Don't marry reasons. Why do not marry smart and beautiful

Ecology of life. Psychology: I recently had a client who just celebrated her 10th anniversary with her man...

I recently had a client who had just celebrated her 10th anniversary with her man. She did not look very happy and I decided to ask her a few questions.

From her story, it became clear that she had been living with a man for many years and still did not understand the nature of their relationship. Events in her life are repeated with amazing regularity and constancy, but in general, almost nothing happens.

A few words about men's fears

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Let's look at the main stages of this "relationship" for now, just for fun.

1. Every year on my client's birthday, a man solemnly promises to propose to her and get married.

2. Each time this event is postponed under typical pretexts:

a) no money ("... And a wedding is such an event that you need to remember forever ...");

b) a lot of work ("... And right now you need to give your best in order to live comfortably later...");

c) not sure about you as in the wife and mother of the unborn child

After such an argument (especially point "c"), the client leaves for a month or two, trying to find an alternative and somehow change her life, this leads to:

• increased activity of a man,
• meetings,
• gifts,
• forgiveness.

Moving... Then everything goes back to the beginning...

Every year, on my client's birthday...

For many years of relationship, my client was so tired of such cycles that she was actually ready to put up with what was happening, if not for one "but".

She really wanted children. From him. Married.

The most interesting thing in this story is that for the last 3-4 years, a 35-year-old woman already clearly understood the unfulfillment of her dream, but she could not leave.

Now it is quite logical of you to ask the question: "What does this woman actually want?"

I answer - she wants to understand her life and understand what needs to be done!

To begin with, we recognize that both partners influence the relationship, and to say that he is the aggressor in these relationships, and she is the unfortunate victim, is clearly not justified.

Influence can be either active or passive. Active influence is manifested in the actions of the person himself, passive influence - in inaction or incomprehensible, contradictory actions.

And now let's analyze the motives of each person from this pair.

I don't know about you, but me the man's motives are clear enough. First of all, he doesn't want to change anything. What for? Everything suits him! Over 10 years of relationship, he clearly learned that the failure to fulfill his promises does not change anything, and therefore he regularly gives them and just as regularly breaks them.

The excuses that the man uses sound so convincing that if they were not repeated regularly year after year, they could pass for the pure truth. Although, if you look, then they also have something suspicious.

Let's appreciate the guy's talent together:

1. There is no money for a good wedding. No matter how good your wedding is, it is just a formality compared to the changes in your life that will come after this wedding. Either we admit it, and then money is not a fundamental obstacle, or we do not recognize it, and then we are forced to admit that the wedding does not change anything, we simply do not need it, and we do not want to change anything.

2. A lot of work. A seemingly strong and harmless argument is actually a very toxic excuse. The fact is that there is always either a lot of work, or almost none. Either waiting or time pressure. This is a normal practice and it should not interfere with your life, and if it interferes, then something needs to be changed.

In addition, I want to note that if work is priority number 1 for you, then it is better to tell your partner / partner about it right away, and not pull this joker out of your sleeve under the appropriate circumstances.

3. Not sure about you as a wife and mother of an unborn child. This is an argument so an argument! Not only is this a very cruel statement of a clearly provocative nature, it is also absolutely false and illogical.

Judge for yourself - for eleven months a year he was sure of her, and only when it came to the wedding "monstrous doubts" arose in his head ... I don’t believe it and I don’t advise you.

Now that we have dealt with the main argument, let's think about What is really driving this man? My opinion -he's just scared.

Below is a list of the main men's fears associated with relationships.

If you have noticed, the fears presented in the diagram are quite contradictory. On the one hand - the fear of making mistakes, on the other hand - the fear of loneliness. Do you have any associations? I have a tightrope walker. He has been balancing on a tightrope for many years, he has lost the habit (or never got used to it) to the ground and cannot do it any other way.

How do you like this thesis: one partner's fears reinforce the other partner's fears.

Example? Easily.

Imagine that a woman has a fear of disappointment. Let us ask ourselves: what is disappointment in general? Everyone knows that these are our unfulfilled expectations.

How does a woman show such fear? Claims, irony, sarcasm, or vice versa - silence, resentment, tears. For us now it is not so important.

Much more interesting is how her partner reacts to her fear (behavior due to the fear of disappointment). Choose one of the four basic fears shown in the picture (see above) and you can't go wrong.

I choose fear of error. Let's see how the fear of making a mistake manifests itself in a man. He becomes more cautious and curtails his activity, unless of course he had one.

In fact, this is manifested by the fact that he is looking for (and finds) excuses for not doing things that he now (under the influence of his fear of error) considers premature.

Such "masculine" behavior increases the woman's fear of disappointment.

Actually everything. The circle is closed. Here it is a typical neurotic partnership where there is neither true intimacy nor healthy perspective.

Which exit? Work with your fears. Each with their own. To risk. To make decisions. Make mistakes, but act.The quality of your life depends on you, not on the partner with whom you live.This may sound harsh to some, but it's true.published . If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .

Why are some women not married? The truth from a psychologist

The mass of women cannot arrange their personal lives in any way. Representatives of the stronger sex either do not pay attention to these ladies, or they are abandoned, or they come across only "bad" men. Why is this happening?

There are many myths about the causes of female loneliness, says psychologist Olga Mshanskaya, but the true reasons are completely different ...

