How to politely refuse so as not to offend a person? How to say a firm "no": advice from psychologists, examples of phrases. Secrets of communication

Often, nothing is easier than say no. Many of us often agree to something or do not know how to normally refuse, and then we face the consequences of our desire to seem comfortable to others. It takes character to say "no" in many situations. However, you need to learn how to do it. So, how to say no and do it as correctly as possible?

I am one of those who often impulsively agree to something, and then suffer myself or make others suffer, because I have already promised something. I was pointed out this feature at a psychological training in graduate school, and later I myself began to notice such a trait in myself.

If you have more significant plans, then an insignificant request should be rejected so as not to ruin your own daily routine. Do not forget that you have your work tasks, your hobbies and your relatives, who don’t see you very often anyway. Should you go to work for a colleague and whether he will be grateful to you for this.

I once married a colleague to work, but he never replaced me. In the end, I made life easier for another person who was just a colleague to me. I received absolutely nothing in return. I was "trained". Such exploitation should be avoided.

Often we cannot refuse other people simply because we do not have clear priorities and. Develop and then you will be much easier to move towards your goals and it will be more difficult to lead you astray with insignificant requests.

We always have to sacrifice something when you say yes to something. For example, if you agree to attend a fun event, then this evening you are unlikely to have time to work or visit a fitness club.

The strength of character and determination that is needed to learn to refuse other people is a quality that can be developed. And you should always remember that this is your life and you have full right to refuse other people. Before you say yes or no, you need to think about the motives of the person who turned to you with a request. It is possible that they are simply trying to manipulate you.

It is useful to explain your refusal with reason. That's just "I don't have time" - this is a very bad argument, and most often it hides the usual unwillingness to do something.

You give with your hands - you walk with your feet

I once lent money to a friend of mine. So, when he decided to return the money (which is already not bad!), I had to go for my money almost to the other end of the city. I wasted a lot of gas and time.

I also once borrowed some money from my cousin. He did not pick up the phone for a long time and delayed the return. Sometimes it's easier to just say no than to waste your time later. But it's still okay. I also had cases when the money that was borrowed from me was never returned to me.

Refuse confidently, otherwise they will try to convince you and lure you "to the side of evil." Saying "yes" is easy, but dealing with the consequences is a whole story.

Write down every time you agree to something. Also write down when you made a refusal. This kind of fixation on paper will help you be more aware and not say “yes” on autopilot in the future.

How to say no to another person

Don't interrupt the person. Even if you know for sure that you already want to refuse. Show respect for the other person and let them speak fully. Then don't just bounce. It is worth offering alternatives acceptable to you personally that could suit both people. It is also worth saying under what conditions you could agree and why specifically now you are not able to help. Sometimes it is appropriate not to answer immediately, but to consider your answer.

You also need to be able to respond adequately to an attempt to convince you. Often, having said “no” to something, they still convince us. If you sincerely want to refuse, then do not agree to something because of guilt. Be consistent in your words and deeds. You may have to clearly express your refusal several times. To strengthen the persuasiveness of your position, you should think about reasonable arguments. .

It is useful to soften the refusal. For example, tell a person that you understand him, but in this situation you cannot help him. Remember that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. And at the same time, don't overdo it. If it’s not difficult for you to help and you sincerely want it, then why not lend a helping hand? As a rule, people will be very grateful. It is necessary to act according to the situation and do not forget to think with your own head. Do not let yourself be ridden and manipulated, but you should not become a completely anti-social person who will not lend a helping hand in a difficult moment.

Many people suffer from the fact that they do not know how to say the word "no". Although it is logical from time to time to refuse to help people that you cannot give, many, sacrificing their own interests, come to the rescue of others. Think it's right? No matter how. Some people shamelessly take advantage of the courtesy of others and live happily at the expense of it. How to refuse a person without offending him?

