Resentment has settled somewhere in the depths of the soul, it does not let you forget about yourself, and all thoughts, as luck would have it, constantly return in a vicious circle to the traumatic situation. I feel so sorry for myself, my beloved, and no one will tell you how to forgive an offense when you don’t want to forgive at all. You don’t want to, but you have to, because not forgiving will cost you more.
Is it possible to find freedom through forgiveness
The inability to quickly forget insults is characteristic of people with low self-esteem, those who do not love themselves enough. Many seethe for years with anger at a husband or wife, at parents or their children, at colleagues and neighbors. Confidence in one's rightness seems unshakable, one's own actions and actions seem to be the only correct ones.In order to assess your ability to forgive, you need to answer yes or no to the following statements:
- Only the weak can forgive.
- They completely ruined my life.
- Their actions are inexcusable.
- I was a child when I was traumatized, hurt.
- Others are wrong, but I'm always right (a).
- I blame my parents (husband, wife) for what happened.
- The guarantee of my safety is the refusal of forgiveness, resentment against these people.
- I don't know how to overcome resentment.
If you agree with at least some of these statements, then you know that forgiving is not as easy as it might seem. Without knowing how to learn to forgive insults, it is impossible to become a truly happy person. Yes, maybe someone behaved with you not in the best way, however, this incident has long since ended, and everything is a thing of the past. You should not think that you recognized the correctness of the act of the person who offended you, if you forgave your offender - this is a fundamentally wrong belief.
You need to understand the main thing - every time a person acts in the only way possible for himself. This is the maximum for him at that moment, otherwise he simply could not do it then. It's not easy to accept this statement, right? After all, you would have done something completely different. However, considering his life experience, upbringing, existing knowledge, the current situation, the person who offended you did not have the opportunity to do otherwise.
There is another important aspect here - someone who can easily offend another, himself had to endure childish insults and more than once face anger. Psychology family relations claims that domestic tyrants are obtained from those boys (and sometimes girls) who had to suffer in childhood from their father, or they saw how he offended their mother.
An example can be an authoritarian mother who constantly humiliates her father, and then the girl transfers this model to her family, following her example, offending her own husband. Understanding this pattern, it is absolutely not necessary to give your life at the mercy of such people. We just need to remember that life could hurt our offenders.
This is what is called “accepting the situation”. This expression is often found in methods that recommend how to overcome resentment. This way of thinking is the first step towards starting life from scratch, freeing yourself from anger at your offenders.
Negative consequences of unforgiven resentment
Knowing how to get rid of resentment, you can change your attitude to the world, to people. The law of reflection will be true to itself here too - both the world and people will take not one, but several steps towards. There is a real chance to start life anew. In addition, without learning how to deal with resentment, you can damage your body.No matter how much pain and negative emotions people cause, the only thing that can be worse than this is the harm done to oneself by one's own hands. Resentment and anger accumulate in the body like a poison taken daily in a teaspoon. It increases its concentration, and undermines the strength of a person with its destructive action. You won’t be able to feel like a healthy and happy person without knowing how to survive an insult, and keeping a negative past in your soul.
Living in a state of constant stress is an unbearable burden for any person. And the negative emotions caused by resentment have a devastating effect on the psyche. Under the influence of anger nervous system, constantly suffering from negativity, no longer regulates the work of organs and systems so qualitatively, hence the disease and failure of immunity.
Resentment against parents - we analyze the problem
Psychology says that our memory is selective - it blocks many bad memories, does not allow them to reach the level of consciousness. That is why our memories of childhood are mostly rosy, and unpleasant incidents are hidden deep in the subconscious. However, even the most wonderful relationship in the present can mask childhood resentment towards parents.The roots of all the problems that a person meets now, and from which he wants to be freed, stretch into the past. Almost everyone has a very deep resentment towards their parents somewhere, that they did not give us love, attention, support, a positive assessment of our achievements and actions. Not everyone can immediately admit that they have such a belief, but many still take offense at their mother and father for the pain they caused.
This belief is not far from the truth - everyone had to experience pain, the memories of which passed into adulthood. These childhood grievances against mother and father formed an attitude towards the world as a hostile place where you constantly need to be on the alert, where any relationship can turn into a betrayal. Our world reflects these thoughts and beliefs like a mirror.
How to get rid of this burden
In order to make life more harmonious, you need to remember the past and those traumatic moments in which you were hurt, morally pressured, did not understand. Remembering this, try to understand your mother and father, to forgive your parents. To understand how to deal with resentment towards a mother or father, one exercise can be applied (V. Zhikarentsev's method).
