How to correctly refuse a client: four principles of polite but firm refusal. What to do if you need to refuse a person

11.10.2019

Good day to you, our dear readers! new article prepared for you by Irina and Igor. “No” is a very simple word, but as simple as it is, it can be difficult to pronounce it. There is nothing wrong with helping your friends, relatives or colleagues with requests.

But our dependability often plays a “cruel joke” with us, accumulating a lump of worries and work “for others”, forcing us to postpone what is important for us. Therefore, in today's article we will discuss how to learn how to properly refuse a person.

When is it hard to say "no"?

To begin with, let's figure out in what particular situations it is difficult for us to refuse other people.

The most difficult thing is to refuse your loved ones or relatives, because this may offend one of your relatives, there is a fear that they will stop communicating with you or the relationship will deteriorate.

It can be difficult to refuse a boss, even if you understand that his offer or request is meaningless and will only become an extra burden and a waste of working time. Most often, people are afraid to refuse their boss because of fear of dismissal or deprivation of a bonus.

It happens that people are afraid to refuse even unfamiliar people because of the fear of a possible conflict due to refusal.

Friends do not want to refuse, so as not to spoil the relationship and not be left alone.

In general, one or another of our fears, with which it is worth learning to fight, prevent us from saying “no”.

Why is it important to be able to say “no”?

At least, because trouble-free people are often considered weak-willed, and this does not bring pluses to their reputation. In addition, reliability often allows you to manipulate, makes you adapt to other people, and not find a consensus.

And, of course, because reliability can lead to the fact that you will sacrifice your more important things for the sake of strangers and not very important tasks. Ultimately, this lowers yours, and also delays the implementation of your primary goals.

Delicate refusal methods

In order for your refusal not to look like “waving off an annoying fly”, you must first listen to the person and assess the importance and your ability to fulfill his request.

At this stage, it is important to be able to estimate the amount of time required to fulfill this request, to estimate the amount of time you have, the ability to assess the importance of the problem for the “asker” and the importance of its implementation for yourself.

You can learn how to effectively evaluate your own and other people's time, as well as set priorities, with the help of time management techniques that you can learn on your own thanks to video courses:

“The master of time is highly productive time management according to the system of Evgeny Popov”
"Time management, or how to increase your efficiency"
Free online video course “Setting and achieving goals. How to achieve results in any business?

You can also ask and clarify some points of the request. This will make it clear to the interlocutor that you listened carefully to him, you "care".

If you can’t immediately assess the resources spent and the importance of the problem, you can ask the interlocutor for time to think before making your decision. Perhaps the fulfillment of the request will have a number of advantages for you, but if not, then you should move on to refusal.

When refusing to friends and loved ones, be honest about your emotions and concerns, why you can't help them at the moment.

You have a lot of work, so you can’t come to a meeting, you have a big waste of money, so you can’t lend, you have important things scheduled for the morning business negotiations, so you can't meet a friend at the train station at night, and so on.

Feel free to be honest, show sympathy and understanding, try to offer alternative ways out of the situation: meet later or another day, contact the bank for a certain amount of money, call a taxi at night to the station.

In a situation where the interlocutor is trying to persuade you to fulfill his request again, stand your ground and say the same thing again, paraphrasing a little, but leaving the general meaning.

In case of refusal, management should justify its refusal with reason.

It can be difficult, but if you learn how to do it, it will only increase your value as a “thinking” employee.

If the manager wants to “hang” one or more responsibilities on you, then if you refuse, list your current responsibilities or indicate the main task that you are currently solving. If the manager does not back down, ask him to help with the prioritization of this or that work.

So, the boss will understand how busy you are, or at least this will give a temporary opportunity to postpone the execution of a new assignment for the period when you are free from current issues.

With unreasonable requests from management, try to appeal labor law or your job description. If it is difficult for you to speak directly, you can prepare a refusal in writing, this will greatly facilitate the task.

When a colleague refuses to help with his official duties, you can also refer to the workload or refuse without explanation, using the phrase: "I would like to help, but I can not do it now."

Be firm and do not succumb to persuasion, because having fulfilled someone else's duty once, you risk fulfilling it "for life".

You can also use the compromise “no” technique, in which case you agree to comply with the request, but on your own terms, otherwise you refuse to comply with the request.

For example, if a colleague asks for a ride to work, you can agree, while indicating that you will give him a ride only if he will be waiting at the appointed place exactly at the appointed time, otherwise you have the right not to wait for him.

If you did not find a reflection of your problem in the above recommendations, we advise you to pay attention to the book by James Altucher and Claudia Azul Altucher "Learn to Say No" , which describes all sorts of methods and practices on how to learn how to properly refuse people.

