen

Each person to choose their own path. This choice does not have to happen only once in a lifetime. This path is like a forked road, where forks are common. Different paths have different benefits. And the advantages that are on one path may be absent on the other.

Therefore, you do not need to compare your path with the path of another person, because you yourself made your choice, and the other person also made his choice.

If your used car with a rattling engine is overtaken on the highway by a huge, shiny jeep that you recognize as someone you know behind the wheel, then know that this person is following a different path from yours.

Maybe at one time you made a bet on freedom from daily labor, a large number of time that you can devote to yourself or your family, and not to earning money. Whereas the man in the jeep decided that he would spend a lot of time at work in constant thoughts about how to earn more. He took risks, aspired for more, and as a result of his labors, he was able to afford to buy this jeep.

Everyone chose his own and got what was supposed to be his choice, you - freedom and personal life, someone else - money.

But the choice is not always conscious. Maybe your friend in an expensive car at one time chose the opportunity to work hard for his future, get a good education and a job. And you, at the same time, preferred momentary pleasure to your future: skipped classes at the institute, went for a walk, drank and had fun. And this is also a choice, although you might not be aware of it.

So be prepared to be responsible for the consequences of your choices. This is your path and you choose it yourself. And by the way, you can always change it. Then what can be envious at all?

But if, say, you and your friend initially chose the same thing: education, then work and money, but the result is different for each of you: you drive a wreck, and he drives a beautiful jeep. You work as much as he does, but you don't get a significant result. What to do in this case? And here we come again to the concept of justice

What determines your path?

You can accept that your path is determined not only by your choice, but also by the direction of the road, the obstacles on your course, the length of your legs. That is, it depends on random circumstances, luck, your abilities, meetings along the way with other people, etc.

If so, then everything falls into place. It turns out that no two paths are the same, each path is unique. And the result of this path was formed under the influence of many and many factors, that is, this result cannot be called accidental. It existed within the framework of causal relationships, which determined the final result. That is, everything happened the way it should have happened and nothing else. Maybe this is real justice, which lies in the fact that everything happens according to some order incomprehensible to a person? (I'm not talking about karma or anything like that, I'm only talking about cause and effect relationships that we can't grasp with our minds.)

I understand that I have gone into philosophy, but I want to say that all these arguments can be applied in life. Realize, then, that the fact that you are driving an old car happened for a reason. This result prepared a lot of events in your life, fates were involved in it. different people. This was your path.

Let you not always be able to make your choice and decide where to move, but what happened, it happened. That is life.

7 - Think about the value of what you envy

Whatever a person strives for, he does not achieve the happiness that his imagination promises him.

Therefore, in principle, there are no such material things that should be envied at all. Since there is really no significant difference between whether you have them or not. I understand that this statement seems very controversial to some, but if you think about it, everything is so. Remember your childhood, were you then more unhappy than now, due to the fact that you did not have the attributes of adult life (car, money, etc.)? And when you got these things, were you any happier than before?

I do not think so. But what can be said not about material things, but about some personal qualities. Mind, beauty, charisma, etc. In fact, these qualities, as well as material things, also do not make people happier (at least not always). They can form short contentment, fleeting pleasure, but one cannot say that beautiful and smart man happy all the time just because he is! He also gets used to these attributes of his as to a yacht or a car! Moreover, beauty (and the mind too) are not eternal. At some point they will start to fade. And then the one who was attached to these things will feel acute dissatisfaction and even suffering!

Therefore, there are practically no things that should be envied. Because many of them do not bring the expected happiness! It does not really matter, in principle, a smart person or stupid, handsome or ugly. By by and large everyone has a similar fate: from a billionaire to a beggar, from a top model to a battered housewife. After all, it cannot be said that one of them is much happier than the other.

This is a rather strange statement for an article on a self-development website. “Why develop if there is no difference what will happen in the end?” - You ask. I must answer that, firstly, I never thought about self-development for the sake of self-development. I considered all the qualities that need to be developed only from the standpoint of the possibility of achieving happiness, as tools for this happiness, and not an end in itself. Secondly, I do not want to say that there is no difference at all between whether you are smart or stupid, rich or poor. You just don’t need to become attached to these things and believe that the one who possesses them will certainly rest on some kind of happy Olympus and therefore it is these things that you lack for happiness.

Why did I take happiness as what determines the peculiarity of human destiny. Because all people, consciously or not, strive for happiness. But most of them choose the wrong paths and, even having reached fabulous wealth and power, they do not come there. I talked about this in my article.

Conclusion – Envy prevents us from learning from other people

Why is envy considered such a great vice? I already said at the beginning that it does not bring any benefit, but only one suffering. It prevents us from sharing their joy with others. But there is another reason. Envy prevents us from learning from other people. Instead of looking at their merit and merits and striving for them, we silently suffer because of envy, secretly wishing these people failure.

Peculiarity negative emotions is such that they make a person fixate on themselves, depriving his mind of mobility and choice: such a person can only think about one thing. But openness, sincerity, respect and empathy give our mind more freedom. And he gets the opportunity to learn something new.

If you stop being envious, then the world of another person will no longer be an object for comparison, but will become an open book from which you can extract a lot of useful things for yourself. By freeing your mind from envy, you can better understand other people.

I hope my advice will help you overcome envy. But if you are still caught by this feeling by surprise, remember that this is just some kind of feeling that you do not have to obey. Stop suffering because of the thoughts that this feeling tells you. Just relax and watch this feeling without any thoughts. It always helps!