Boost your self esteem

A person must be a reasonable egoist. Self-interest should always be put above. Of course, if they do not prevent other people from living happily. More often than others, the question "how to refuse a person without offending him" is asked by people with low self-esteem. Strong personalities who know what they want will never sacrifice their interests to help others. For example, you can apply to the poor only if your finances allow it. It is foolish to be led by beggars who, instead of going to work, stand on the street and beg money from passers-by. And this doesn't just apply to the poor. Some simply do not want to spend their own energy and learn something new. It is easier for them to find a person who can sit on his neck and live with his mind. Don't fall for mercy. Learn to defend your interests. Egoism is good quality. You have one life, and you will not have a second chance to live it happily. So never make empty promises. Think twice before agreeing to help someone to your detriment. A person who loves himself will not allow someone to infringe on his interests.

Always prepare a reason

People whom you refuse something will not be offended by you if you tell them the real reason for the refusal and explain why you cannot fulfill their request. You don't have to make up false excuses. If you can't help a friend move because you bought a theater ticket, say so. No need to justify. Just note that you did not know anything about the move of a friend, and you bought tickets a month in advance. Thus, you will be able to maintain friendship, because a person will be able to enter into your position. Do not think that a friend will suggest that you choose entertainment over help. Tickets purchased in advance are proof that you planned your leisure time and, since you had no other offers for this evening, you decided to manage your free time as you see fit.

How to refuse a person and not offend him? In no case do not come up with stupid excuses, like the fact that your mother or boyfriend is sick. Lies will be easy to check, and the person you refused for a stupid reason will be offended.

No need to justify

Don't want to do what you're asked to do? How to refuse a person without offending him? No need to justify. If you want to stay at home instead of going to a noisy party, say so. Everyone has the right to their own opinion and to the realization of their desires. If you don't want to spend time with strangers and want to relax at home, there is nothing wrong with that. Be firm in your intentions and do not try to whitewash yourself. Your decision is your choice and it cannot be wrong. You should not lower your eyes to the floor and mumble that you have not been at home for a long time and at work you are forced to contact people all the time. It will be stupid and ugly. Say "no" in a firm and confident voice. If you do not want to explain the reason for the refusal, do not do it. A simple answer will suffice: "No, thanks, I don't want to." No one will insist that you do something that you do not enjoy. Especially if you have other plans for the evening. Even if it is a completely natural desire to lie in the bath or watch your favorite series.

Talk about fear and perfectionism

How to refuse a person, so as not to offend? Many people are afraid to help their friends if they are not sure that they will cope with the task. For example, your friend asked you to replace him at the children's holiday. You have little experience with children and have no idea how to behave with them. Say that you do not want to spoil the reputation of a friend, as you are completely incompetent in organizing children's parties. There is no shame in admitting your incompetence. It will be much worse if your fears come true.

When you say no to someone because you're sure you won't do a perfect job, talk about your passion for perfectionism. This recognition will only raise your rating in the eyes of the asker, and not lower it. The desire to do everything perfectly is very commendable. And the ability to soberly assess your abilities will help you avoid embarrassing situations.

Don't fall for the tricks of manipulators

Some people are masters of the art of manipulation. How to learn to refuse people without offending them? Try not to fall for the tricks of cunning acquaintances. You found yourself in a situation where you refused a friend something, and he, instead of taking it for granted, began to say that he did not expect such a kind and sympathetic person to refuse. After such a remark, any person who has just refused will feel embarrassed. Always remember that some people will try to manipulate you. Say that you are a really sympathetic person, but only in those cases when you have the opportunity to help the person. If you have neither the desire, nor the strength, nor the time, you do not need to redraw your schedule because of gross flattery. Being greedy for compliments is bad. Do not allow confusion in your soul because of the words of the interlocutor. If you said "no" once, repeat your answer in the same firm and confident tone in which the first refusal was given.

