How to get rid of the feeling of self-worthlessness. How to get rid of loneliness or the path to inner freedom

Monalisa 2015-04-14

Question from Tanya

How to get rid of a very deep feeling of uselessness, betrayal and not project onto future relationships with people. I want so much to be close, to love my mother, but I close myself again and again because her repetitive behavior is opening up my wound. She does not take me seriously, and looks at me as something in itself. But it's not just about her. The people closest to me pulled away from me and left
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The aunt, whom I loved very much, after the death of her husband, changed and found solace in the care of the family of my cousin, twice my senior. My aunt and brother also did not want to communicate with me, because as it turned out, my brother was not loved by his father, who wanted a girl, and I was named after his father dreamed. And so, in my teenage years, I remained unnecessary to anyone.

I was looking for love everywhere, but alas. But this attitude, I see in others. Now this is a program. If a friend (and I almost don’t have them) didn’t congratulate me on the holiday, I feel unnecessary, insignificant. And I myself turn away from such a friend. Because I give gifts, bring souvenirs, support and try to please others, but they forget about me. And I can't stand being rejected.

closest and native person For me, this is my son. But my recurring depressions, outbursts and situations that pierce my wound bring such an imbalance into my life and inner world that this cycle has already got me. I don't know how to get rid of this pain.

How to get rid of the feeling of uselessness?

Answer from Marina Danilova

Tatyana, let's start with the fact that love is nowhere to be found. She is inside of us. If we do not feel it in ourselves, our external world in every possible way reflects this to us.

This can happen in different ways:

• Betrayal
• Ignoring
• resentment
• And so on

Thanks to this, a person begins to wonder why they don’t like me, and no one needs me. But in fact, the reason is that you yourself do not love and do not appreciate.

Inside there is no awareness of its value, it can only be for you if it is confirmed from the outside world, but this does not happen. The principle of "mirror of the soul" works always and everywhere.

So you are looking for and deserve this feeling, but it cannot be found.

Also, ignoring you and your girlfriends comes from the Side of the Universe, in order to show you these problem areas.

So are relatives, they are only fulfilling their highest task, to help you pass these lessons and become much better, to finally become yourself.

And also know that when we do something nice for people, we do it out of our desire to share our internal warmth and love, but by no means out of a need to earn their gratitude. You will never get it from this position.

And when you sincerely share or give, 100 times more comes to you.

You have at least 2 options:

1. Take lessons, realize your value and take responsibility for your life
2. Blame others and dive deeper into this problem

The choice is always yours.

I personally suggest this option.

You need to realize that everything that happens is just lessons for working through internal problems. There is no need to get rid of anything, you need to recognize this problem and fill it with love constantly.

You can simply start by imagining love as a light that fills your soul.

Another despair has come, thank this feeling of uselessness and fill it with love.

You also need to realize that you are of great value to this world, otherwise you would not exist. Don't demand recognition from others. Recognize this within yourself.

You are a value. You deserve the very best.

And if something happens differently than you want, look at it from the inside.

• What in you is irritated or indignant?
• What exactly grabs you?
• What hurts?
• What feelings arise?

By answering these questions, you will find that inside you needs your love.

Do not deny anything, accept and fill with love.

I hope I answered your question, if there are still misunderstood points, write questions in the comments to this article, we will figure it out together.

Dear readers, if you have an opinion on this issue, write it in the comments.

You can also ask your question to the "Help Service" here

You can read other answers to various questions in the section

Analyze, as a result of which you have a feeling of worthlessness? Perhaps you experienced some kind of traumatic situation or a series of various failures, as a result of which you developed a persistent rejection of yourself? Try to understand that your failures, most likely, were not your fault, the circumstances just happened. Remember that no one is immune from mistakes and mistakes, everyone makes them, even the most successful and self-confident people.

Give up self-blame, do not scold yourself for every reason and for no reason. Do not try to blame yourself in any situation. Do not allow in conversations with relatives, friends, colleagues, etc. value judgments about oneself. For example, many insecure people like to repeat such phrases as: “Yes, it’s my fault”, “I was stupid again”, “Well, I’m a fool ...”, etc. From now on, there should not be such phrases in your vocabulary.

