The best ways to resolve conflict. Ways to resolve conflicts

Relevance of the topic

In all spheres of human activity, when solving various problems in everyday life, at work or leisure, one has to observe conflicts that are different in their content and strength. They occupy a significant place in the life of every person, since the consequences of some conflicts are too felt for many years of life. They can eat up the life energy of one person or group of people for several days, weeks, months or even years.

When people think of conflict, they most often associate it with aggression, threats, arguments, hostility, war, and so on. As a result, there is an opinion that conflict is always undesirable, that it should be avoided if possible, and that it should be resolved immediately as soon as it arises.

The lack of agreement is due to the presence of a variety of opinions, views, ideas, interests, points of view, etc. However, it is not always expressed in the form of a clear collision, conflict. This happens only when the existing contradictions and disagreements disrupt the normal interaction of people and impede the achievement of the set goals. In this case, people are simply forced to overcome differences in some way, and enter into open conflict interaction. In the process of conflict interaction, its participants get the opportunity to express different opinions, to identify more alternatives when making a decision, and this is precisely the important positive meaning of the conflict. This, of course, does not mean that the conflict is always positive.

Conflict (lat. conflictus) - a collision of oppositely directed, incompatible with each other tendencies in the mind of a single individual, in interpersonal interactions or interpersonal relationships of individuals or groups of people, associated with acute negative emotional experiences. Any organizational changes, conflicting situations, business and personal relationships between people often give rise to conflict situations, which are subjectively accompanied by serious psychological experiences.

From an ordinary point of view, conflict carries a negative meaning, is associated with aggression, deep emotions, disputes, threats, hostility, etc. There is an opinion that conflict is always an undesirable phenomenon and should be avoided if possible and, if it has arisen, immediately resolved . Modern psychology considers conflict not only in a negative, but also in a positive way: as a way of developing an organization, a group and an individual, highlighting positive aspects in the inconsistency of conflict situations related to development and subjective understanding of life situations.

K. Levin characterizes a conflict as a situation in which oppositely directed forces of approximately equal magnitude simultaneously act on an individual. Along with the "power" lines of the situation, the personality itself plays an active role in resolving conflicts, their understanding and vision. Therefore, Levin's works deal with both intrapersonal and interpersonal conflicts.

In L. Koser's theory of social conflict, conflict is a struggle over values ​​and claims due to a lack of status, power and means, in which the goals of opponents are neutralized, infringed or eliminated by their rivals. The author also notes the positive function of conflicts - maintaining the dynamic balance of the social system. If the conflict is related to goals, values ​​or interests that do not affect the foundations of the existence of groups, then it is positive. If the conflict is connected with the most important values ​​of the group, then it is undesirable, since it undermines the foundations of the group and carries a tendency to destroy it.

Ways to resolve the conflict

Rivalry is to impose on the other party a solution that is beneficial to itself. Rivalry is justified in the following cases: obvious constructiveness of the proposed solution; profitability of the result for the whole group or organization, and not for an individual or microgroup; the importance of the result of the struggle for the one who supports this strategy; lack of time to negotiate with the opponent. Rivalry is expedient in extreme and principled situations, in the event of a shortage of time, a high probability of dangerous consequences.

Withdrawal or evasion from problem solving or avoidance, is an attempt to get out of the conflict with minimal losses. It differs from a similar strategy of behavior during a conflict in that the opponent switches to it after unsuccessful attempts to realize his interests with the help of active strategies. Actually, it is not about the solution, but about the extinction of the conflict. Leaving can be a very constructive response to a long-term conflict. Avoidance is used in the absence of strength and time to eliminate contradictions, the desire to gain time, the presence of difficulties in determining the line of one's behavior, unwillingness to solve the problem at all.

Smoothing. With this style, a person is convinced that one should not get angry, because "we are all one happy team, and we should not rock the boat." Such a "slicker" tries not to let out signs of conflict, appealing to the need for solidarity. But at the same time, you can forget about the problem underlying the conflict. As a result, peace and quiet may come, but the problem will remain, which will eventually lead to an "explosion".

Compulsion. Within this style, attempts to force people to accept their point of view at any cost prevail. The one who tries to do this is not interested in the opinions of others, usually behaves aggressively, uses power by coercion to influence others. This style can be effective where the leader has great power over subordinates, but cannot suppress the initiative of subordinates, creates a greater likelihood that the wrong decision will be made, since only one point of view is presented. It can cause resentment, especially among younger and more educated staff.

Compromise. This style is characterized by taking the other side's point of view, but only to some extent. The ability to compromise is highly valued in managerial situations, as it minimizes ill will, which often makes it possible to quickly resolve the conflict to the satisfaction of both parties. However, the use of compromise at an early stage of the conflict arising from important issue, can reduce the time it takes to find alternatives.

Solution. This style- recognition of differences of opinion and readiness to get acquainted with other points of view in order to understand the causes of the conflict and find a course of action acceptable to all parties. The one who uses this style does not seek to achieve his goal at the expense of others, but rather seeks the best option solutions. This style is the most effective in solving organizational problems.

Back in 1942, the American social psychologist M. Folet pointed out the need to resolve (settle), and not suppress them. Among the ways she singled out the victory of one of the parties, compromise and integration. Integration was understood as a new solution, in which the conditions of both parties are met, and neither of them will suffer serious losses.

Negotiation represent a broad aspect of communication, covering many areas of an individual's activity. As a method of conflict resolution, negotiations are a set of tactics aimed at finding mutually acceptable solutions for the conflicting parties.