Please lend money

Many people find it uncomfortable to refuse requests that involve money. For this reason, many people who make good money are "ridden" by all friends. They borrow money, and then they either don’t pay it back, or they give it back, but they play for a very long time. How to refuse a person and not offend him? Examples of phrases that will help you say a firm "no":

Refusals to lend are quite natural. If a person really needs money, he can go to a bank and take a loan. Therefore, you should not feel guilty if you cannot sponsor your friend.

Rejection to a fan

It is difficult to refuse a person who has warm feelings for you. But it is even worse to give a person an unrealizable hope. If you don't want to mock the person's feelings, you should say "no" right away. How to refuse a person without offending him? The rejection phrases that many girls use are terrible. Never say that a guy is kind, good and... just not worthy of you. Such a refusal implies that the other chosen one is better than your current gentleman. This fact hits hard on male self-esteem. Therefore, tell the person that you do not experience reciprocity, which means that there can be nothing between you. Is it possible to be offended by such a phrase? No. How can you be offended that a person does not feel sympathy for you? The gentleman will decide that the lady simply could not appreciate him, and will go looking for the one who will cope with this task.

Examples

How to refuse a person without offending him, via SMS? Don't use standard forms and don't write stupid excuses. Short message should contain a concise answer. It is advisable to keep within two phrases. In the first, you say that you refuse, and in the second, you specify why. How to refuse a person and not offend him? Examples of SMS messages:

• Thanks for the offer, it's tempting. But I can't accept it as I have other plans for this weekend.
• I'm sorry to tell you no, but the last time I stretched, I injured my leg badly, and I have no desire to repeat my negative experience.
• I don't understand choice indoor plants and I won't be able to go with you to the greenhouse. But I have a friend who can help you.
• I can't help you move because I'm busy this weekend. But I can help you with interior design if you need help with this.

Instruction

First, learn one truth: you do not have to make excuses for your refusal, even if it is a refusal. close person. The more helplessly you make excuses, the more you risk ruining your relationship with the person. If you are so lamenting, then why are you refusing? Such a discrepancy is incomprehensible to the person whom you refused, and offends him more than the very fact of refusal. Give a reason only if it really exists and it is serious.

Sometimes the most honest option is to say a blunt no, but it's better to do it in a gentle way. For example: “no, I can’t do it”, “no, I prefer not to do it”, “no, I don’t have free time right now”. Perhaps the interlocutor will begin to provoke and persuade you, but you stand your ground, not getting involved in the discussion.

A softer form of refusal is to show participation and understanding to the problem of the interlocutor. If a person puts pressure on pity, you can calmly listen to him, sympathize and refuse. For example: “I understand that you are very tired, but I can’t fulfill your request”, “this is a really serious problem, but I can’t solve it”, “I understand how hard it is for you, but I can’t help in this situation ".

There is one trick called delayed refusal. It is suitable for those people who do not know how to refuse at all. It is also good to buy time and think a little, weigh the pros and cons. You just need to ask the person for some time to think. This can be expressed something like this: “I don’t exactly remember all my plans for tomorrow”, “I want to consult with ...”, “I need to think”, “I can’t say right away.” If you are a reliable person, try to use this technique at all times.

There are situations in which you need to refuse partially. State your terms, what you agree to and what you don't. This happens if you really want to help in some way in a particular situation, but the person is asking for too much. You can answer: “I am ready to help with ..., but not ...”, “I will not be able to come daily, but I can do it on Thursday and Saturday”, “I will give you a lift, but if you come on time”. If you do not agree to any of the conditions offered to you, but sincerely want to help the person, ask: “maybe I can help with something else?”.

Sometimes you really wish you could help, but you don't know how. In this case, try to look for options together with the person asking. It might actually be within your power to do something. You can also refuse and immediately offer help in finding a specialist who can definitely help in resolving this issue.

Many people come across obsessive people - they are usually benevolent, but very persistently want something from us. The Village understands how to politely refuse such people if the fulfillment of their unexpected requests and demands is not included in your plans.