Build self-confidence. Find an interesting hobby, sign up for some courses, for example, in English and set yourself the goal of mastering it at least at the level of free reading of English-language literature - this will dramatically increase your self-esteem. Get a subscription to the pool, gym, etc. By becoming stronger physically, you will also start to respect yourself more.

Praise and reward yourself for even the smallest accomplishments. For example, you read a good book or cooked something tasty and beautiful, encouraged someone, gave someone hope for the best - all this, like many other things that you do, deserves praise!

Get rid of stereotypes of thinking. For example, when you were in school, you were told all the time that you were an incapable student, that you were not good at anything. Having got used to this label, stuck to you as a child, you continue to go through life as a loser: do not strive for new knowledge, do not take responsibility, etc. But here it is important to understand that the teacher could simply not consider the potential of your personality, did not find an individual approach to you in the learning process, and could not reveal all your abilities.

Real goals and self-confidence are the main components of success!

Set realistic goals for yourself, achieve them using the principle of small steps. For example, you decide to get higher education. Rejoice in every small success on the way to achieving the main goal: successfully passed the test, you listened to a lecture on a particular subject, the end of the next course - all these are reasons for joy.

Do not lose faith in yourself, strive to conquer new peaks, in spite of any evaluative judgments of others, and you will gain self-confidence and get rid of the feeling of uselessness and worthlessness.

Help others with a smile kind word, sympathy, concrete deeds. There are many truly unhappy and lonely people in the world who really need your help. Pay attention to children in orphanages, lonely elderly people, patients in hospices and other similar institutions - they all need simple human participation. It is important that your help comes from the heart, be sincere.

Do not seek to assert yourself at the expense of others, remember that truly wise people strive for self-expression. Your goals do not have to coincide with the goals of the people around you - that you should live the same way they live? Set your goals, live the way you want to live. Remember your dream, because you must have a network. Just go to her and you will find happiness and self-confidence.

When Elena broke up with her beloved husband, it seemed to her that the world had collapsed. Nothing else in this life did not cling to her and did not please, there was no need to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. The curtains were always tightly drawn, the sunlight irritated and caused tears, and dust and dirt accumulated around and accumulated ...

There was no point in washing cups and plates after you, and I didn’t even want to take out the trash. Everywhere there were apple cores, candy wrappers, unwashed coffee cups, cigarette butts and much more, which could not have been imagined even for a minute in Elena's sparkling clean apartment.

Well, at least the apartment remained. She got it from her grandmother and Kostya did not take it with him. How he took everything else, including Elena's broken heart. For a month now, Elena did not leave the house and did not pick up the phone, and did not answer the doorbell. It has been a month since she was buried alive in her apartment and for some reason did not die.
Only one thought constantly pulsates in her brain: "No one needs me."

How to get rid of feelings of loneliness and uselessness photo

NO-ONE!! How scary...

And suddenly the doorbell is not as timid and apologetic as before, saying sorry for disturbing you in your grief, but arrogant and demanding, which proved that the one who calls will not leave until they open it.

Elena trudged to the door with a terrible pain in her head and a desire to get the unwanted guest out as soon as possible. She opened the door and her mouth, and then a pair of strong and unceremonious hands of her friend Anna brought her into the apartment.

"Anka! Leave me alone! Elena yelled indignantly, but she seemed not to hear or listen to her.

"Oh my friend! Well, see!” Anna said, picking up rubbish and unwashed cups along the way.

"Let's put yourself in order quickly - we're leaving!"

"Where?" - Elena clapped her eyes stunned, - “I'm not going anywhere! I want nothing!!!"

You will go! Here are the tickets! - and Anna laid a blue puffy envelope on the table

We are going with you to the Emirates!!

And she quickly began to look in the closet for Elena's outfits that suited her, throwing them into a small suitcase, ignoring Lena's offended and stunned look.