Are you familiar with the problem with the impossibility of refusal? How do you go about solving it? Do you have your own catchphrases?

Best regards, Irina and Igor

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. This property of their character is attributed by many to the virtues of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who can’t say “no” often don’t have enough time for their own affairs and personal life, although as a thank you for their dependability, they can at best count on a dubious compliment.

A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry selfishness and heartlessness.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

Why are people afraid to say "no"?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.

So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.

Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. And indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.

Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.

How to politely refuse?

When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."

When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:

this word can protect against problems;
can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways polite refusal, which show that this task is within the power of everyone.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. This is an erroneous opinion. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name real reason failure. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.

This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.

2. Sympathetic rejection

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.

For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Reasonable refusal

This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.

4. Delayed rejection

This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.

A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.

For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.

For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.

In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that, by refusing others, we ourselves risk being in difficult situation when we have nothing to rely on someone's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are used to "playing with one goal", who believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

Often, nothing is easier than say no. Many of us often agree to something or do not know how to normally refuse, and then we face the consequences of our desire to seem comfortable to others. It takes character to say "no" in many situations. However, you need to learn how to do it. So, how to say no and do it as correctly as possible?

I am one of those who often impulsively agree to something, and then suffer myself or make others suffer, because I have already promised something. I was pointed out this feature at a psychological training in graduate school, and later I myself began to notice such a trait in myself.

If you have more significant plans, then an insignificant request should be rejected so as not to ruin your own daily routine. Do not forget that you have your work tasks, your hobbies and your relatives, who don’t see you very often anyway. Should you go to work for a colleague and whether he will be grateful to you for this.

I once married a colleague to work, but he never replaced me. In the end, I made life easier for another person who was just a colleague to me. I received absolutely nothing in return. I was "trained". Such exploitation should be avoided.

Often we cannot refuse other people simply because we do not have clear priorities and. Develop and then you will be much easier to move towards your goals and it will be more difficult to lead you astray with insignificant requests.

We always have to sacrifice something when you say yes to something. For example, if you agree to attend a fun event, then this evening you are unlikely to have time to work or visit a fitness club.

The strength of character and determination that is needed to learn to refuse other people is a quality that can be developed. And you should always remember that this is your life and you have full right to refuse other people. Before you say yes or no, you need to think about the motives of the person who turned to you with a request. It is possible that they are simply trying to manipulate you.

It is useful to explain your refusal with reason. That's just "I don't have time" - this is a very bad argument, and most often it hides the usual unwillingness to do something.

You give with your hands - you walk with your feet

I once lent money to a friend of mine. So, when he decided to return the money (which is already not bad!), I had to go for my money almost to the other end of the city. I wasted a lot of gas and time.

I also once borrowed some money from my cousin. He did not pick up the phone for a long time and delayed the return. Sometimes it's easier to just say no than to waste your time later. But it's still okay. I also had cases when the money that was borrowed from me was never returned to me.

Refuse confidently, otherwise they will try to convince you and lure you "to the side of evil." Saying "yes" is easy, but dealing with the consequences is a whole story.

Write down every time you agree to something. Also write down when you made a refusal. This kind of fixation on paper will help you be more aware and not say “yes” on autopilot in the future.

How to say no to another person

Don't interrupt the person. Even if you know for sure that you already want to refuse. Show respect for the other person and let them speak fully. Then don't just bounce. It is worth offering alternatives acceptable to you personally that could suit both people. It is also worth saying under what conditions you could agree and why specifically now you are not able to help. Sometimes it is appropriate not to answer immediately, but to consider your answer.

You also need to be able to respond adequately to an attempt to convince you. Often, having said “no” to something, they still convince us. If you sincerely want to refuse, then do not agree to something because of guilt. Be consistent in your words and deeds. You may have to clearly express your refusal several times. To strengthen the persuasiveness of your position, you should think about reasonable arguments. .

It is useful to soften the refusal. For example, tell a person that you understand him, but in this situation you cannot help him. Remember that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. And at the same time, don't overdo it. If it’s not difficult for you to help and you sincerely want it, then why not lend a helping hand? As a rule, people will be very grateful. It is necessary to act according to the situation and do not forget to think with your own head. Do not let yourself be ridden and manipulated, but you should not become a completely anti-social person who will not lend a helping hand in a difficult moment.

2 915 0 Hello! In this article, we will talk about how to learn to say “no” or how to properly refuse people.

