Comic horoscope: how the evil signs of the zodiac behave. Table entertainment for any occasion

20.10.2019

This fun, comic horoscope for today by zodiac signs can be used every day. Open this page daily in the morning, and good mood for the whole day guaranteed in full!

And for everyone who believes in happiness, we recommend reading our happy eastern horoscope by year of birth with the recommendations of poet astrologers. All our serious and funny horoscopes are written especially for the site "Favorite Holiday". Share them with your friends, put links, but respect our authors - do not reprint our horoscopes. Thank you.

Cool boring horoscope for today for Aries

Be active and determined.

First, try to recharge.

So that your labors do not go to waste, remember: if people are valued for their work, then a horse is better than any person.

Cool boring horoscope for today for Taurus

Be careful. Think before you do anything.

Measure seven times and only then cut eight times.

For the seventy-first time, you will succeed.

The stars are not advised to kiss the secretary in the presence of his wife.

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Gemini

New things are waiting for you.

Remember: even the most stupid idea can be masterfully executed.

And don't be afraid to do what you don't know how to do.

After all, the ark was built by amateurs. Professionals built the Titanic.

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Cancer

Life is good ... hic ... Repeat this, spreading red caviar on bread with a thick layer. Or black.

But do not rush to pour vodka.

Remember: alcohol is a time machine.

I drank - and already tomorrow.

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Leo

Talk less, listen more.

It is better to be silent and grunt with pleasure.

Your income will be higher than your expenses. Because there will be no costs at all.

Get a piggy bank and grunt together.

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Virgo

You will be thrown from one extreme to another.

First, the boss will call you on the carpet, and will yell like a flock of crocodiles.

In five minutes, he will offer you a position that you have been seeking for a long time.

Agree!

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Libra

You will be on a horse.

Everyone else, apparently, will have to move on foot.

You may feel out of place.

The stars are advised to break the plate, get off the horse, break the plate, get off the horse and finally change it ... for a bicycle.

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Scorpio

You will have a romantic date.

Enjoy, forget about everything in the world....

When Sveta starts to go home, pretend to be asleep.

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Sagittarius

Your mood will jump.

From the TV to the cabinet, from the cabinet to the table.

Try to catch him anyway.

Hold somewhere in the corner and ask: "Kolis! Who do you work for ?!"

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Capricorn

The sixth sense will not let you down. It will say: "Enough!"

The other five senses will fail.

They will say something awkward, but you will understand them.

Because a Russian person after the fifth glass is able not only to understand Chinese but also forgive him.

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Aquarius

Everything will come easy to you.

Even a visit to the dentist.

At first you will be very afraid. Then it turns out that his drill broke.

But do not relax and remember: if you are happy for more than one day, then something is being hidden from you.

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Cool boring horoscope for today for Pisces

You have a creative upsurge ahead of you.

Stock up on climbing equipment in advance.

Already stocked up? .. Then full speed ahead!

To conquer the next height!... Just don't shout later"