To do this, you need to take their photographs, and if this is not possible, then imagine the father and mother in the form of an abstract image. Then you need to start raising to the surface of consciousness all the thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with them. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself, even if internal dialogue delivers pain. When it feels like negative emotions enough for one time, the exercise must be stopped and started after a while.
What should be learned during this dialogue? In order to learn how to get rid of resentment towards your mother and father, you need to accept them into your life and forgive. They acted as they could in their time, as their own parents taught, as reality dictated. They weren't motivated by anger, but sincerely thought it was best for you, and they did the best they could then.
Thinking about how to forgive an insult, you need to remember that we are they, you look at your mother and father - you look at yourself, you are offended by your mother - you are offended by yourself. The psychology of conflict compares a person who is unable to let go of such a situation to those who tear something important away from themselves with their own hands. Getting rid of anger at your mother and father, learning how to let go of resentment, you can take a huge and important step towards yourself.
"Whoever remembers the old, that eye out"
Still, our ancestors were not quite dense, they understood something important about why and how to forget the offense. Modern psychology agrees with them, it believes that thoughts and words have power. Offended by a mother, husband, beloved man, we experience many emotions:- fear
- sadness
- regret
- desire for revenge
- guilt
Blaming another person for your experiences, you have to waste your strength, because the responsibility for the feelings that manifest in you with this approach is shifted to someone else. But after all, you can’t blame your husband, mother, wife, or colleague for penetrating your thoughts and forcing you to react to their actions in this way. So, when deciding how to get rid of resentment, you need to meaningfully choose your feelings and reaction to the words of another person.
Thinking about how to forgive an offense should not be guided by anger. It is more important for the first to go to the world and draw reasonable boundaries that cannot be crossed in a relationship. This is the most useful thing to do in such a situation.
Who among us has not been offended in life? They criticized, did not appreciate, did not understand, did not hear ... And then there is an insult that sits in the heart like a splinter. How to get rid of it? How to forgive an offense? How to forget caustic words addressed to you? How to survive the betrayal of a friend? This article will teach you.
Resentment as a means of manipulation
Some psychologists say that resentment is a way to get what you want. This is especially true for close relatives. The wife, trying to teach a lesson to her late husband, pouts her lips and "takes a vow of silence." The husband accuses his wife of being unable to manage the household, hinting at constant meetings with girlfriends. Why do adults have such a need to offend? loved one for private purposes?
Psychologists say that all this comes from childhood. A child who likes a toy cries and begs for it from their parents. The little manipulator knows it's bad. Parents also know this, but they still buy the 25th doll or car. It is impossible to look at the tears of your baby without pity. We often use this method of manipulating others later in adult life. True, he works more often with close relationships.
Why does a person offend another?
What is the main reason why one individual offends another? We are often offended and do not think about it at all. But humiliation and verbal insults against us are often a disguised compliment on the part of our opponents.
Envy, unfortunately, is inherent in many people. Not many will praise a person who has achieved any heights. But there will always be those who will scold him and blaspheme. By doing his vile deed against us, the offender gains a sense of his own importance. He "grows" in his own eyes. Moreover, the more his words affect us, the more joy and satisfaction it will bring to him. So why indulge him? Let's smile back at him and say nice words. We are concerned about the question of how to forgive an offense? Sometimes, in order to do this, it is enough to understand why we are humiliated and insulted.
Consequences of resentment
Perhaps many people find it difficult at times to forgive their enemies. Many people think: “Why should I forget the offense? My enemy will be happy if he does not suffer the deserved punishment for this. Learning to forgive is necessary for oneself, to preserve one's health. To understand this, just look at the following list of potential problems that can arise if you constantly replay an unpleasant situation in your head:
Decreased immunity;
thyroid problems;
Depression;
Diseases of the cardiovascular system;
Oncology;
Mental disorders;
Migraines, headaches.
At first glance, the connection between the occurrence of these ailments and the mood of a person seems unrealistic. But it is worth imagining what is happening inside the offended person in order to understand this. For example, a person was rude on the bus, fired from work for no reason, insulted ... What do most of us do in this case? Some are taken to take revenge, someone - to drink "bitter", someone becomes isolated in himself. But many of us will swallow the hurt and move on with our lives. Only here is the insult, the tension from it has not gone away. Negativity accumulates in our body. This will continue until the negative energy finds an outlet. And the way out here can be severe depression, and a nervous breakdown, and a complex illness, and so on. So why accumulate resentment in yourself? We need to learn how to neutralize them. How to forgive an offense and let it go will be discussed later.