Cooperation considered the most effective strategy of behavior in a conflict. It implies the desire of opponents for a constructive discussion of the problem, considering the other side not as an adversary, but as an ally in the search for a solution. It is most effective in situations of strong interdependence of opponents; the tendency of both to ignore differences in power; the importance of the decision for both parties; impartiality of participants

Conflict resolution methods

Conflict management is a targeted impact to eliminate (minimize) the causes that gave rise to the conflict, or to correct the behavior of the participants in the conflict.

There are many ways to manage conflicts. Enlarged, they can be represented in the form of several groups, each of which has its own scope:

1) intrapersonal, i.e. methods of influencing an individual;

2) structural, i.e. methods to eliminate organizational conflicts;

3) interpersonal methods or styles of behavior in conflict;

4) negotiations;

5) retaliatory aggressive actions. This group of methods is used in extreme cases, when the possibilities of all previous groups have been exhausted.

1. Intrapersonal methods consist in the ability to properly organize one's own behavior, to express one's point of view without causing a defensive reaction from the other person. Some authors suggest using the "I-statement" method, i.e. a way of conveying to another person your attitude to a certain subject, without accusations and demands, but in such a way that the other person changes his attitude.

This method helps a person to maintain his position without turning the other into his enemy. "I-statement" can be useful in any situation, but it is especially effective when a person is angry, annoyed, dissatisfied. It should be noted right away that the application of this approach requires skills and practice, but this can be justified in the future. "I-statement" is constructed in such a way as to allow the individual to express his opinion about the situation, to express his position. It is especially useful when a person wants to convey something to another, but does not want him to take it negatively and go on the attack.

1. Structural methods, i.e. methods of influencing mainly organizational conflicts arising from the incorrect distribution of powers, organization of work, the adopted incentive system, etc. These methods include: clarification of job requirements, coordination and integration mechanisms, corporate goals, use of reward systems.

Equally useful are integration tools such as cross-functional groups, task forces, meetings. For example, when in one of the companies a conflict arose between interdependent divisions - the sales department and the production department - an intermediate service was organized to coordinate the volume of orders and sales.

Organizational overarching goals. The effective implementation of these goals requires the joint efforts of two or more employees, departments or groups. The idea behind this methodology is to direct the efforts of all participants towards a common goal.

Thus, conflict can be functional and lead to an increase in the effectiveness of the organization. Or it can be dysfunctional and lead to decreased personal satisfaction, group collaboration, and organizational effectiveness. The role of conflict mainly depends on how effectively it is managed.

The method of conflict resolution involves their division into antagonistic (violent) conflicts and compromise (non-violent).

Violent (antagonistic) conflicts are ways to resolve contradictions by destroying the structures of all conflicting parties or refusing to participate in the conflict by all parties except one. This side wins. For example: the complete defeat of the enemy in a dispute (elections of authorities, etc.).

Compromise conflicts allow several options for their solution due to mutual changes in the goals of the participants in the conflict, terms, conditions of interaction. For example: the supplier does not send the ordered raw materials to the manufacturer within the specified time. The manufacturer has the right to demand the fulfillment of the delivery schedule, but the terms of delivery of the goods have changed due to the lack of funds for transportation due to non-payments. By mutual interest, it is possible to reach a compromise through negotiations, changing the delivery schedule.

Self defense. This is the easiest option. It does not require conscious decisions. In fact, this is an intense desire to protect one's Self. But this option does not take into account the interests of other people and can lead to isolation and alienation.

There are four types of self defense.

Weakening. The accused simply tries to calm the other side, remove anger, grief, irritation, assures that there are no reasons for a quarrel, that, in general, everything is in order. Kind words exert their beneficial effects, peace ensues. But for how long? After all, the person did not delve into the essence of the accusations. As a result, the problem remains. There is no longer any opportunity for emotions to show, but they accumulate.

The actions of people that caused discontent can be repeated and will be perceived with even greater indignation, and new assurances that “everything will be fine” will no longer inspire confidence. There is a growing possibility that eventually the illusion of the world will collapse.

Evasion. This is a departure from the conflict, behind which there can be caution and even cowardice. The accused party to the conflict refers to the fact that now is not the time or place for the trial. Therefore, everything is done in order not to get into situations that lead to contradictions. A person tends not to enter into a discussion of issues fraught with controversy. When a conflict arises, it is pretended that there are no problems. “What's the point of fighting, you won't achieve anything anyway,” argues a participant in the conflict. I don’t want to talk about this topic, so he just leaves the “battlefield”. In most cases, such a departure does not eliminate the conflict, because the cause of discontent has not been eliminated, has not reached the consciousness of the accused, he did not want to think about it. Result: people's feelings do not receive expression and "burn out" in vain, needs remain unsatisfied, goals remain unachieved. The conflict is driven inward.

Crowds are born from capitulators, obedient to the will of the leaders. At work, this is an employee who dutifully follows the orders of his superiors, and criticizes him behind his back.

Dominance (coercion). The initiator of the conflict resorts to it, imposing his will, forcing him to accept his own point of view at any cost. The person who tries to do this is not interested in the opinions of others. The main driving forces here are the desire for power and self-affirmation. As a rule, coercion is resorted to by those who are confident in their influence and power, who are quick-tempered, impatient and poorly educated. This is the opposite of the normal leadership style, in which the leader does not need to assert himself at the expense of suppressing others. Domination really brings the fastest results: the initiator of the conflict quickly achieves his goal. This style can be effective in situations where the leader has significant power over subordinates. But the outcome of the conflict in this case will be the most unfavorable. This behavior suppresses the initiative of subordinates, because it does not take into account other points of view. The person treated so unceremoniously feels deeply offended, humiliated. Even without protesting, he still retains a bitter sense of resentment in his soul. And it is possible that at the first opportunity he will get even with the offender. Thus, coercion, although it is often used in life, is the worst option. The interests of the parties to the conflict will never be fully taken into account. This leads to frustration and hidden dissatisfaction among employees, even if they are assured that everything was done in their best interest. Sometimes there is an extreme degree of dominance - the desire to destroy the source of the conflict.