Denis Lunev

psychologist, business coach

The most famous way to solve this problem is called "I-message". This type of communication is used to express one's attitude to a person and to a situation without getting personal. Take several consecutive steps.

Step one: describe the situation as you see it. For example, "When they call me 20 times a day ..." or "When they expect me to do something that I cannot give ...". At this stage, the pronoun "you" should not sound.

The second step is a story about your feelings, emotions, experiences about what you said in the first step. For example, "I feel terribly upset," or "I feel guilty," or "I feel very uncomfortable."

The third step is a story about your desires: “I don’t want to ever pick up the phone again”, “I want peace and quiet”, “I want to hide”.

If the first three steps are taken sincerely, kindly, but directly, then they will have their due effect and prepare your counterpart for the fourth message - a specific proposal. So, the last step: "... therefore, I ask you to call no more than once every two days" or "... please, do not give me more gifts."

It is important throughout the conversation to talk only about yourself, your feelings and your reactions. Then you will not hurt your partner, but at the same time you will clearly make it clear your attitude and your desires.

Tatyana Weiser

Lecturer in Philosophy and Ethics, Faculty of Philosophy and Sociology, RANEPA

Obsessive people may have a dulled sense of boundary: they may not recognize you as a value in itself, but simply pour their feelings and thoughts outward, using you as a free resource of attention. You must realize that your time and living space belongs primarily to you and you have the primary right to dispose of them. Being imposed, the person seems to be telling you: "I will manage your time, space and attention more than I will let you do it yourself." There is no reason to give him such a right.

Besides, obsessive people they can hardly imagine themselves in your place in a similar situation, and if they were in it, then they might not like it. For example, they would not want to waste time on something that is uninteresting or seems pointless. Do not keep their illusions on this score.

More often than not, obsessive people feel like you can't refuse them. And you cannot refuse them, because you are not quite sure that this should be done, and you are afraid of offending someone. You need to be clear about your values ​​and goals in life. If you have defined them for yourself, you understand that time is a rather limited resource. You can spend it on nonsense, or you can manage to implement projects that are significant to you. When you realize your own and others' boundaries and learn to appreciate this living space, everything will work out by itself. You will express yourself more confidently, and cute and obsessive will feel in you enough strength of mind and will to bypass.

There are also simple rhetorical devices - to say in a polite, calm and confident tone: “Sorry, I don’t have time to talk now”, “Sorry, I’m busy right now important matter”, “Thank you, we do not need your services”, “Sorry, I am not interested in this topic”, “Unfortunately, this format / mode of communication does not suit me.” And sometimes it is useful to simply stop responding to expressed communication acts, for example, to stop correspondence or not answering phone calls, so that the person stops seeing you as a potential addressee.

Illustration: Olya Volk

One of the most common difficulties is the need to refuse people. And although at work there are often situations in which, by virtue of their professional duties you simply cannot say “no”, other circumstances will develop from day to day, giving you a certain freedom of choice. How to use your right to say “no” and correctly formulate a refusal?

Think like this: By not saying “no” at the right time, you are putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own. Do you really want it? There are many situations at work where your needs are just as important, and in some circumstances even more important than the needs of your colleagues. Remember how often colleagues refused you. And you calmly and without irritation accepted this answer. So why worry about someone getting upset if you do the same?

The real problem is that the constant "yes" is easy to become a habit, and it is really difficult to change the entrenched pattern of behavior. Think of your colleagues. Can you guess what to expect from each of them? Probably yes. Similarly, your co-workers, having become accustomed to your dependability, are likely to come to you with so many requests that you simply cannot fulfill them. Thus, the habit of constantly agreeing to work requests will lead you to become overwhelmed, because you take on more than you can do or really should do. This leads to stress, frustration, resentment, conflict and mistakes, and over time the situation only gets worse.