How to remain calm in response to criticism?
A person sometimes with indignation perceives teachings from another person. And what can we say about the offensive words that he hears from others? Remaining calm in response to criticism is often very difficult. Of course, it is good to remain cool and unflappable in any situation. But how to curb your emotions when necessary? There are a few tips to help you do this:
Don't answer the offender right away. In anger, you can say a lot of things that you will later regret.
And then the question of how to save the situation, and not how to forgive insults, will come to the fore for you. The past cannot be returned. An unpleasant aftertaste from a quarrel will remain not only with your opponent, but also with you. Cool down and analyze the opponent's words. And only then parry.
Deceive the offender in his expectations. Konstantin Kushner, a Russian historian and educator, said: "If you are offended, the enemy has succeeded." Know that the main goal of the opponent is to hurt you to the quick. So why should he give this pleasure? Smile and forgive him.
During an argument, ask the abuser, "What can I do to make things right?" Is he confused and unable to answer? So he has personal reasons to talk bad about you. Such criticism cannot be fair.
The genius Erian Schultz said: “To be offended by bad words addressed to you is to agree with them.” This simple phrase explains everything. Do you consider yourself to be what your enemies are trying to make you look like? Of course not. But there is no point in proving them otherwise. It is better to step aside, leaving their words unheeded.
Do you want to know how to learn to forgive insults? Justify your opponents. Try to put yourself in their place and understand why they do it. Everything is simpler than it seems at first glance. Nature created one so angry, the second was offended today, and he shouted at you in the heat of the moment, the third has an unlucky day today, everything falls out of his hands, and he decided to “send everything to hell”, having quarreled with everyone, including you . Justified? Has it become easier? All that remained in my heart was pity for these poor fellows.
Live in the present. You need to forgive the offense in time, let go of the past and continue to go on your way. Focusing on quarrels with others will not lead to good.
The main thing is the inner core!
Only strong-willed people can remain calm in response to criticism and not be offended by insults and slander. We often worry about the bad things we hear about ourselves. It doesn't matter if they said them to our eyes or behind our backs. But if we know that we have done nothing wrong, then why are we worried? The main thing is the confidence that we are right, that we are doing the right thing, that the truth is on our side. This conviction gives us calmness, firmness, determination. The inner core will not allow us to bend before offensive insults and slander. And we will not have questions about how to forgive an offense and let go of the past, how to forget insults addressed to us, how to improve relations after a quarrel.
Exercise number 1 - revenge on the offender
Learning to forgive is not easy. Getting over yourself is sometimes difficult. Special exercises will help to do this, for example, such as "imaginary revenge on the offender." It consists in the following:
Exercise number 2 - forgiveness
Psychologists say that thoughts and words are material. By managing them, you can easily change your life as in positive side, as well as negative. And if positive thoughts and words carry a creative energy, then negative ones produce a destructive effect. This knowledge will help us answer the main question that concerns us: "How to forgive an offense, finding peace and joy?" It is recommended to perform this exercise for 5-15 minutes a day. It is best to do this with a partner, but you can do it alone. It consists in the following:
- Take a comfortable position.
- Loudly and emotionally repeat several times, mentally addressing your offender: “You are good, cheerful, kind ... I forgive you for the fact that ...”.
- After releasing the resentment, tell yourself this: "I forgive myself for ...".
Three ways not to be offended
- Only truly strong and great people have self-control. Anyone can be offended, but only a select few can forgive. No wonder Socrates said: "To be offended is beneath the dignity of a person." And why are we worse than a great philosopher? Let's learn to forgive.
- Let's replace resentment with pity. For example, our soulmate spoke sharply about some of our personal qualities: the husband said that his wife was a bad cook, the wife "broke her husband's brain" about small earnings, and so on. Now we are overwhelmed by the thought of how to forgive an offense to a loved one. Let's just take pity on the poor guy. After all, a person offends when he is in a state of anger, frustration or a bad mood. And all this adversely affects his health. It's already not easy for the offender.
- You can try to find out why people offend us. A heart-to-heart conversation will help resolve an unpleasant situation.
The main thing is not to keep
Not everyone understands why we should learn how to forget the offense and forgive. But, as we have already found out, experiencing negative emotions is unhealthy. And resentment, anger, grief - these are perhaps the most negatively colored feelings. In our civilized society, it is not customary to openly express your emotions, especially negative ones. Therefore, many people, swallowing resentment, try to pretend that nothing happened. But experiences do not give them rest. Over time, the unpleasant situation is erased from memory, but the sediment on the soul from it still remains.