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Aries (March 21 - April 20): Crazy Level - 30%!
If you go to the mountains with someone, then only with Aries. They are avid extreme sportsmen, besides, they will always give a helping hand to their friend. Aries clearly follow their path and achieve the intended. A lot of plans ripen in their head, which sometimes seem absolutely insane. Their courage and perseverance can only be envied!
Taurus (April 21 - May 21): 40% craziness rate!
Stubbornness is the main feature of this sign. Taurus will bring anyone to white heat: it is so important for them to prove their case. This makes them look slightly strange in the eyes of other people. Taurus is comprehensively developed, they have a good heart and iron willpower.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21): Madness Level - 100%!
The craziest sign of the zodiac. Geminis are fickle and frivolous, you never know what they have in store for you today. But you will never get bored with them! They have in store a bunch of incredible stories and tales from life. Only the Twins are capable of reaching a completely reckless denouement in their adventures.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): 90% crazy rate!
Cancers are notorious for their extreme mood swings. They prefer not to get out of the house, but if they break into a nightclub, beware. It is they who, in a state of intoxication, scribble insane messages to the former. You never know what's on Cancer's mind and it drives you crazy!
Leo (July 23 - August 21): 80% crazy rate!
Representatives of this sign are used to being the center of attention, they love noisy parties and big companies. Lions get drunk quickly, and this loosens their tongue so much that others in their company often have to blush. These people have no brakes, they do not know how to stop in time.
Virgo (August 22 - September 23): 70% craziness!
Virgo tirelessly works on herself, striving for perfection in everything. Control and power are her main passions. These people are capable of doing noble deeds, but they expect recognition for it. Their desire to appear ideal in the eyes of people completely takes possession of them.
Libra (September 24 - October 23): 30% craziness rate!
Libras are obsessed with finding balance in everything. Sometimes they are ready to go to extremes, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Libra will go to any lengths to get the object of his sigh, even gossip.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): 40% craziness rate!
The statement that Scorpios sting unbearably painfully is true. Of course, they have no equal in resourcefulness and insight, but this still does not brighten up their shortcomings. Scorpio is the most sensual sign of the zodiac, he is a master of beautiful courtship and romantic gestures. His sexual energy is overflowing, so few people manage to cope with this raging stream of passion.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22): 50% craziness level!
Sagittarians proudly carry the banner of justice and truth all their lives. And it is better not to interfere with them! Nothing can anger them so much as the restriction of personal freedom. In addition, Sagittarians easily light up with ideas that sometimes blind their minds.
Capricorn (December 23 - January 20): 60% crazy rate!
Capricorns are still workaholics! They take on the most difficult tasks on their shoulders and take on their solution with passion. Capricorns are not averse to showing off their intelligence and professionalism. If they are at the head of any business, you should not expect concessions.
Capricorns stick to their line, even if they're wrong. This feature also applies to personal life: the partner will always be in tight rein. Their madness is to want everything under control.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): 20% craziness rate!
Aquarius is like a crazy professor who is used to living in his illusions. It is very easy to wrap around your finger, and people are used to using it. That is why this zodiac sign often becomes a victim of scammers, and simply those who are looking for easy prey.
Pisces (February 20 - March 20): Insanity Level - 10%!
Pisces are the least crazy of the other zodiac signs. They are calm and peaceful, you can always rely on them. Pisces are ready to sacrifice their interests just to brighten up someone's loneliness. These character traits make them the most reasonable, wise and empathetic.

Each holiday is good and interesting in its own way. But usually at any holiday it all comes down to the fact that almost 99% of the attention is paid to the hero of the occasion: the hero of the day or the newlyweds or the birthday man. But what about the guests? They came to have fun and have fun! We have not forgotten about them, and have prepared an interesting game block: a comic astrological forecast for guests on the anniversary. This forecast can be presented in different ways. The most obvious option is the exit of an astrologer who reads out his forecast for each guest or zodiac sign. A gypsy can also come out, but then questions arise - why is a gypsy so smart that she understands astrology? Therefore, a gypsy in such a block would not be very appropriate. The third option is to read astrological forecast the leader himself. This is in case there is no way to make a scene with dressing up. There may be other options, but they are not so obvious. How to show this number is up to you. Below we will provide you with some joke predictions that you can use on anniversaries.

Comic horoscope 1.
The first version of the comic horoscope is written by the guests themselves. Everything is quite simple, but interesting. Everyone knows the game called - missed adjectives. And in this game, we will skip the names of the guests. You need to come up with a prediction that doesn't have names. Then, at the celebration, you ask the hero of the day to name in turn the names of all the guests who are present at the celebration. And enter the names in the forecast in turn. Next, read what happened.
An example of an email with omitted guest names:

“Today (the date of the anniversary, the stars predict us a great festive evening! It will end differently for everyone, but everyone will be happy. At 19 o’clock, Jupiter will eclipse the sun and at this time (guest’s name) will go to rest under the table. Two minutes later, when the sun will come out from under the shadow of Jupiter (guest's name) will join the rest under the table.
At 19.25 the moon will appear in the sky. At the same minute (guest's name) with the words - I'm going to sleep! - falls face down in a plate of salad. When the Ursa Minor appears in the sky, then (guest name) will start looking for a warm place to rest and will find it on a large and cozy chest (guest name).
As soon as the clock strikes 20 o'clock, a musical pause will begin. And (guest name) will be the first to enter the dance floor and show a master class. After his dance (guest name) shouting - Bravo! - will run out onto the stage and arrange a wild dance with striptease elements. When (guest's name) sees this, he will scream - my God! This is the best thing I have ever seen in my life!
In twenty minutes. When the big bear appears in the sky, the dancing guests will calm down and sit down in their seats. At the same time, (guest's name) will shout loudly - I demand the continuation of the banquet! - he will drink a glass of vodka and gently lay his head on the table, as if on a pillow.
The evening will end with the fact that all the stars will appear in the sky, and under their influence (guest's name), together with (guest's name), they will sing a duet song - Mom Lyuda, come on, come on, come on! And the rest of the guests will shoot them on their phones to show the clip tomorrow morning and mock them!”