So, the ability to say no when you feel like it is an important skill to master. You will certainly have situations where you want to help someone, even if it is inconvenient for you. Remember: means respecting your needs and rights as much as the rights of others, as well as agreeing to compromise when necessary.

Take it step by step and don't try to do it all at once. Try one new skill and hone it until you get it right. Be prepared for the fact that not everything will work out right away. You want to learn new skills, and there are always ups and downs in learning something new.

Many do not like to say "no", believing that there is the only way to do so is a direct refusal. Such a “no” may seem rude and aggressive. And this is usually not the impression you want to make at work. You strive to establish good relationships with colleagues, but you will inevitably have to refuse someone for your own sake - your health and well-being. This means that you must be able to say “no”, but in a way that shows respect for the needs of another person. There is different ways refuse, depending on the situation. Here are three main options.

Direct rejection- most uncompromising way, and it's rarely suitable for use at work. It is most often resorted to when someone's rights are violated. In such cases, you can loudly and firmly add: "Don't you hear me, I said no."

Please provide Additional information or a promise "some other time"— an opportunity for discussion, with refusal remaining among the options.

Thoughtful "no"- the most delicate way, because you show that you listened to the interlocutor.

Below I will explain in detail what each of these options are, however the choice will depend on the situation, your attitude towards it and who is making the request, because it can be your mentor, line manager, colleague or team member to whom you really want to help.

Do not try to radically and instantly change your behavior. This is especially true for rejections, as you may shock colleagues who do not expect the leopard to suddenly change color. It is much better to start small, train hard and change gradually.

9 ways to say "no"

Don't rush to answer	Before answering someone's request, take a short pause. You can ask the other person to repeat it again so that you have a few seconds to think it over. Or say "Let me think..." check your calendar or work plan to give you time to get ready and say no.
Don't apologize too much	Apologize only when you really think it is necessary and appropriate. Many people have already gotten into the habit of repeating the word “sorry” too often. Begin sentences with "Unfortunately..." or "I'm afraid that...", but only when necessary.
Be concise	Avoid long, wordy explanations of why you can't do something. A simple phrase “Today will not work” will be enough. The following phrases may be useful - of course, when they are pronounced with friendly participation, warmth and sincere regret: "I'm sorry, but I can't do this." "Unfortunately, I just don't have time for that." "Sorry, it won't work today." (Sometimes "sorry" is fine.)
"Mirror" the behavior of the interlocutor	In this case, you mirror what and how you were asked, but still complete the phrase with a refusal. Speak in a friendly manner and with regret, look the interlocutor in the eye. You:"I don't have time in the afternoon to help you with your reports." Colleague:"But I wanted to start doing it today." You:“I understand that you wanted to start this, but I won’t be able to do it this afternoon.” Colleague:"But I need to finish everything this week." You:“I understand that you need to finish this week, but I won’t be able to help you this afternoon.”
Broken Record Technique	It is very important to insist on your negative decision, as usually the interlocutor is trying to get you to change it. Children are especially good at it! A useful technique in this case for you may be the broken record technique: just gently repeat your refusal, no matter how the interlocutor tries to put pressure on you
Explain the reason for rejection	In this case, you briefly explain the real reason for your "no". Do this only if you want to or if it's necessary. You do not have to explain your actions to everyone who asks you for something. "I can't help you with your report today because I have a business meeting this afternoon." “I don’t have time for this because I will be busy with visitors”
Offer to fulfill the request another time	In this case, you say "no" now, but you may agree to comply with the request later. On the English language this technique is called a rain check - that is, a ticket stub that gives a fan the right to attend a baseball game rescheduled due to rain. "I can't help you today because I'm in meetings all day, but maybe I'll have free time tomorrow."
Ask for more information	This is not a final refusal, in this case, discussion, compromise or refusal is possible in the future. How detailed should the report be? "Can you start without me?"
Ask for time to make a decision	Never be afraid to ask for time to think things through. "I need to check my work schedule, after that I will answer you." “I can't answer right now. I'll call you later"