What to do in this case? Release negative emotions out in time so that they do not have time to harm our physical and mental health. You need to do this when you are at home alone. Otherwise, you can unpleasantly shock your household. You can break several plates on the floor, knock your fists on the pillow, imagining your offender in its place. You can just scream loudly at home when you are alone. It takes only a few minutes. But you will see how easy it will be for you after that. The world will no longer seem so dark and cruel, the offender - rude and heartless, and those around you - indifferent and ruthless.
Religion for Forgiveness
There are words in the Bible about loving your enemies and thanking them for the evil deeds they do. Christian preachers teach that the one who strikes on the cheek should also offer the other cheek for the blow, and the one who takes away the outer clothing should also give the shirt. At first glance it seems that these sayings are reckless. How can one not resist blows and thank one's enemies for beatings? But it seems nonsense only at first glance. It is important for a person to learn to forgive others in order to preserve their own health. An offended, upset, angry person is in a state of tension, constantly scrolling in his head the details of the quarrel and possible ways of revenge. negative thoughts deprive him of the joy of life. Having forgiven his offenders, he finds peace and tranquility. No more pain and suffering. You can move on and do good deeds. Life is already too short to waste it on such trifles as scandals and quarrels.
Why think about how to forgive an offense? Mother and father should not be offended at all. These are the people whose love for children is immeasurable. As for the enemies, here many people may have such questions: “Why should I forgive my enemy? Why do him good? Because he doesn't deserve it." There is a wonderful passage in the Bible that says, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, then give him a drink: for by doing this you are heaping burning coals on his head.” These words have a deep meaning. You cannot defeat evil with evil. Bad things can only be eradicated with good. And then, how to know, maybe your worst enemy will become your best friend. No wonder they say: "From hate to love - only one step." The Bible will tell you the answer to the question of how to learn to forgive offenses. Try to be a true Christian and follow all the commandments set forth in it. Then in your life there will be no place for resentment, hatred, revenge.
Prayer for forgiveness of enemies
When it becomes especially difficult for us, we turn to God for help. And it is not at all necessary to know certain prayers here. You can express in your own words what lies like a stone on our soul, and ask the Almighty for salvation. The answer to the question of how to forgive and let go is clear. We need to open and read the Bible more often, follow the commandments given in it. The Lord teaches us that we need to love our neighbor as ourselves, no matter what, that we should forgive our enemies, no matter what offense they inflict on us. This is necessary, first of all, to the most offended.
And a prayer with which you can turn to God can be like this:
“Lord, our father, I ask you, give me the strength to forgive the people who offended me. You, the Merciful, taught us: “Love your enemies. Bless all who curse you. Do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who offend and persecute you." Give me the strength of my soul to forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. Help me to reconcile with those who offended me in my soul. Let me find the joy of forgiveness."
You need to repeat this every day. And then you will no longer have questions about how to forgive the offense. Prayer saves from empty experiences and anxiety.
How to forgive a loved one and let go?
How many tears are shed when love leaves! It is very difficult after this to forget the betrayal of the second half and start life anew. It is especially hard for women in such situations.
These tips will teach them how to forgive a man for an offense, let him go and start life from scratch:
Give him all his things, remove all joint photos so that nothing reminds you of him;
Take a two-week vacation and fly to warm countries to relax;
Try not to isolate yourself, go to the cinema, cafes, clubs, somewhere where there are a lot of people, where life is in full swing;
Call for help best friend, speak out to her, cry, you will immediately feel better;
Write on a piece of paper all the shortcomings of your former lover, remembering all the bad things that are connected with him, tear up the sheet and mentally say goodbye to this "scoundrel".
Aphorisms of famous people about forgiveness
To be offended is common to all people. It is curious what famous people say about this negative feeling.
Oscar Wilde: The best way piss off your enemies - forgive them.
Thomas Szas: "A stupid person does not forget and does not forgive, a naive person both forgets and forgives, a smart person forgives, but does not forget."
William Blake: "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend."
Johann Schiller: "Forgiveness is stronger than all victories."
Gilbert Chesterton: "A haughty apology is another insult."
Henri de Monterlant: “There are people to whom we forgive everything, and there are people to whom we do not forgive anything. Those to whom we do not forgive anything are our friends.”
Jean Paul: "A person is beautiful when he forgives himself or asks for forgiveness from another."
George Halifax: "Conscience and memory always diverge as to whether wrongs should be forgiven."