Cooperation. The most desirable way out of the conflict is an open, frank discussion of the issues. In this case, the conflicting parties put forward their arguments and arguments, together they look for a solution that could satisfy everyone. And one more decisive condition for success: in discussing the circumstances of the conflict, one must be able to maintain the correct tone. It seems to many that words spoken calmly reduce the significance of the claim. However, it is precisely irritability, rudeness, harsh expressions that can obscure the very essence of the issue, lead the usual squabble into hopelessness. Anyone to whom harsh words are addressed may become indignant and will have the right to refuse discussion altogether. The right tonality immediately gives the conflict a completely different color. In this case, the conflicting parties do not quarrel, but together they clarify the misunderstanding that has arisen and look for a way out of the situation.

There is good rule: you need to be able to listen and hear! It is necessary to try to understand the other side, to delve into its position and condition. Conflict is not a battle, and the point here is not at all to defeat the enemy. When resolving a specific problem, a dispute that has arisen, it is necessary to help achieve a deeper mutual understanding, strengthen good agreement. As a result, conflicts will arise less and less often.

There are two types of cooperation:

Compromise. This is the unification of the conflicting parties by accepting (to a certain extent) the point of view of the opponent. In this case, the principle is used: a bad peace is better than a good quarrel. Compromise found in the controversy and accepted voluntarily by the two parties, as a rule, is stable. It means reconciliation without losers and winners and therefore gives a sense of satisfaction to all parties to the conflict. The ability to compromise is highly valued in management, as it makes it possible to quickly resolve the conflict to the satisfaction of both parties. However, such unity is sometimes not superficial and formal, meaning only an agreement to avoid further complications. Compromise may make enemies less intransigent, but it is not enough to turn them into friends or allies. As a result, even greater complications are possible. Therefore, a persistent further search for a radical solution to the conflict is necessary.

Interaction (problem solving on the merits). This is a significant step forward from compromise. Those who use this type of cooperation are looking for the best solution conflict situation rather than trying to achieve his goal at the expense of others. The conflicting parties seek to establish common goals for all participants, convergence of points of view and interests, as well as obtaining mutual benefits on a solid basis and for a long period of time. Interaction helps to create an atmosphere of sincerity necessary for the successful solution of the problem, and requires realism, patience, focus on what unites, not divides.

There are 7 stages in the search for interaction paths:

it is necessary to recognize the existence of a conflict (this can be difficult);

it is necessary to agree on a procedure for resolving the conflict (where, when and how to start work to overcome the conflict);

it is necessary to delineate the boundaries of the conflict, to recognize the conflict as “our problem” (this will help to establish a spirit of cooperation). At the same time, both sides should speak out (in what they see the conflict, how each evaluates his contribution to the conflict situation). One should not get personal, but should focus on the specific actions and needs of the parties;

need to check possible options conflict resolution. In this case, you can use the method of "brainstorming". Here, all solutions should be considered and analyzed;

it is necessary to come to an agreement. From the proposals made to resolve the conflict, the most appropriate one should be chosen. In some cases, it is necessary to draw up a document (resolution, memorandum of cooperation, etc.);

the plan must be put into practice. The plan should clearly and clearly describe what needs to be done, when and with whom. The implementation of the plan should be started as soon as possible, delays may cause doubts and suspicions of the parties;

decision needs to be evaluated. Even with the most successful decision, there may be offended. They need to be given the opportunity to speak openly.

Consequences of conflicts. The spectrum of consequences of conflicts is quite representative. They can be differentiated into two main groups: positive (functional) and negative (dysfunctional). They significantly affect the performance of the enterprise: in the first case, increasing production efficiency, and in the second, respectively, reducing it. In turn, certain consequences of conflicts can affect the possibility of eliminating or, accordingly, the emergence of new causes of future conflicts.

A conflict with a client can greatly affect the reputation of a brand: a dissatisfied buyer leaves a review on the site, complains on social networks, and tells his friends. However, if you correctly resolve the dispute on the spot, then the amount of negativity is reduced by 25 times: of all the bad reviews, only 4% belong to those whose complaint was “processed” here and now. We propose to figure out what types of clients exist, what approach is needed for each and what are the rules of this “game”. And as a bonus, we publish a list of stop words that in no case should be said to the buyer.

7 golden rules of behavior in conflict

Sales theory teaches that there are two types of conflict situations: constructive and destructive. The first ones arise when there are specific claims: they sold defective goods or delayed the deadlines. Simply eliminate the cause of dissatisfaction and provide the customer with a bonus, such as a discount on their next purchase. It is more difficult with destructive ones: the client is overwhelmed with emotions, is rude, no longer remembers the essence of the claims, or perhaps he just Bad mood. In this case, you need to ask leading questions to get to the bottom of the causes of irritation.

Everything looks simple, but in practice these rules are not enough to resolve conflict situations with clients. Therefore, we offer 7 more rules that were formulated by Timur Aslanov - a business coach, an experienced sales manager, the author of the book Alpha Salesmen: Special Forces in the Sales Department.