Half an hour later, things were packed, Lena was washed and combed, and freshly brewed tea was steaming on the cleaned table.
- Emirates! - Anya said admiringly, - Can you imagine?

No, Lena fought back languidly, - I don't want anything, - but even in her eyes a light slowly lit up, their old and even half-forgotten dream - EMIRATES!!

Can you imagine we will see Dubai!! And Mosques! And Ocean! (the ocean has always been capitalized - like Big Dream) We will see unreal luxury and 999 gold!! We will see cars decorated with diamonds, and we will also buy fur coats for ourselves!

The plane took off late at night, and in it, huddled together, two big-eyed girls were sitting and smiling. And no one would have thought that one of them almost died and could not even imagine that she would live on and dream and enjoy every minute of her life! They flew towards the Fairy Tale! Towards the dream! And the dream did not take long to beg. It was there, in the Emirates, that Lena accidentally met a guy who (as it turned out) lived in a neighboring house in the same yard with her in Kiev. And he had been hopelessly in love with her for a long time. But she was married and he went to work in the Emirates, so as not to see her and not to suffer, seeing how unhappy she was with another. Fate gives us interesting gifts.

In addition to an extraordinary journey, Lena found a loved one, a new relationship and a fur coat.

Loneliness is not as simple a phenomenon as it might seem at first glance. It can be pathological or normal, be a conscious choice of a person or a consequence of his failure in life. If you are looking for ways to get rid of loneliness, then it probably does not please you, which means you did not choose it. Or did they still choose without realizing it? It is from this position that I propose to consider this issue.

Loneliness is the detachment of a person from the real world (physical, mental, spiritual) due to the unwillingness or impossibility of establishing contacts with others. According to the theory of K. Rogers, loneliness is due to the contradictions of the individual with his own Self; this is a variant of maladaptation (a problem with the assimilation of social experience).

• Loneliness is not necessarily associated with social isolation. It arises, as a rule, against the background of a violation of traditional social situations of development and situational interaction of the individual with other individuals. That is, we are talking about deformation in the passage of mandatory, age-appropriate elements and the formation of interaction models.
• For example, in adolescence, it is necessary to communicate with peers. If the individual was deprived of this, then he did not learn to interact with either the opposite or the identical sex. The result is loneliness in adolescence and adulthood.

Loneliness is always based on opposite poles of feelings. That is, a person simultaneously feels, for example, fear and interest.

What is pathology

The extreme variant of pathological loneliness is autism (the impossibility of establishing social contacts with subsequent isolation). This is an independent clinical disease that requires appropriate psychotherapeutic assistance. Therefore, in this article I will not describe autism.

Instead, we will talk about non-pathological forms, in which, as a rule, there is a feeling of misunderstanding, lack of recognition, dislike, lack of support, and more. Perhaps every person has experienced non-pathological loneliness to one degree or another. According to the concept of E. Fromm, loneliness is an integral feature of human existence.

Two reference positions clearly differentiate the pathology from the norm:

1. Under the norm, loneliness does not change the communicative and activity sphere of the individual.
2. With the pathological negative destructive nature of loneliness, the sphere of communication and activity of the individual noticeably suffers.

Loneliness levels

Existential loneliness is the broadest level. In addition to it, social and psychological loneliness is distinguished.

1. The social is due to a misunderstanding (non-acceptance) of the culture of society (change of values, immorality, change environment due to growing up and changing the place of location), that is, this is a non-acceptance by the individual of society. But it can also be based on the rejection of the individual by society (due to low status, other views).
2. Psychological loneliness is caused intrapersonal conflicts, contradictions, crises. A person experiences a whole range of emotions and sometimes he does not understand why he feels loneliness. The "cocktail" of such loneliness includes personal values ​​and attitudes, character, temperament, interests, needs and desires.

Types of loneliness

I want to introduce you to several classifications of loneliness.