We found out the reasons why some people try to humiliate and insult others, and also looked at several ways to forgive an insult.
“When we are mistreated, we must not allow this resentment to accumulate and affect us”
Robert Enright, Ph.D. and pioneer in the study of the process of forgiveness from a scientific point of view.
We have all experienced betrayal or bad treatment from others: betrayal of a spouse, neglect of a partner, lies of friends, ridicule of elders - the list is endless.
All these events hurt us then and the memories of them continue to hurt us to this day.
Our emotions
Each person has their own reaction to the offensive actions of others. Some hope that the situation will resolve itself, some do not react at all, and some find it difficult to forget this and move on.
The emotions that a bad attitude of others causes in us are inherent in our psyche. The reason we find it hard to move away from a bad relationship is that our brains create memories in direct proportion to our emotional arousal.
It is by this principle that the brain reacts to negative events, for example, to the bad attitude of others or emotional trauma. Therefore, for a very long time we cannot get rid of negative emotions caused by the offensive actions of others, namely, anxiety, depression, fear, insomnia, etc.
If you are experiencing any of the above, your mental health needs to be able to deal with it. This will take time and effort, but over time, you will feel much better mentally.
The power of forgiveness and why it is sometimes so difficult for us to forgive
Forgiveness is perhaps the only thing that can save us from the pain that others have caused.
To forgive a person does not mean to forget or justify all his bad deeds and continue to live on.
To forgive means to make a choice and let go of the desire to punish the offender or yourself.
Forgiveness is our choice. The problem is that even with this realization, it can be difficult for us to truly forgive a person.
Why it happens? The reason for everything is our emotions, as well as the fact that we tend to justify everything logically. Remember, you are not responsible for the actions of others.
However, you are responsible for your actions, thoughts and emotions.
You yourself are responsible for forgiving and, more importantly, you are responsible for your own happiness and inner peace.
How can I forgive?
As Dr. Enright explains, we should use a 4-phase model to help us forgive ourselves or others.
Realize that you can forgive
In order to begin our path to forgiveness, we need to realize that we can forgive. At a minimum, accept the fact that forgiveness is acceptable solution our problem.
Make the choice to forgive
“A person cannot be forced to forgive. It seems to me that it is extremely important that a person makes this choice himself. ”, says Enright.
As mentioned earlier, forgiveness does not mean forgetting or justifying the actions of the offender. When you realize this, and that forgiveness can positively affect your emotions, you will be one step closer to truly forgiving.
make a list
You will need to make a list of all the people since childhood who hurt you. After the list is ready, arrange all the people in a certain order: at the beginning of the list will be those who offended you the most, and so on in descending order.
Start at the bottom of the list, forgive your offenders, and gradually move up.
Don't rush, deal with your emotions. You will know when you are ready to take the next step.
Don't hold onto anger
“This step is a kind of survey for you. Answer the following questions: How do you deal with anger? Are you in denial that you're angry? Are you actually more angry than you thought? What are the physical consequences of being angry?
Dr. Enright also emphasizes, "Once you see how rage affects you, the question will be: Do you want to get rid of it?"
Set yourself a goal
“After you have completed the first phase and seen how all this anger inside you does not allow you to be happy, you yourself set a goal for yourself to forgive the offender,” Enright explains.
Think about your abuser
This is where our work on forgiveness begins. You will need to take a fresh look at the person who offended you. Was he in pain? If so, maybe that's why he offended you.
Remember that your abuser is a person just like you.
“You were both born into this world, you both will die, you are both flesh and blood, and you both have unique DNA. There will never be another like you in the world. Think about it, your abuser can be just as special, unique and irreplaceable as you are,” says Enright.
Soften your heart
Intentionally or not, your abuser has made you heartless to some extent by their actions. Following Dr. Enright's advice, you will begin to feel all that unhealthy anger coming out of you.
Accept your pain
It is natural to feel strong emotions at this moment. You will feel pain, but it is thanks to it that we will be able to move on.
“This pain will help us raise our self-esteem. If you could see humanity in someone who did not want to see it in you, you are much stronger than you yourself thought.
Realize
“Usually we understand more those around us who are suffering. For example, we are more forgiving of people who are having a bad day. We understand the pain of others and want to radiate goodness ourselves,” explains Enright.
When our pain passes, there comes a certain period of awareness. We realize that we have become stronger and happier.
Repeat the whole process
Remember where we started? After some time, we will need to go back to the beginning and go through all the steps again.