1. React immediately. The thought “If you wait a little, the problem will resolve itself” is the worst thing that can come to your mind. Solve the problem immediately, and if you need time, then find out the contacts of the client, and as soon as you find the answer, let him know about it.
2. Keep calm. Demonstration of anger or raised voices does not play in your favor: future relationships with the client will be at risk, as well as your reputation.
3. Listen carefully without excuses. Instead of defending yourself and looking for reasons that the client is not interested in, do everything so that he understands that you are on his side.
4. Please apologize. Earn favor and lay the foundation for a constructive dialogue.
5. Suggest solutions, even if objectively it's not your fault. Any proposal should be aimed at eliminating the cause of dissatisfaction.
6. Provide compensation. Now is the time to reward the client's patience with a compliment from the company. Give him a bonus with a wow effect that will cover the tested negative.
7. Approach the argument positively. Competent resolution of conflict situations with customers helps to better understand their needs. And besides, like any experience, it teaches you to act accurately in difficult situations.

Recognize and neutralize: what are the types of problem customers

But even if these rules bounce off your teeth, this does not guarantee “victory” in every dispute. The fact is that all clients are different, each has its own “hops”, and each needs its own approach. Stanislav Emelyanov, author of textbooks on conflict resolution and PR made a typology of conflict personalities, and Elena Ivanova, businesswoman with twenty-five years of leadership experience, adapted it to business realities. Recommendations were obtained on how to resolve conflicts with different types of clients:

1. Angry type. He is quick-tempered and loud, hears only himself, reacts to objections with even greater aggression. It should be confirmed as often as possible that he is right in anticipation of the cessation of the outburst of anger, and after that the person will be ready for dialogue.
2. Stubborn type. He insists on his opinion, he is sure that he is right. It is useless to argue with him, it is better to ask what to do to change his mind.
3. Ham. It asserts itself by humiliating sellers. Ignore the rudeness, pay a compliment and thank for the opinion expressed.
4. The impatient type. He constantly complains, hurries and pushes. Find out what he exactly wants and quickly satisfy his need. Let him know that you are only doing this out of empathy for his situation.
5. Distrustful type. Questions your words, the information on the labels, the content of the documents. Enter into his confidence, make sure that you are on his side and work out a solution to the problem together.
6. Indecisive type. Poorly oriented in his desires, but he knows perfectly well what he does not want. Offer him 5-6 options for getting out of the situation so that he can choose.

Stop words when communicating with a client

When resolving conflicts with clients, regardless of their type, be careful what and how you say: some phrases will have to be excluded from the lexicon forever, others should be rephrased. Together with Leonid Klimenko, the author of the program about telephone sales “It's Leonid calling! » and an expert in the creation and development of sales departments, we've compiled a list of phrases you'd better forget.

Forbidden phrases:

• "You are confusing something"
• "It's impossible"
• "You're not right!" (even if the client is really wrong)
• "You should have done it differently"
• “I have nothing to do with it / It was not my shift / Our supplier is to blame”
• "You're lying to me!"
• "I can't help you"
• “Read our website / catalog / price, everything is written there”
• “If you don't like it, don't buy it. No one is forcing you"
• "You can't please everyone!"
• “Yes, our customer service is not up to par.”
• "I don't know"
• "You did not understand me"
• "I can't promise anything"
• "You should"
• "You are required"
• "Are you sure, …?"
• "You ask too many questions"
• "I'll take care of you as soon as I'm free"
• "These are not my problems"
• “I should have…”
• “And what did you want for that kind of money?”

Use with caution, depending on the context of a phrase like:

• "It Happens Often"
• "You are the first person to say such things"
• “In such cases, we always do this”

Leonid Klimenko, expert in building and developing sales departments:
- I would not add frankly boorish phrases to this list like “Don’t yell at me”, “What right do you have to talk to me in that tone?”, “There are many of you, but I’m alone”, “Complain as much as you like! You won't scare me!" - this is too rare. But suddenly someone still says so

It will be possible to translate the dialogue into a constructive direction by choosing more diplomatic expressions:

How to train employees to put out fires

Sellers, managers, administrators - it is their share that falls to work with conflicting clients. Teach them how to behave difficult situation, and then your intervention will be minimized.

In order for an employee to understand how to resolve a conflict with a client, he must understand:

a) in the law "On Protection of Consumer Rights" and know what the client has the right to demand;

b) in the range and features of the product / service, to answer any question or fend off an unfounded claim;

c) in psychology, then he will not take the buyer's dissatisfaction personally and will follow the rules in cold blood.

Make instructions with a clear algorithm: when you need to cope with the situation on your own, in what cases you should resort to the help of management, and when to call security.

You can endlessly improve the product and increase the level of service - all the same, negative situations will happen. However, now you know how to resolve conflict situations with clients in your favor. And this means that another debater will soon turn into a brand advocate.

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To begin with, let's analyze a few typical mistakes, these are classic WRONG ways to resolve a conflict. If you have a conflict in the family, a conflict with children or parents, a conflict at work - you could make these typical psychological mistakes everywhere:

1) Look for the guilty (guilty). Everyone is to blame, but not you. You are like an angel! If you often have conflicts, then you probably stir them up yourself, provoke your opponents to a conflict, you just don’t notice how. Instead of looking for an answer to the question "What should I do to remove the conflict?" you are looking for an answer to the question: "Who is to blame?" The transition from an infantile personality to an adult personality begins only when you begin to take on and share responsibility.

2) You put your interests above all others and do not want to reckon with the interests of other people. A conflict of interest is inevitable.