Here's an option you can try. You can change the text or create your own. It is important to remember here that all people are different, and if you know that someone may be offended, then it is better not to enter his name in the forecast.

Comic forecast 2.
The next forecast for guests is the morning after the holiday. This forecast is called - a hangover forecast!

And so, dear guests! A moment of attention. Today we all walk and have fun. But none of you thinks about the consequences, does not think about what will happen tomorrow morning with each of you. But our astrologer already knows everything, and will tell you about what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning.
Aries - the morning will start very badly for you. Approaching the mirror, you will see that your rounded horns have straightened out and prevent you from passing through the doors.
Taurus - do not think that if you drank activated charcoal before the holiday, then everything will be fine with you. You will still see this coal, and you will understand that everything is very bad.
Gemini - don't be surprised, but in the morning you will wake up with a person who looks exactly like you!
Crayfish - and you will learn to quickly crawl backwards from each glass, remembering tonight and your cries - pour, drink!
Lions - in the morning you will let out such a roar that the neighbors each neighbor will bring you bottles of cold mineral water.
Virgo - do not go to the mirror in the morning. Otherwise, you risk not recognizing yourself and fainting out of fear.
Libra - tomorrow morning will begin with the fact that you will weigh and figure out how much a normal person can drink, and how much you drank.
Scorpio - as soon as you wake up, immediately hangover. Otherwise, you will sting everyone all day with your sting.
Sagittarius - it is better to leave money in advance for tomorrow. Otherwise, you will shoot them at passers-by on a hangover.
Capricorns - in the morning a surprise awaits you - you will have new horns.
Aquarius - in the morning you will have guests who want to continue the banquet with you.
Pisces - and you will be ashamed of tonight and your behavior. All tomorrow you will be silent like a fish.

Horoscope 3.
And this horoscope is the shortest in the world! But this makes it even funnier and the guests will definitely like it. And so, let's look:

Horoscope 4.
And this is a rather bold horoscope, it is erotic! But nevertheless funny and the guests will like it. To make this horoscope go with a bang. Do this:
- name the sign of the zodiac and guests under this sign come to you. Romantic music turns on, they dance, and then you read out the horoscope:

Horoscope 5.
And another horoscope - alcohol!
The same can be done in a special way. You name the sign of the zodiac and the guests under this sign get up. They pour glasses and you read their horoscope, after which these guests drink. It turns out interesting and funny:
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The plant was also a provocateur. This is exactly the one scary man, who takes half the office to the bar on Fridays, and then the frightened wives and husbands of his colleagues catch the latter in parks, other people's apartments or the next bar in a row. What about Aries? But nothing - it was his business to start and quit, and if they got so wound up - that's their problem)

“Where have you taken us, Susanin the hero? - Leave me alone guys, I'm here for the first time .... - a situation typical of Aries, especially when traveling, on vacation and on vacation. Moreover, Aries often leaves the situation to others to get out of the situation, saying that he is sick / tired / suddenly stupefied, etc.

Aries, by the way, is one of those who considers the “I was drunk” argument to be quite weighty and understandable for most “normal people”, and interestingly, he is often excused for this, although then they think for a long time - what prompted it?

It's simple - childish spontaneity. For this, you will forgive Aries everything - and the fact that he brought you to the wrong place or at the wrong time, disappeared, got drunk, brought you strangers or even forgot you at the station at the beginning of the journey)

But then, having got out of all these stories, you will remember the antics of Aries with pleasure, especially when 10 years have passed and you will be sitting by the warm stove in complete safety. After all, you will always have something to remember if you have ever rested in the company of Aries. It doesn't matter if he was there or not.

Taurus

Well, for starters, you can’t just relax. Before that, it is necessary to work hard to the seventh sweat, present labor achievements in expanded form to yourself, colleagues, relatives, the Lord God and in general to everyone who gets caught), so that the whole world knows that Taurus has earned his rest and has the right to it!