You will be able to forgive your offenders faster than you thought and, as a result, become happier and stronger.
Article Translation - Psychologists Explain How to Truly Forgive Someone And Let Go via Kluber
Can you remember a time when you actually said to someone, “I forgive you”? Forgiving another person who has harmed you is not always easy. Forgetting that he hurt you will be even harder. In this article, we will look at how to forgive and forget resentments for your own well-being and mental health.
In life, it can be helpful to deal with pain and anger so that you can move on! When you stop, get angry, or get upset, it doesn't hurt your bullies as much as you hurt yourself when you hold on to something that hurts you.
When someone hurts you, it's best to try to forgive that person and eventually forget what happened, even though you'll never actually forget (as a fact) that they once hurt you.
How to forgive someone? This means "letting go" of your resentment and discontent towards this person. Only then can we be okay, at least with ourselves. The ability to forgive is crucial to resolving relationships and clearing your mind.
Why should we forgive someone?
When we think about how to forgive someone who has hurt us, we often feel like we are "letting them off the hook." This limiting belief interferes with our healing.
We don't necessarily forgive that person for their own good. Instead, we are going to do so because we can get relief. The purpose of forgiving others is not that they may be like " Blank sheet(we are not God!!!), but that we be cleansed.
Remember that you will have some anger in your life (which comes naturally). But the problem arises when you do not let it go, but carry it in yourself and “boil” in it.
Look at the situation like this: everyone makes mistakes in this life. We are all human and sometimes we act selfishly. Try to present the situation as a "mistake". It is important to remember that none of us are perfect, and if we made the same mistake, would we want forgiveness? Have you ever caused pain to someone unintentionally? Was your mistake so terrible that you could not hope for forgiveness? Putting yourself in the shoes of someone who hurt you can be difficult, but it can help you see the other side of the situation more clearly and find a way to forgive those who hurt you.
How to Forgive Truly: Steps to Freedom
Here are the keys to effective forgiveness that will teach you how to forgive the people who hurt you. These tips will help you move from pain to freedom and a healthy life.
- Step 1 - Recognizing the Pain
The first step in learning how to forgive is to acknowledge the fact that you have been hurt. Some of us have big egos that may need to be worked on because we don't want to admit that we've been hurt, or that we might be hurt at all. Awareness of pain and resentment is already the first step in the beginning of the process of forgiveness.
What to do if the person who did bad things to you no longer lives? What to do if you were offended 20 or 30 years ago? Even if this person is not available to you now (for whatever reason) to discuss the situation, this does not relieve you of forgiving him.
Forgiveness is not the denial of resentment. We must admit that this really happened. To deny that you are offended (or offended) means that it is too painful for you to work with emotions. Once this recognition is done, we can move on to the next step.
- Step 2 - Don't expect an apology
Even if the person never apologizes for what happened, decide within yourself that it's okay to move on with your life and work without those apologies. Apologies should not be seen as permission to forgive. Even without apologizing, set your mind to forgive, forget, and let go. You make the decision to forgive someone for your own good. If you really decide to forgive them, then you are already halfway to recovery.
You are about to release the other from their "debts" to you. You felt resentment and anger at how badly you were treated, and you felt that they now owe you - they owe you the same amount (that they may never be able to repay you). This is exactly what you are going to release.
How to truly forgive? In essence, you might say to yourself, “They don't owe me anything. I forgive their debts. They hurt me, but God will deal with them on His terms. I release it from my hands."
In the same situation, if a person still comes to you for forgiveness - give him a chance to apologize. While you may be angry and not want to listen to someone who hurt you, it's important to get an apology from them. Let him apologize to you for the damage he caused. This will help you start your healing. Perhaps you will see that the blame for the situation lies partly on you. Before you can allow that person back into your life, you must be able to forgive yourself. This is probably the most difficult step in the process because you have to be completely honest with yourself.
Try to be open and listen carefully to the explanations of what happened. Understanding the causes can often give a clear picture of what happened. Questions will also help. Tell the person that you are hurting, that you have questions and want an honest answer to them. Listen to the answers you get, and if they're not good enough for you, say you want to know more. Understanding why someone hurt you can help you deal with the pain and forgive that person.
- Step 3 - Forgive and be patient
Make a conscious decision to forgive someone for something.
Conventional wisdom might say that if you don't tell the person that you have forgiven them, then you really didn't. This is simply not true. Remember, we forgive for our good, not theirs. It is possible to forgive someone without even letting them know about it. Forgiveness is between you and God.