3) Silence, non-pronunciation - desires, thoughts, wishes. People, even the closest and loved ones, are not telepaths! If something doesn’t suit you or if you don’t like something, or you would like to see a different attitude towards yourself, then everyone around, of course, should read your thoughts or guess what you want from your facial expression! Continue to hide your thoughts and desires from people, let your misunderstanding with them grow and be sure to come to a conflict with someone!

4) Turn on the transfer rule, that is, transfer exclusively your own negative feelings, thoughts, fears and phobias to another person and attribute _your_ to him. In this case, you begin to conflict not even with him, but with a cut of your negative traits in a mirror image only in another person.

If you recognize yourself in something, then be sure to read this article and learn from it.12 right ways conflict resolution. We live in a society of total psychological illiteracy and ONLY YOU PERSONALLY decide whether your life will be filled with conflicts or whether it will be free from them. It does not depend on others. Personally and only personally from you.

So, 12 ways to resolve conflict(what the doctor ordered),

compiled by Ilya Vasiliev (consultant psychologist):

1st way to resolve the conflict)

"Forecast for the Future". Imagine that you can predict the development of the conflict in advance, imagine its consequences in the short term (in a few minutes) and in long term(in a week, a month, a year). Before getting involved in a conflict, emotionally step back for a couple of minutes, take a magical pause, take a deep breath and exhale a few times and calculate in your mind what will happen if you get involved in a conflict. Put this picture in perspective, with all possible negative consequences. Do you want that? The method is very good at preventing all conflicts.

2nd way to resolve the conflict)

"Hint rule from above". If you are faced with some very difficult life situation, with a choice point - what to do, how to behave further in the conflict? Imagine that inside you there is a kind of tuning fork of absolute justice that does not belong to you - this is the opinion of God. Imagine this even if you are an atheist, you can imagine that through your heart you can directly ask some unknown source of absolute and supreme justice, the ideal of humanity - what should I do next? And check each incoming idea very carefully with such a yardstick, imagine what would happen if God were my adviser? And if you feel that the next idea that comes up seems doubtful to you at least in some way, dismiss it right away. This method allows you to takeethically very pure solutions. And ethically pure decisions and actions immediately remove most of the reasons for conflicts.

3rd way to resolve the conflict)

Revision or revision of the environment. We, and we alone, choose who we associate with. Sometimes it happens that in order to resolve a conflict, you just need to refuse to communicate with some people, let's call them conventionally negative people. The more you present yourself as a person, the more frustration you can cause in such flawed people: the stupid is jealous smart person, ugly - beautiful, mediocrity cannot forgive another talent. Just as the narcologist knows that in order to really successfully treat an alcoholic, he needs to stop interacting with other alcoholics, that is, remove the toxic environment around him, so you may need to review your environment and understand how certain people are tuned in towards you and what this communication gives you in the end - if they are obviously set against you and this hurts your self-esteem, refuse to communicate with them. They are not worthy of you, deny them the luxury of communicating with you.

4th way to resolve the conflict)

"Open Conversation". An unimaginable number of conflicts can be resolved simply by having an open, friendly dialogue with a person, without intermediaries, without “lawyers” and “well-wishers” from one side or another, having one clear thought: “I definitely want to set up relations with this person and I will try to make it the most friendly manner." You want out of a sense of rivalry necessarily win this person and just in this way, at his expense, amuse and satisfy your ego? But after all, this is a momentary and very dubious feeling, but you can trample on relations with this person forever. Or do you want to achieve cooperation and understanding with him? Start your dialogue with a simple, but now so rare, simple admission that you were wrong (“Yes, I was wrong”) and a simple sincere apology. Do not confuse a Pyrrhic victory over someone with cooperation, and if you were wrong (even emotionally wrong, raised your voice) - just start your open conversation with an apology and keeping in mind the thought that you want to see this person next to you - successful and your relationships are good and productive.

5th way to resolve the conflict)

Change the way you communicate. If you feel that after the conflict your opponent does not hear and does not listen to you, that is, when he sees you, he experiences very strong frustration - change the way in which you can convey your idea to him. Is your opponent shaking just from your approach? Write him a letter or send a message, he will be able to read it in a more calm and balanced state.

6th way to resolve the conflict)

Pay attention, when you communicate, what are you doing - are you psychologically pricking a person or psychologically stroking him? What do you want from this person? What do you want to achieve from your communication with this person? Do you want to mess things up or make things right? Our communication in a simplified form can be divided into three types of messages - neutral statements, psychological strokes (approvals) and psychological injections. Record yourself on a voice recorder or record your typical conflict on a voice recorder (the voice recorder function can be found in smartphone applications) and then listen carefully, conduct introspection or. Listen carefully to your voice. Track non-verbal communication, your body language, in words you may be located to a person, but your body broadcasts to him your true attitude towards him right now. If you really want to establish a good relationship with this person, stop psychologically injecting him, start expressing sincere approval to him.

7th way to resolve the conflict)

Stop trying to re-educate people by broadcasting your claims and your dissatisfaction with them (in fact, very often this is dissatisfaction with yourself). You can change a person only through love and understanding, and never through hatred or accusations. And in the same way, stop taking other people's complexes and dissatisfaction in your address to heart, this is not yours.

8th way to resolve the conflict)

Take a magical break. Leave the room in which the scandal is brewing. Take a walk down the street, take a break for 5 minutes and interrupt the rolling emotional wave with deep breathing, music or a pleasant anchor memory. If the conflict occurs according to some specific scenario, for example, in one place and in similar circumstances, change the environment, for example, I advise married couples, if they feel that a scandal is about to start again in their apartment, just go out into the fresh air .