Are you familiar with situations when you are asked for something, and you agree, although inner voice resists and advises to do the opposite. Probably yes, if you are reading this article. This problem is very common in our society, and not only among timid and anxious people, but also among the brave and self-confident as well. Why is it so hard to say no? What is this behavior based on? What guides a person at this moment: feelings or reason? And, most importantly, how to learn to say “no”?

Why are we afraid to refuse people's requests?

Quite often, the roots of the problem lie in a strict upbringing.. Children whose authoritarian parents completely suppress their will always unconditionally obey or begin to protest against everything around. In the first case, they carry into adulthood the habit of obeying and fulfilling the requests of others.
Fear of ruining relationships. And the closer and more significant these relationships are, the more often we agree to fulfill requests. Thoughts are usually spinning in my head: “What will he think of me? Suddenly finds me unreliable (unreliable)? Will he communicate with me after that? Usually, the anxiety and discomfort caused by such experiences is stronger than the desire to refuse, and we agree.
Fear of losing existing opportunities. Many are afraid of losing what they have and they consider any refusals a threat to their position.
The need to feel your own importance. “If they turn to me, it means that I am needed and important,” such a person thinks, and this greatly warms his soul. Quite often, these strings are played by manipulators. “Except for you, perhaps no one can cope with this” or “I can only entrust this matter to you” - this is how they formulate their request, and the person falls for their bait.
Fear of being alone. People may fear that if they refuse a request, they will be rejected and left alone.
delicacy, courtesy. If these qualities are developed excessively, and a person is used to sacrificing his own interests for the sake of others, then saying “no” seems to him an extremely difficult task. Although, even being very loyal and responsive, some people know how beautiful it is to refuse a request.
Desire to avoid conflict. On the one hand, it is the fear of causing indignation in the interlocutor (relative, friend, colleague, boss). On the other hand, it is difficult to defend one's opinion.

Why is it so important to learn to refuse and say "no"

What does the inability to say "no" and the constant provision of services to other people lead to?

By regularly responding to requests, you deplete internal resources, especially if you do it against your own will. , nervous breakdowns, apathy can be the consequences of this.

For example, you are loaded with additional unpaid work, you constantly stay late, come home tired. Of course, this negatively affects health, mood and family relationships.

Afraid to seem impolite and callous and constantly agreeing to everything that you are inclined to, you end up looking in the eyes of those around you as spineless and unable to defend your “I”.
Once in a while, fulfilling the requests of other people, you can relax them. By demonstrating constant dependability, you encourage their vices and weaknesses: laziness, selfishness, a tendency to consume, a desire to avoid responsibility, and others.

For example, a friend regularly asks you for a loan, because she does not know how to “live within her means”, correctly calculate her expenses and quickly spend all her savings. Fulfilling her request, you allow her to plunge more and more into the abyss of financial problems and an irresponsible attitude towards money. Wouldn't it be better to openly talk to a friend about this and try to help her change her approach to life?

You regularly sacrifice your interests, deeds, time, fulfilling someone else's will. You can even stop developing spiritually, giving it all your strength.

For example, a neighbor asks you every Saturday to babysit her all day and evening. You agree by refusing to go to the gym and visit your parents. However, you know that she has relatives who probably will not approve of her regular meetings with friends and parties. Therefore, she turns to you, and you cannot competently refuse, because you feel sorry for the baby and sincerely want to help.

Realizing that you are constantly being used, you yourself begin to have a negative attitude towards these people, avoid communicating with them.

How to say "no" and be able to politely refuse a person

So, it is necessary to correctly refuse to fulfill a request in situations where:

you are used and constantly contacted;
indeed, there is no time, no opportunity (for various reasons) to do what is asked;
you are very tired;
what they want from you is at odds with your views, principles, values.

The first step towards developing the ability to say “no” is to admit that you really have a problem with this, you want to solve it and learn to refuse.

Then look at situations where you didn't want to comply with a request but couldn't say no. How do they affect your life? What are the negative consequences? The result of the analysis should be a persistent dislike for one's reliability and a desire to get rid of it.

After that, you need to move on to actions and consolidate a valuable skill in behavior. You need to start with training at home with the possible involvement of loved ones or a girlfriend (friend).