According to the mechanism of perception

The first is based on the psychological mechanisms of the perception of one's state by a person and the characteristics of loneliness itself.

alienating loneliness

A person is aware of his condition and its cause. The mechanism of removal (from norms, values, people, the whole world) is turned on.

diffuse loneliness

Identification mechanism is enabled. A person is so dissolved in society that he loses himself. He does not understand himself and is afraid. Sometimes a person is not aware of alienation from himself.

dissociated loneliness

Most of the others are close to pathology. It is manifested by a mixture of identification and removal mechanisms. First, a person “dissolves” in someone, unconditionally accepts him and begins to see himself in him (which is bad). Gradually, he begins to see in this person his undesirable qualities. First there is a partial suspension, and then a complete one.

controlled loneliness

Something to strive for. This is a balance between self-knowledge (reflection, self-regulation, resistance to society) and identification with society. It's about maintaining your uniqueness while maintaining social contacts.

By type of personality

The second classification is based on the definition of the type of lonely people and the expression of their subjectivity.

hopelessly lonely

Completely renounced by society, people who are not satisfied with their relationships. They do not have a permanent partner or spouse, social circle. They don't even talk to their neighbors. They feel abandoned and empty. At the same time, they tend to blame others (family, ex-spouses, friends) for their loneliness.

Periodically (temporarily) lonely

They have many social contacts and connections, are active, but need close and intimate relationships, from which they periodically feel abandoned.

Passively and steadily alone

These are people who feel loneliness all the time, needing close connections, but resigned and not trying to change anything, often hiding the true state (“I don’t need anyone. I have me. Everything is fine”).

Existential loneliness as a separate species

Recently, words and phrases containing “existence”, that is, “existence”, have become very popular. Existentialism is a direction in philosophy about the very essence of human existence.

Existential loneliness affects those who hold the view that all souls are alone. That is, all that a permanent person has is a soul. Otherwise, he is alone, and outside of his personality he does not feel support and support in the world as such. An adherent of such a worldview believes that each person is unique in his feelings and thoughts, and therefore is always alone.

• A person feels his connection with the cosmos, a higher destiny, super-uniqueness. Experiences the whole range of emotions and states, up to depression.
• Such loneliness is on the verge of pathology and norm.
• On the one hand, this is a distorted disturbed perception of the world, constant anxiety and a feeling of loneliness.
• On the other hand, a person is usually mentally healthy. Closely related to this crisis of loneliness are questions of life and death, the essence of being. But this is a completely different topic.

Signs of a lonely person

Lonely people can be spotted in a crowd, despite the fact that their loneliness takes on other forms. Lonely people:

• dislike sociable and happy people;
• overly focused on themselves, interrupting, translating the conversation;
• gloomy;
• anxious;
• unresponsive or vice versa overly attentive to others;
• sometimes overly critical and straightforward;
• aggressive;
• get irritated over trifles;
• conflicting or vice versa overly compliant;
• suspicious;
• do not express their opinion;
• hypocritical;
• do not always control their behavior;
• exert psychological pressure on others;
• feel uncomfortable in companies;
• cannot have fun (sometimes they can under the influence of alcohol);
• experience difficulties in a situation where you need to agree, call, solve an important personal and business issue;
• feel unwanted, incompetent, unloved;
• self-critical;
• prone to self-flagellation.

Thus, a lonely person is either too friendly not to be repulsed, or too rude, for which he is again repulsed. Sometimes there is mixed behavior. That is, a person does not have standard models of interaction with people. Depending on the type of loneliness, it results in aggression or depression. One way or another, a lonely person is not happy.

Causes of loneliness

The most popular reason for loneliness is the fear of rejection. Often this prevents a person from leaving the comfort zone, trying a new role, which increases the feeling of inner emptiness. It turns out a vicious circle.

Thus, the causes of loneliness include:

• low social organization (social loneliness);
• rupture of personally significant ties, relationships (divorce, death, relocation);
• loneliness complex (personal characteristic, element, that is, fear of possible alienation or loneliness, despite the preservation of social ties);
• non-inclusion in society (existential loneliness);
• certain personality traits (narcissism, aggression, megalomania, isolation, shyness, anxiety);
• setting unrealistic goals;
• cultivation of unreasonable needs;
• lack of full-fledged communication (there is no emotional response from other people, although there may be many superficial connections and communication).