9th way to resolve conflicts)

Specify! Don't lump everything together! If you don’t like something, say exactly and only specifically what exactly you don’t like, don’t start extrapolating one situation at once to all actions and all human behavior! Specify this act and once discussing it, do not remember it again and again. Remember the wonderful rule from Kipling's Jungle Book - punishment only makes sense once, but after that no one remembers the offense, this is a thing of the past.

10th way to resolve conflicts)

External conflicts between people are actually a reflection of internal conflicts. Sometimes just different positions in life and then they need to be discussed. Sometimes - deep unresolved psychological issues. And in this case, help, namely, help the people around you to deal with their internal problems (and do not reproach them with these problems) and solve your own internal conflicts. “Those who have learned to control themselves will be able to control other people.” One of the best ways to avoid conflicts is to get busy, actively go headlong into your work or hobby, your life will become so bright, spiritual and filled with meaning that there will simply be no reason for conflicts.

11th way to resolve conflicts)

Don't provoke conflict first. Please note that some people are constantly in conflict with someone, while others seem to not know at all what a conflict is. Three people walk along the same street, but one is constantly bullied by gopniks for clearly victimized (that is, sacrificial) behavior, the second himself gets involved in scandals (due to his too angry nature, an excess of testosterone - “he climbs on the rampage”), and the third person walks calmly and does not even know that such “debriefings” are constantly taking place on this street or does not pay attention to them. Not just strength and self-confidence, but it is precisely psychologically competent behavior and psychological self-adjustment that is the most correct way to resolve all domestic and street conflicts.

12th way to resolve the conflict)

Many conflicts are built on the principle of bad repetition, cyclicity. Pay attention to whether this or that conflict develops in you according to a certain repeatable scenario ... “And I to her, and she to me, and I to her, and she to me again”, while the same endlessly repeated arguments are used - that turns on opponents even more, because any repeated, but unacceptable argument seems obviously stupid, and stupidity is annoying. If conflicts still occur, remove from them scenario their origin and development andreview your argument set .

I want to warn women who constantly swear and conflict with their husband - it is constant conflicts in the family that can suddenly lead you to a divorce from your husband, since you will not cause him anything but irritation, and then another will appear on the horizon ... It always happens quite suddenly and constant conflicts are the first, but very formidable symptom of a dysfunctional relationship. I want to tell you the following:

Your problem with your spouse is that he is now in accumulation towards you (there are many phases of relationships, but the key two are the waiting phase and the accumulation phase, in the latter the spouse begins to accumulate negativity against you, get annoyed, move away from you, begins to be cold and unfeeling), to get out of accumulation
negativity, there are special psychological techniques. The fact is that your loved one is your “psychological mirror” and the easiest way, of course, is to blame him, but it will be better if you manage to change yourself.

For my part, I can work with your situation remotely (via Skype), but first I recommend that you order for listening Danila Delichev's course "How to return the husband's feelings" follow the link and listen to what he has to say.

In principle, this is the most valuable guide to getting out of difficult relationships and returning feelings that I have come across, I simply have not heard better than this course. I highly recommend you start with it. This course does not apply only to the pre-divorce situation, if conflicts in the family are constant, then save your relationship in advance, and not when the thunder breaks out, listen to this course prophylactically and start applying the recommendations from there immediately, practically. Your relationship will improve within a few months. After all, they were once wonderful, weren't they? Here, in order to return them back to their previous level, be sure to listen to Danila's course (link above).

If you feel that the conflict in your family or at work has reached such a critical point that you just feel bad and you can’t cope with this situation, contact me for help and just ask for my personal free 10-minute psychological consultation (you can Skype or phone) and I guarantee you that I will definitely help you deal with your conflicts.

To get a 10-minute free consultation with a psychologist right now, just write to me at [email protected] I will definitely answer you.

Use the advice and live with others in peace and harmony!

Ilya Vasiliev, consultant psychologist

Conflicts... This word is constantly heard in modern society. Personal and work disagreements lead to various negative situations when people are forced to look for ways out of them with the least moral losses. That is why the prevention of conflicts is the key to a healthy relationship when there is no need to be in search of ways to reconcile.

What is conflict

In modern psychology, there are many different definitions of this concept. But they all suggest that conflict is the most acute phase of resolving various contradictions. They arise in the process of interaction and consist in the opposition of the participants in the situation, accompanying it with negative emotions. Most scientists focus on the inconsistency of the goals and interests of the subjects of the disagreement that has arisen.

There is a definition of contradiction as a speech action, where three stages of the struggle of interests are distinguished, the result of which is a conflict:

• differences of opinion;
• contradiction in dialogues;
• direct struggle, expressed in conflicts of actions.

Thus, conflict prevention means the absence of any speech acts aimed at causing damage of any kind to the other party.

Essence of the conflict

In order for conflict prevention to be sufficiently effective, it is necessary to understand what is the essence of the contradiction, which has four characteristics;

• structure;
• dynamics;
• function;
• control.

The structure of the conflict consists of:

• object (subject of dispute);
• subjects (individuals, groups or organizations);
• flow conditions;
• scale;
• strategies and tactics of behavior of the subjects of the situation;
• outcome.

The psychology of conflict involves a dynamic process that consists of the following steps:

• the substantive situation, when there are objective reasons for the conflict;
• conflict interaction, where the incident itself occurs;
• conflict resolution, which can be full or partial.