But then the question of preparation for the rest arises. And even if it's just a day off - you need to think over the menu, choose the appropriate music / movies / book, finally change the curtains (and at the same time wash the windows, change the linen, rewash everything), raise everyone's mood (to yourself too), then aaaa .... If time and energy remain

With his ceremoniousness, Taurus can bring to white heat everyone who, together with him, tuned in to rest. “It’s better not to put shoes there, there is a special spoon for this dish, be sure to pass the fruit dish to your neighbor, oh, you crumpled the tablecloth, I’ll fix it right now,” etc. In general, if you live with Taurus, sometimes it’s easier to close yourself in the bathroom for relaxation. Then you can already behave indecently at your pleasure)

Holidays and celebrations Taurus begin to plan ahead of time. After all, you need to take everything into account: think over the menu .... (in general, you already understood, I think). But if it comes to vacation at all, then I assure you, it will be the best and highest quality vacation in the entire Zodiac! But sometimes it happens like in that joke about two Estonians: “- A good holiday New Year, Yes?" - "Yes, but intercourse is better" - "Yes, but the New Year is more often")

Twins

In general, if you want to go somewhere or go somewhere, then it’s better not to argue with them, but delicately drag them by the hand in the direction you need. All the same, it will not be ideal, but to admit that their life is not ideal - Libra will not want to, and therefore they will try to pass off the real as ideal and honestly rejoice at it)

Scorpion

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Comic horoscopes cheer up, but they also contain some truth. Find out what life principles are characteristic of your Zodiac Sign. Among the fun offers you can find useful information and change for the better.

Horoscopes, no matter how comic they are, are based on the observations of astrologers. It is known that planets and constellations influence the nature and behavior of people, which means that the jokes are not so far from the truth. The site site team has compiled a funny horoscope for you, in which the characteristics of each Zodiac Sign fit into short and capacious expressions. We hope that they will help you not only cheer up, but also get rid of your weaknesses.

Aries

Aries can describe themselves. Capacious phrases fully reflect their contradictory and purposeful nature.

It's useless to argue with me. You won't redirect me.
I will do it first, and then I will think.
I don't slow down where everyone slows down.
I'll stay young forever, because it's boring to become an adult.
You can do the same as me. You still can't do better.
Please speak faster. I don't have the patience to listen to you.
My stubbornness is not a vice, it was simply born ahead of me.
It is much easier to control any situation than emotions.
I won't hit you first, but you'd better not touch me.
It's good to be honest - unnecessary people themselves stop communicating with me.

Taurus

If Taurus could characterize themselves in a joking manner, they could use the following phrases.

You never feel sorry for money for buying things, but always for entertainment.
I don't need someone else's, and don't you dare touch mine.
It is better to be bad friends than to quarrel kindly.
It is better to stay in the usual comfort of four walls than to admire the colors of nature.
Food is a wonderful invention of mankind.
It is better to go second to save energy.
Taste delicious food and guilt is my addiction.
Be gentle and then you can achieve more than the rest.
No need to pull someone who is well settled.
Disposable things were invented for disposable people.

Twins

Ten capacious phrases that reveal their character and demeanor are suitable for restless Gemini.

Today I am not the same as I was yesterday.
It is useful to own the situation - you get more information.
One mind is good, but two is better. Especially if both belong to you.
Today I am here, tomorrow I am there.
Ideas should not gather dust on the shelves with old books.
If you didn't make it, then you're late. Need to speed up.
You need to move quickly through life so as not to get bogged down in “textures”.
I rarely answer for my words, but with humor.
There is not enough time for quality, so I take quantity.
There should be more means of communication.

Crayfish

Cancerians will be able to recognize themselves and their manner of behavior by the following interesting phrases, which in a playful way reflect their style of behavior.

Life is hard only where it is impossible to hide in a secluded place.
Per stone walls With my fortress I am invulnerable to the cruel world.
Stocks need to be replenished so that they never run out.
Being a babysitter is great. It doesn't matter how old your ward is.
If you know how to wait, happiness will eventually find you on its own.
You need to meet friends at home, and not walk around cafes.
The abundance of food in the refrigerator is a real happiness.
Money should only be spent on quality items.
My past is always with me. And it doesn't bother me at all.
Ten years is not a long time for good clothes.

a lion

Proud Leos do not always agree with the characteristics that people around them give them. However, in every joke there is some truth, which is worth listening to.