There are also more global causes of loneliness:

• urbanization;
• population growth;
• competition;
• social concept of individualism;
• change in the socio-political and economic life of the country and more.

That is, everything that separates people from each other or divides them into different “camps”.

What to do?

Overcoming loneliness is achieving freedom. This is based on activity, first of all, work and (according to the theory of E. Fromm). The structure of loneliness includes subjectivity and self-actualization. This is what I propose to work with. I’ll say right away: you need to work (for you!), It will be difficult and painful, but over time it will be interesting and pleasant.

1. You must clearly see the purpose for which you want to get rid of loneliness. Not a single psycho-correction can do without goal-setting and motivation. Consider how many options for the "prize", evaluate all the advantages and disadvantages. Calculate what will need to be sacrificed and what the goal will give you. Choose a landmark. Why do you want to get rid of loneliness? For what, not why. Actually, this is the first point in the fight against loneliness.
2. Set realistic goals and conditions for interacting with people. Break down unrealistic ideas about people and relationships.
3. In continuation of the above: find out your strengths and weaknesses and then work with it. Carry out a personal diagnosis (identify possible congenital causes of your loneliness). For methods, I recommend referring to the manual by A. O. Prokhorov “Methods for diagnosing and measuring the mental states of a person: tutorial". Pay special attention to chapter three "Diagnosis of neuropsychic stress and its manifestations" and chapter four "Diagnosis of mental states in a situation of life activity." Just take and go through all the tests and questionnaires (diagnosis of stress, anxiety, asthenic condition, emotional burnout, subjective feeling of loneliness, depression, mood, frustration, self-esteem, insecurity, self-regulation). Highly recommend! All in one book. Finally meet your true self! Find out the type of your character, temperament, stressful and successful situations for you. Your innate features (there is something that we cannot change; you need to accept and stop torturing yourself).
4. It is important to decompose exactly your loneliness (after all, you are unique, and therefore your loneliness is unique) on the shelves. Find out the reasons. What are they? External or internal? Permanent or situational? Stable or changeable?
5. Fight your fears, anxieties, traumas (someone's death, divorce, separation from your mother in childhood, a difficult separation from a loved one, a forced flight), that is, the "roots" that keep you within loneliness. Everything that you identify with the help of techniques, analyze and decide what is stopping you. You need to find what has knocked you down and continues to hide somewhere in you and produce “toxins”. And then work it out.
6. Find out your psychological mechanisms protection and ways to respond to stress, conflict, separation, and so on (you can also find test methods). Were these the mechanisms that led you to this state? If yes, then you need to change them.
7. Try to remember when you first felt alone, what could have been the trigger, and how you have changed since then.
8. Remember yourself “old”, evaluate how you can return there (if that model I suited you).
9. Speak all your thoughts, images, feelings. Try to visualize and structure them or express them in poetry, drawings, prose.
10. Tame your instincts and exposure to public opinion, reinforce your own position and rationality of actions, according to the situation and your beliefs.
11. Visit a psychotherapist if you cannot cope with the “pus” that has come out on your own.