Conflict performs various functions, and some of them are quite important for effective interaction sides:

• dialectical, implying the identification of the causes of conflict interaction;
• constructive, suggesting the direction of the tension caused by the situation that has arisen, to achieve the goal;
• destructive, when various personal and emotional colors of relationships appear.

The regulation of the conflict comes down, in fact, to the ability to manage it. Management, in turn, is divided into external and internal. In the first case, control over the situation is entrusted to the leader, in the second, personal control of one's behavior is necessary.

The main stages of conflict situations

The reasons for disagreements can be very different, but common to all of them are the stages of the emergence and resolution of the dispute. So, the stages of the conflict are as follows:

• the moment of the emergence of a conflict situation, which can be provoked by one or several people;
• awareness of the current situation, expressed in a change in mood and various critical statements about the opponent;
• open confrontation, when the parties proceed to active actions in order to inflict offense or other moral damage to the enemy;
• awareness by the opponent of the conflict situation and the beginning of response actions;
• the development of a conflict when certain demands are put forward;
• the ending of disagreements through requests, conversations or administrative methods, consisting in a court decision, dismissal, etc.

As you can see, these stages of the conflict go from one to another, regardless of the type of disagreement that has arisen.

Outcomes

Exist different variants conflict resolution:

• withdrawal from it, when one of the parties does not notice or pretends not to notice the disagreements that have arisen;
• smoothing out contradictions, when one of the subjects of the conflict either agrees with the claims made by the other party, or justifies himself;
• compromise, when both parties make mutual concessions in order to resolve differences;
• an increase in tension, when the beginning of the conflict is of a particularly sharp nature and turns into a serious confrontation, not limited in time;
• suppression of the conflict by force, when one of the parties or both subjects is forced to accept a certain point of view.

Types of conflicts

The psychology of conflict involves its division into types depending on the basis. So, the following factors can serve as the basis for allocation to a separate type:

• sources of occurrence;
• social consequences;
• scale;
• forms of struggle;
• subject tactics.

Also, conflicts are divided into two types in relation to a separate subject:

• internal;
• external.

The internal conflict involves the contradiction of the desires of one person, and the external one - the disagreement between him and environment. The nature of the external conflict, in turn, can be interpersonal, intergroup, or such that arose between the individual and the group.

Interpersonal conflict is the most common and consists in a clash of interests of various persons. Intergroup, as a rule, arises in the working atmosphere, when the interests of small groups are opposed. As for the conflict between the individual and the group, this kind of disagreement is also characteristic of the business sphere, when the interests of the organization are contrary to the interests of the individual.

In addition to such disagreements, there are many others: family, teenage, personal or generational conflict. In each of these situations, problems arise with the closest people, which means that everything must be done to prevent this.

Family conflicts

Unfortunately, despite all efforts, conflicts in the family are inevitable. And the point here is not that people do not like each other, just not everyone knows how to resolve differences peacefully.

Conflicts in the family can be between spouses, between children, between parents and children, between spouses and their parents - there are many options. However, the question arises: why do some couples live happily ever after, while others become enemies and part forever? It's all about people's attitude to the current situation. The subject of the conflict can inflate the scandal by increasing its scale, but it is in his power to end it without great moral losses.

In order for a conflict situation to arise, the slightest reason is enough. Sometimes it becomes like a game of table tennis, when partners throw mutual accusations at each other, like a ball in a game. This can go on for quite a long time, it all depends on the desire and ability of the parties to make trouble.

In fact, there are many ways to keep the peace in the family. For example, if frequent contentions began to appear not so long ago, you can try to express your claim and ask your spouse to voice it in their own words. Psychologists say that most of the problems in couples arise due to a misinterpretation of the words of their half. Having tried this method, you will quickly see that the essence of the conflict has no basis.

If the cause of disagreement is a mismatch in desires, take a piece of paper and write down what you would like to do. It is desirable that the list contains at least 5 items. Then compare your desires and try to deduce from them something common for both. You will be surprised how effective this method is.

However, it is worth remembering that, regardless of the cause of disagreement, the main thing is to find out its cause. Conflict prevention is about listening and hearing each other. In addition, it is necessary to voice your desires, not expecting that they will be guessed by your spouse. If you follow these two rules, the number of conflict situations in family life will be minimized.

The problem of fathers and children

In modern society, there are three main directions: older, mature and young. The conflict of generations is a normal component of the relationship between older and younger.

As for the discussion of this type of disagreement, the transition to micro levels is inevitable, when such situations become commonplace in any average family, where the views of parents differ from those of children or adolescents. However, different worldviews do not necessarily lead to conflict situations.

How to avoid generation gap? The only way out of this situation is the acceptance of the views of the other side, mutual respect and tolerance. For example, pensioners, having ceased to perform their daily professional duties, find themselves in a difficult psychological situation when they need help and support from loved ones.
Adolescents, in turn, are at an age when categorical and complete denial of the opinions of adults is normal for them. Standing between pensioners and youth are mature people who may also suffer from different views on the lives of their parents or children. In this case, each of the parties must be tolerant of the opinions of others and respect them. Only such mutual understanding can be the answer to the question of how to avoid conflict between different generations.