It is much more pleasant to help people than to be in the role of asking for help.
Follow me, I know the right way.
Good manners are the key to personal success.
The sun shines exclusively for Leo.
It's nice to make good money, but it's much nicer to spend it.
A dictator sometimes needs to be hidden behind a mask of prudence and benevolence.
I don't understand how you can not admire me.
I need more gold, more pathos and more admiring glances.
Even if the thing is not needed, I must have it. Especially if it is expensive and looks chic.
The sign on my office door must be spotless.

Virgo

Virgos sometimes need to look at themselves from the outside in order to change their attitude to life. Ten humorous phrases will help you with this.

If you work hard, you will surely come out of it.
All things should be in their places.
Modesty adorns any Virgo.
Logic should be in everything, even in love.
Everything must look perfect. No crooked paintings.
You need to live not only for yourself, but also in order to help others.
Large scales are frightening - it is difficult to put things in order in them.
Beauty will save the world, especially if you create it with your own hands
Throwing away old things is not necessary. They can come in handy at the most unexpected moment.
Less hassle, more routine.

scales

For Libra, the following statements may be familiar. Perhaps they will help you to doubt less and change your behavior for the better.

Any business must be done with the appropriate mood.
You can win by agreeing.
Making a choice is one of the most difficult and tiring activities.
Kindness can move mountains.
Beauty should be in everything: in the image, in the house, and in the workplace.
Information is needed like air.
Laziness is the engine of progress.
One of the dumbest things to do is argue. It takes too much energy.
Doubt sometimes helps to avoid trouble.
Not all i's need to be dotted.

Scorpion

If Scorpions could talk about themselves in capacious short phrases, then the following expressions would suit them.

You need a good reason to smile.
It is a pity that sometimes there is no one to "sting".
This world lacks knights.
I'm like a cactus: flowers open only for the elite.
Revenge should be served cold, but only to those who really deserve it.
Even if there is a hurricane inside you, remain outwardly calm.
The world needs stations to fill people with emotions.
You need to go to the breach, even through the windbreak.
People are like books: you just have to open them.
You need to take risks constantly, otherwise there will be nothing to remember in old age.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius could make a presentation of themselves and their character in the following humorous terms.

Remorse is experienced by those who have it. Mine doesn't bite.
It makes no sense to panic ahead of time, I’ll figure it out when it “presses.
The spirit of competition allows you to be better in everything.
Do you want to cheer yourself up? Ask me how.
I forgive everyone I owe.
An argument is another opportunity to show off your intellect.
I'm not obligatory, but immensely charming.
I hang noodles on my ears for free and professionally.
I know how to become a philosopher in five minutes.
Commitment saves more than one life.

Capricorn

For Capricorns, which people may not understand, the site's experts have selected the following funny sayings. We hope that they will help to cheer you up and smile more often.

Even one in the field can be a warrior.
The laws of meanness work for me.
I'm like cognac: I only get better with age.
It is good to talk about beautiful places and countries while sitting at home.
Financial advisor. Long, expensive, with a guarantee.
You can afford to spit down from the top if you climb it all your life.
Life is a train that stops at its stations exactly according to the schedule.
If necessary, I can become the head of the universe
There is no place for sprints in my life. I am a true marathon runner.
Stubbornness can "gore" anyone.

Aquarius

The ten sentences that characterize Gemini may seem naive, but for many representatives of this Sign they can be useful.

There is no greater boredom than being like others.
I create my own ideas.
Living with prejudices is the lot of fools.
Everything will be great in the future.
To be an angel? Why not?
Sometimes a good intention is enough. It is not necessary to perform it.
Family is great, but friends are more important.
There are no lonely thoughts in my head. They are friends and create chaos.
I can be in several places at the same time, because good man there should be a lot.
There should be stops in life, not safe harbors.

Fishes

Pisces, with their world of illusions and unwillingness to explain their behavior, can use the following succinct phrases.

My profession is professional sympathy.
There is no point putting off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I can promise. I love, I know, I practice. But I won't be in a hurry to do it.
I understand everyone, but not myself.
Don't pressure me or I'll disappear.
Yes, I'm busy, only what, few can understand.
We need more handkerchiefs and vest people.
Food needs to be chewed, work needs to be done.
Maintain order in the house - who needs it?
The world of illusions and fantasies is beautiful. There is no need to leave him for a long time.

A comic horoscope can reflect your inner state. In any case, even funny statements about your Sign should not be ignored. Be careful in your actions and desires so that there is no place for disappointment in your life. Attract good luck and be happy. We wish you all the best and don't forget to press the buttons and