This is a release from your personal grievances. Others don't need to know about it. You do not have to tell the person that you have forgiven him, but you must sincerely release that person from your debt. If you believe in Higher power, let it go. Open yourself to the thought that justice will be done differently. If you are inclined to prayer, pray for them. Pray that they may live a better life.
It may take some time for your pain to go away. You cannot expect pain to disappear the moment you say "I forgive you." Be patient. You have made the decision to forgive, and your feelings will change over time.
If you still find it difficult to forgive someone, then seek help. Talk to a spiritual guide or someone else you trust. Pour out your feelings to them and get help from them. But don't continue to carry the heavy burden of resentment. You deserve to be happy.
- Step 4 - Set up limits for another
Once you've forgiven someone, it can be difficult to let that person come back into your life completely. Not everyone who forgives reconciles with the person who hurt them. There are relationships that are "toxic" and even physically dangerous. If someone is dangerous then be ready around them.
While it's possible to forgive the person and move on, it can also mean that the person can no longer play an active role in your life. After the forgiveness process, your emotional and physical safety is very important.
Once you have forgiven, you can set limits. For example, take a promise from another that he will not hurt you. If he truly accepts this, you will allow him to come back into your life. Let it happen step by step. You can start by letting him talk on the phone only once or twice a week.
Later on, you can meet periodically for short periods of time. Give the other time. Tell the person who hurt you that you need space. Explain that it will take you a little longer to learn to forgive and forget. It's hard to think clearly when the person who hurt you is always around you.
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Time and space are essential for our healing. Try to take this time to find out how much you've really learned about how to forgive and forget. Remember that nothing is more terrible than when we cannot forgive and let go of the pain. Even if you've been hurt so badly that you can't talk to them again, it's still important to forgive... for your own mental health. Time, as they say, heals all wounds.
How to forgive an offense?- the question itself suggests that we intuitively understand that this is better for our physical and emotional state. Forgive, let go, no longer think ... Do not invest your energy in a generally ineffective business.
Don't accept any negativity. Until you accept it, it belongs to the one who brought it.
How to forgive an offense is a difficult question. People are all different and everyone has different grievances, and the ways to “forgive the offense” will also be different.
In this article, we will consider them.
We all take offense: we take offense at others (most often at our loved ones), at fate, at ourselves.
There is even an expression offended all over the world". Someone easily lets go of grievances, someone remembers all his life. We all know perfectly well how resentment affects our health, well-being, and mood.
Sometimes you want to stop being offended, but somehow it doesn’t work out. This pain sits there inside and that's it, especially if you begin to recall other insults (and we often do this purely automatically).
Resentment - what is it, its origins
Let's start with the fact that resentment is the experience of self-pity and anger towards the offender, condemning him.
Resentment is born in childhood. Babies have feelings, not resentments. Resentment child learns in preschool age. Remember how small children usually say: “Then I will be offended by you.” They learn to be offended if someone does not do what they want. Although they are not offended, so far they just say it.
Resentment is just a learned reaction. When we are kids, our parents decide everything for us. We just don’t have enough (attention, toys, etc.) Resentment - good remedy for . Getting what you want, bypassing the interests of another person. One is offended, the other feels guilty. Often people use it all their lives.
Resentment arises if our expectations do not match reality, everything did not happen the way you wanted, you did not hear what you would like. And others offend us because their expectations of our actions or words do not match what they expected.
Injustice and resentment
Human life is generally one continuous continuous injustice. Whatever World you are born in, you can be sure: there will be enough injustices for your lifetime, if only there was a desire to look for them!
Max Fry.
Resentment is often associated with such a concept as injustice. We often get offended by what seems unfair to us. Why did they yell at me? Why did they do this to me? Why am I worse than him?
But there is more outrage than resentment here.
Let's think about whether there is injustice. After all, this is what we came up with ourselves, our thoughts. We decide what is fair and what is not.
Life is what it is. And it is absolutely fair, everyone gets what he deserves, what is needed for his development.
Think, is there any injustice in nature? Everything negative that happens to us, we create ourselves, with our wrong understanding of life and actions. It's all just our beliefs. If you change your judgments, beliefs, then life begins to treat you differently.
Some will disagree with me, I'm sure. How can this or that be considered fair? But the world is much larger than we know about it, and not everything in it is given to us to understand. And we are talking now not about anger and indignation that injustice causes, but about resentment.
Misunderstanding and resentment
We are offended when the closest people do not understand us. It seems to us that we are not loved, not appreciated, etc. But we are who we are and we have the right to our own opinion.