Teenage conflicts

In adolescence, which is considered one of the most difficult periods, conflicts occupy a special place, being an integral part of social life. Adolescent conflicts arise not only in relationships with parents, but also when communicating with peers. Often it is the difficult relationships of the child with his comrades that become a serious cause for parental concern. At this time, adults are required to make every effort to help the teenager avoid communication difficulties. There are several rules, the observance of which can help to avoid such situations and help the teenager most painlessly move on to the next stage of life. So, if your goal is to prevent conflicts, you are required to:

• Don't blame the teenager for everything. It is at this stage of life that it is crucial for him trusting relationship with adults. Therefore, it is extremely important that the child knows that he can trust you in any situation, without fear of accusations against him.
• Find out the reason for the disagreement. Find out from the child all the details of what happened before drawing conclusions. If a teenager withdraws into himself, you should talk to school teachers and find out the cause of the problem.
• Realize that parental intervention is not always beneficial. If we are talking about a quarrel between best friends who can swear several times a day, and sometimes it comes to a fight, then the intervention of adults will only have a negative result. Before making a decision to help a child, find out all the details of what happened.
• Show no indifference. Not always the position of an outside observer is beneficial. For example, if your child has serious problems with peers who do not accept him in their circle, this can lead to serious psychological problems in the future. Such a situation should be taken under control as early as possible, finding out the reasons for such behavior.

Your benevolent attitude and tolerance are crucial in the painless resolution of teenage conflicts.

Personality Conflicts

Particularly common are personal conflicts that can arise both between colleagues and between people connected by various social ties. They, as a rule, appear due to the impossibility of accepting the point of view, ideology, value system and other attitudes of the enterprise. Disagreements may also arise between employees due to the incompatibility of their characters and other psychological characteristics.

The main quality that helps in overcoming such situations is tolerance towards the opinions of others. It is necessary to realize that no one is obliged to share your point of view, because each person has his own opinion. Awareness of this fact makes it easier to perceive personal differences.

Conflict Resolution Styles

Depending on the goals and interests of the subjects of the conflict situation, the following styles of its resolution are distinguished:

1. Competition is one of the most hard options resolving conflict situations. Suitable for people seeking to solve the problem in the first place to satisfy their own interests. The style is most acceptable in cases where the subject of the conflict is an employee of the organization, and the resolution of the situation is in the competence of the leader. In this case, it is competition that will teach employees to obey, and also help restore faith in the success of the enterprise in a difficult situation.
2. Evasion - is expressed in too long postponing a decision under various pretexts. It leads to the fact that the situation only becomes more complicated over time, so this style is the least preferred.
3. Adaptation - implies a focus on the behavior of others and an unwillingness to defend one's own interests. The result of choosing this style of conflict resolution is a concession to the requirements of the opponent and the recognition of his rightness.
4. Cooperation - involves solving the problem in one's favor, taking into account the interests of the other side. This is the most acceptable resolution style social conflicts because it is the key to maintaining peaceful relations in the future.
5. A compromise based on mutual concessions on both sides. It is suitable for situations where the goals of the parties coincide, only the ways to achieve them differ. This style of conflict resolution is often the best option for participants.

The main ways to resolve conflict situations

All methods of conflict resolution that exist today can be divided into two categories. large groups: negative and positive.

Negative ones mean the struggle for one's own interests, the main goal of which is to change the conflict situation. This can be achieved in various ways:

• affecting the other side;
• changing the balance of power;
• using both true and false information about the opponent for their own purposes;
• correctly assessing the other side and its capabilities.

This method of resolving the conflict is quite aggressive and often leads to a violation of unity between the parties in the future. That is why, as far as possible, it should be avoided.

Positive ways of resolving conflicts involve negotiating to determine the most optimal solution to the situation. They, as a rule, require concessions from the subjects and lead to partial satisfaction of the interests of the parties.

Thus, there are many ways to resolve conflict situations, but the best way is to prevent it.

How to avoid conflicts

The most common reason for this kind of disagreement is the excessive emotionality of a person. If your goal is to prevent conflicts, you should learn:

• calmness and stress resistance, thanks to which you can calmly assess the current situation;
• keep your emotions under control in order to be able to convey arguments to your opponent as efficiently as possible;
• listen and pay attention to the words and manifestation of the feelings of others;
• realize the right of each person to resolve this or that situation in his own way;
• do not use offensive words and do not act in order to humiliate the opponent.

Following these rules will help to avoid the occurrence of various conflict situations, and therefore the need to look for the best way out of them.

Should conflicts always be avoided?

A conflict situation is always a clash of interests. Such a confrontation assumes that each of the parties will try to defend their desires and point of view, which will inevitably lead to different kind disagreements. Of course, it is difficult to argue with the fact that a bad peace is better than a good quarrel, and it is better to remain silent somewhere than to provoke a scandal.

But if you look at the situation from the other side, it turns out that conflicts are of some benefit. For example, they help to see existing problems in a new light. This applies to both personal and business relationships. Expressing your opinion is always better than silently experiencing your own dissatisfaction. In personal relationships, such silence will sooner or later lead to a large-scale scandal that can end in a complete separation of people. This applies to couples, friends, and even parents and children. No person can silently endure discontent all his life, sooner or later it will come out. The later this happens, the worse the consequences will be. That is why the periodic occurrence of conflict situations will avoid global problems in relations. However, it must be borne in mind that it is necessary to resolve them correctly so that they do not drag on and do not become a habitual way of life.

With regard to business relationships, conflicts of various kinds also allow you to see the problems that exist in the team, the solution of which should be started as early as possible.

When people live for years without a conflict situation, this indicates a lack of closeness between them and indifference to each other. No one can read another person's mind and fully live up to his expectations. Therefore, it is imperative to pronounce your desires, even if this leads to a small conflict. The desire to negotiate and solve the problem peacefully will improve relations, instead of causing harm.

However, too much disagreement is not an indication of a healthy relationship either, so conflict prevention is sometimes the best way to resolve a situation.