1. Improve your communication skills and abilities (sign up for public speaking courses). Social contacts are impossible without communication.
2. Expand your horizons. Loneliness, without knowing it, offers you favorable conditions. Outsmart it and use it to your advantage: develop, study yourself, fight what does not suit you.
3. Find (if you have lost, if not, so much the better) your Self (interests, beliefs, values). Join a club of interests, find like-minded people based on interests.
4. Go to public places, make acquaintances and connections (I warned that it would be "painful").
5. Think about what you are guided by when choosing an environment. If you don't care about looks, why do you think others do? It's not like that, not all.
6. Reinforce your actions with positive memories of previous experiences, discard negative ones.
7. Accept the fact that truth is born in contradictions. Don't be afraid to be yourself. The knowledge and rapprochement of two people occurs, among other things, through constructive criticism, the expression of desires and dissatisfaction, the discussion of needs and problems (personal and general). If you are afraid of being rejected, then remember that people have much more common features than you think.
8. Rank your desired relationship. That is, write down those people with whom you would like to get to know each other better. Call them weekly (note this on the sheet) and arrange meetings.
9. In case of unsuccessful meetings (they, of course, will be), write down your actions, which probably led to this. At next meeting try to avoid them and evaluate the result. In this way, over time, you will be able to build your personal models of desirable and undesirable behavior.
10. If your self-regulation, mental resistance to outside influence suffers, then I suggest signing up for trainings (personal growth, resistance to manipulation) or master self-regulation techniques (auto-trainings).
11. Get involved in volunteering. Here you have social contacts, a sense of significance, and an increase in self-esteem. But! As always, it is important that it comes from the heart, does not contradict your attitudes (for example, some people treat people without a permanent place of residence very badly, then what kind of volunteering can we talk about).
12. Learn to understand other people. You can also take relationship building training. Learn empathy, empathy.
13. Respect the worldview of other people as well as your own. That is, stick to your position, but do not impose it.
14. Evaluate the information that comes to you. Beware of stereotypes, rumors, unverified facts from the Internet. Books and personal communication will help you!
15. Get a pet. It's not just about taking care of it. After all, he still needs to be taken to the veterinary clinic, you can discuss his problems or funny behavior with someone. Feel what I'm talking about (social contacts)?

Loneliness as a need

Each person wants (whatever, he needs it) to be understood, recognized and in demand in his own mind and in the eyes of other people. With these facts and their harmony, a person will not feel lonely.

It is important to understand that loneliness is an integral part of our life, and according to A. Maslow, it is the highest need to achieve self-actualization of the individual. You do not endure loneliness, but yourself. Loneliness must be manageable and necessary for self-knowledge. That is, it is necessary not to get rid of loneliness, but to transfer it from destructive to constructive (creating a personality, not destructive). But it is important to remember that, on the other hand, loneliness in the form of long-term social deprivation (unmet needs) is dangerous and not natural for a person.

Remember, you are not alone. You are potentially free! And in the end, there are only two points in overcoming loneliness: make friends (understand, understand) with yourself, and then with others.

Popular Mistakes

Loneliness drives people crazy (in the literal sense, alienating, diffuse and dissociated loneliness can turn into pathology) and pushes people to make mistakes that only exacerbate the situation. Common loneliness mistakes include:

• withdrawal into alcohol, drugs, another illusion;
• attempts to enter any company, try on someone else's personality, just not to be lonely;
• join any group, take on any business in order to be needed, even if it contradicts one's own worldview;
• be intrusive;
• ignore the situation, wait for self-resolution.

Results

Thus, loneliness is a feeling of lack (loss) in a person's life of something or someone personally significant. It is dangerous for a person: it threatens his freedom, individuality and identity.

But on the other hand, we can say that this is a specific version of self-perception, self-consciousness. Having tamed loneliness, one can find a conviction in the uniqueness of oneself and others, realize the value of human relationships. Tamed loneliness - the basis for building trusting relationship with yourself and others.

If you cannot cope with loneliness on your own, you are tortured by suicidal thoughts, then be sure to visit a specialist!

Literature on the topic

• Jean-Michel Quinodo "The Taming of Loneliness"
• K. Grof and S. Grof "The Frantic Search for Self: A Guide to Personal Growth Through the Crisis of Transformation."
• L. Svendsen "Philosophy of loneliness". This book will help not only to understand the phenomenon of loneliness itself, but also to find the boundaries between your Self and other people, teach you to understand yourself and others, take responsibility for your life (including loneliness), explain the subtle patterns of loneliness and friendship, love , trust.

If you are experiencing cognitive dissonance (internal disagreement, contradiction), and you probably are, then I recommend reading the article. Some recommendations are also given there. To analyze the issues of fear and anxiety, jealousy, insecurity, I suggest reading articles,.

Be a unique, self-sufficient, constantly evolving person, and then none of the possible loneliness will overtake you. Remember that you have many alternative choices. And it's great, not scary!