How to politely refuse to communicate with a person

Practice saying “no” in front of a mirror. Present the request of someone from your environment, formulate a phrase of refusal. Say it until you like its sound and until you feel confident and firm in your voice. You can ask your family to play this situation with you. After training, track how you feel.
It is important to put aside your fears that others will be offended, stop communicating with you, reject you, or make a scandal if you refuse them. Surely most of your acquaintances (relatives, friends, colleagues) who ask for something are adequate people who are able to understand that you also have your own affairs and needs and you cannot do it now.
Make it a rule: when you are asked for something, wait a while before saying “yes”, because often consent is given out of habit, on automatism. The pause will help you gather your thoughts, weigh key points to deal with anxiety.
Always make eye contact when you say no. This indicates your confidence and firm decision. Indistinct phrases and a glance "past" the interlocutor are perceived as consent, albeit reluctantly.
Start small - at first, refuse minor requests, such as lending money or meeting a friend.
When refusing, speak in your own name, use the pronoun "I": "Unfortunately, I can not help you", "I hate to do this", etc.
Do not use excuses, it reduces respect for you. Rejection should sound firm, but calm.
Before you say no, always listen to the person. So you show respect for him and you yourself will have time to find the right words.
Be sure to explain to the person your refusal, tell why you cannot fulfill the request. This will help maintain mutual understanding between you.
Voice your feelings, for example: “I’m, of course, upset (upset) that I can’t help best friend(to a friend)."
Help with advice, express your opinion on how this situation can be resolved or to whom it is better to turn to fulfill the request.
How to refuse to work if you are loaded with additional tasks? You can choose the following phrase: “I can’t fulfill these duties, because the project I’m doing takes up all my working time” or “I can’t stay late at work, because I have to devote this time to my family.”

Love and respect yourself. You must be sure that it is your legal right to have personal time and valuables. And always remember that refusal is not a disregard for the interests of another person, but the need to make him understand that the request cannot be fulfilled "here and now."

Practical Tips and real life examples. Why is it important to learn how to say “no”?

Olga Vorobieva | 9.10.2015 | 8983

Olga Vorobieva 9.10.2015 8983

If you are unwilling or unable to comply with a friend or relative's request, say one of these phrases. They will help politely refuse any person.

To be honest, I didn’t know how to say “no” to people before. I helped everyone who asked: girlfriends, second cousins, random fellow travelers, “neighbors” in the store queue. Far from always their requests were easily fulfilled, often they caused me inconvenience.

One day I realized that I needed to learn how to say no. And if over time I began to refuse strangers without remorse, then things were more complicated with friends and relatives - they could be offended by me because of the refusal.

As a result, by trial and error, I formulated phrases that will help to refuse relatives and friends, and do it as politely as possible. Perhaps these words will be useful to you.

Your offer is very tempting, but I can't do it yet.

This phrase is suitable, for example, if family friends invited you and your husband to relax with tents, and you really don’t want to go to the forest because of annoying mosquitoes and lack of hot water. And in general, you have not been interested in such a vacation option for a long time (probably since you studied at the university).

But you are afraid that the refusal will entail unpleasant consequences: your friends will no longer offer you not only a vacation with tents, but they will not invite you to the theater or to fun family gatherings.

I think this is the most successful form of polite refusal: you will let your friends know that you are happy with their proposal, but explain that circumstances are preventing you.

This type of denial can only be applied a few times. Otherwise, friends will suspect something was wrong. However, I see two ways out of this situation: to admit that you do not like to relax with tents, or to remember your youth and still take a chance.

I would lend you money, but I have a bad experience

We often have to say no to friends or relatives when they ask for a loan of large sums of money. Let me give you an example from life: I always helped out my sister if she did not have enough money for food before her salary. But when she asked me to lend her money to buy a new car, I tensed up. Yes, I had some savings, but at that time I was planning to fly on vacation with the whole family. But the sister, most likely, would not have had time to return the money on time.

I had to refuse native person by saying this phrase. I referred to real story when a close friend didn't pay me back. She disappeared and even changed her phone number. I lost both friendship and money.

My sister understood me and after the refusal decided to buy a cheaper car. So everyone was a winner.

I can't help you, but I'll do it for you...

If you can’t or don’t want to (and you have every right, by the way) to do what a friend or relative asks you to do, you can refuse him that way. The main thing is to offer a nice bonus in return for your refusal.

Once a friend asked me to bring her a sack of potatoes from the dacha. And by that time we had already distributed all the excess stocks. I turned her down, but invited their whole family to try my new dish -

Saying "no" is right

General rules for polite refusal:

Before you refuse, consider whether the request is really difficult for you to fulfill. Weigh all the pros and cons.
During the rejection, do not joke or smile. Speak firmly and confidently.
Try to argue your refusal (unless, of course, your arguments do not offend a person).
When refusing, do it by saying that you are very pleased that the person turned to you for help.
Offer a friend or relative a way out of this situation.
Avoid words with a negative connotation: "error", "problem", "failure", "delusion".

If it is easy for you to comply with the request, do what is asked of you close person. After all, someday you will have to turn to him for help.