Why don't they understand you? Because each person has his own idea of the world, of people, of what is right and what is wrong. Do you always understand others? Are you ready to understand them? If it is sometimes so difficult to understand oneself, then how much more difficult it is to understand another! Not always and not everyone we can and, most importantly, we want to understand!
Many things in life need a deeper look, a look from the outside, detached, at least sometimes, from ourselves!
We are especially offended by those who are important to us, whom we love. We sometimes do not pay attention to offensive words in a queue in transport, but we can remember the words of the best friends of a husband, wife, relatives for a very long time. Because these people are important to you, their attitude towards you is important to you. They usually hurt you in the most painful way.
And who do you hate the most? (And don't say that no one has ever taken offense at you!)
With strangers, we still think about whether to say something or not to say it. But with relatives ... Remember what offensive words we sometimes say to each other.
Carefully, .. slowly, choosing words ...
Do not cry in your hearts. Everything is so thin ... and gentle
Before the cruelty of words, the soul is defenseless ...
Do not waste time on evil deeds ...
Without that, a short period, why deliberately reduce it? ..
I beg you, choose your words! ..
Restrained, please speak with restraint...
Carefully, .. do not regret for the lovely warmth ...
Gentle ... let the words, like the soul, be gentle ...
Let the deeds be good, and the road be bright! ..
Temporarily, you understand, we are here with you temporarily ...
Anastasia Laretskaya
Misunderstanding and perception of the situation
After all, sometimes it happens that in fact no one wanted to offend you, you yourself perceived the situation that way.
For example, parents often resent their adult children. But sometimes it doesn’t even occur to children that such an act or word will offend, because they were not in their place.
Often resentment arises when a person seeks to be needed, infringing on his interests, he accumulates fatigue, irritation, and he begins to be offended that he is not appreciated. “I am everything to you, and you!” A person expects the same attitude towards himself.
It happens that a person wants to help someone out of the kindness of his soul, and in return receives offensive words or, conversely, offends another (infringing on his pride)
Never rush to help, do not meddle with advice if no one asked you about it.
Resentment and our internal problems
Sometimes a person is offended by such trifles that it would never occur to another to be offended. Resentment is a reaction to our internal problems. After all, everyone has their own pain points.
Often resentment is a desire for a higher appreciation of you, your actions, achievements. The more internal problems a person has (rejection of himself in something), the easier it is to offend him.
They do not offend us, we offend ourselves by reacting in this way. We simply unconsciously agree with some kind of conditionally bad deed (or judgment) addressed to us.
It is very difficult to admit to ourselves that there are qualities in us that we do not accept in ourselves. And that is why it hurts so much when we are pointed to it.
How to forgive an offense
How to learn to forgive people and let go of resentment?
- First of all, try to calm down and analyze the situation, neutrally, thoughtfully, critically, drawing the right conclusions for yourself. Figure out what you are so strongly hooked and why. Maybe you yourself were to blame for the situation or simply misunderstood it.
- Try to change your attitude to the situation, look at it from the outside, try to understand your offender.
After all, you are not offended by the bad weather that ruined your rest, by the cat that scratched you to the point of blood. You say they have no mind.
But think about the fact that people also offend you, most often without thinking. At this moment, they think about themselves, not about you (someone takes it out on you Bad mood, he needs to let off steam, blame someone, etc.)
Of course, sometimes they can offend in order to hurt someone. Well, you deserve it yourself. Sometimes you provoke this attitude yourself.
What should be done to remove and stop suffering from long-standing grievances too?
- Write all claims on a piece of paper. Ask yourself: What and why am I offended? What can I do to let go of resentment? When the answers are found, write a letter to the offender, not embarrassed in expressions, tell him everything. Then tear up the letter. It will become much easier for you.
- You can use an indirect translation (one of the Simoronian techniques) - we describe the conflict with someone who offended you, then we replace all the pronouns he / she (the offender) with “I”.
- Erasure of resentment (revision according to Castaneda, the technique is based on pulling out the old resentment, looking at it from a new position and letting it go, you can do it many times until it really becomes easier, all in combination with proper breathing).
Remember that no one can offend you if you do not want to accept it and be offended yourself.
- If you are a very touchy person, then it is best to find all your sore points, because you are usually offended by the same thing and work with it. There are enough ways to do this.
And if we want warmth and understanding from other people, we ourselves need to learn to understand others, to accept them as they are. Give your warmth without expecting anything in return.
You already know how to forgive an insult. Treat the world and people in such a way that it makes everyone feel good. And the world will answer you the same.
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