__________
Myth one. Lack of attraction.

It would seem that everything is obvious: a person who is ugly or poorly dressed has little chance of being liked by men.

This is partly true, says the expert. But it's not just about appearance. Take a look: there are as many beautiful, well-groomed, well-dressed women around, but not all of them are married or at least have partners. After all, a man is looking for not just a beauty, but a woman with whom he will be fine. If you act like the "Snow Queen" and wait for some man to melt your ice, then you may not wait until retirement.

In addition, such "superwomen" often simply do not know how to communicate with the opposite sex. All their energy is spent on maintaining their own appearance, and there is no more energy left to build relationships with a man. Relationships are hard work! Rather, a man will stay with an ugly woman who has a "zest" and who will treat him warmly and give him what he wants than with an icy beauty.
_________
Myth two. Mismanagement.

Many of us hear from childhood: "You'll be a slut, no one will marry you!"

Mothers and grandmothers inspire us that in order to attract a man, a woman must certainly be able to cook, do laundry, clean and do other household chores. If this is not done, then the man will leave you.

Men are also different, says Olga Mshanskaya. - And, believe me, the thriftiness of a woman is not a panacea for a failed personal life. There are so many cases when a man abandons such a "cook" and "needlewoman" for the sake of a person who does not shine with any household talents. Simply because he is not interested in a woman-"hostess". If you know how to cook, sew, knit, are not afraid of household chores - that's great. But if at the same time you do not read anything but ladies' magazines, then not every man will be satisfied with such a life partner.
__________
Myth three. Bad character.

Why does a man need a bitch who will constantly nag him? Therefore, if your character is not sugar, there is a chance to remain an old maid.

In fact, says the psychologist, bitch bitch strife. If a woman is distinguished by an absurd disposition, but at the same time she still takes care of a man, attentive to his needs, then next to such a woman he can live his whole life. If she thinks only of herself, and looks at men as a tool for self-affirmation and obtaining some benefits, then such relationships are likely to not last long.
_____________
Myth four. The woman is a bad mistress.

The opinion that men primarily look for sexual virtues in women is quite common.

Sex is not important for all men, says Olga Mshanskaya. - Then, in the sexual life, couples get used to each other and gain experience. If a man left you just because you disappointed him in bed, and went to look for a new lover, then you should think: what kind of life partner will come out of a man who puts sex in the first place?
_________
Myth five. The woman does not love herself.

We often hear: "Love yourself - and others will love you!"

Not everything is so simple, - Olga Mshanskaya believes. - Of course, you need to love yourself, but if at the same time a woman behaves selfishly, does not take into account the needs of other people, this can repel the opposite sex from her. After all, if a woman is fixated on her own well-being, then how can she love someone else? - so men argue and stay away from such ladies.
__________
Myth six. There are no free men.

This is a fairly common excuse that one hears from single women. All the men I know are already busy or for some reason are not suitable for marriage and relationships ...

But after all, those who are now married were once free! However, they chose other women, not you, the psychologist objects. - In addition, there are women who can easily find men at the age of 50, and there are those for whom this is a problem even at 25. So, look for the problem in yourself, and not in the men around you.

If you are constantly alone or relationships with men do not stick, then you should not talk about: “Why am I so good, but nobody needs me ?, or:“ Why are all men bad? ”, Olga Mshanskaya advises. - The problem is definitely in you .Try to change yourself - and personal life, perhaps it will improve.

The desire to get married sooner or later appears in any woman. Some easily fulfill such a desire. Sometimes several times. Others, no matter how hard they try, cannot get married. What is the secret? Why does someone find a husband, while others fail to realize their desire?

The reasons for all life's successes and failures are hidden in the woman herself. All girls and women can be conditionally classified into one of two categories: an absolute wife and a woman in search. Some men "willingly" marry women from the first category. Representatives of the second category usually complain that their don't get married.

Absolute Wife

An absolute wife knows for sure that she must be married. She does not even consider a different development of events. For her, unpromising relationships or one-time meetings simply do not exist. Her female pride does not perceive them.

Finding a husband is the main life task of an absolute wife. Until this goal is achieved, the woman is in constant search. For her it does not matter where to find a husband. She will calmly ask for help from friends, go to a nightclub, meet in the Internet. Not interested in painting, visit an art gallery. It does not matter that she will be unbearably bored there.

Having met a man, she literally "sticks" to him. Makes plans for the future and comes up with the names of children. Showing with all his actions to the man that he has only one choice - to take her to the registry office. Agree, not every man is ready for such decisive action. Usually these women are able to accurately calculate the one who will not "buck up" against such obligations.

After she gets married, such a woman will calmly go about her business. It could be family or work. Most importantly, her female pride will be satisfied and life goal reached. She is married and no longer interested in other men. Although during the search for a husband, such a woman can acquire a large number of fans.

woman in search

A woman in search thinks differently. She is sure that she can live well alone. If you have a loved one, great. BUT don't get married- even better, and it’s not bad to live alone.

Such a woman wants to do her favorite work, not being especially distracted by household chores. She may get bored, constantly seeing a man in the house. Loneliness doesn't bother her. On the contrary, she feels much more comfortable alone.

When meeting with a man, a woman in search is tormented by doubts whether she will later meet another best man. Her female pride does not allow you to be satisfied with the existing relationship. Such a woman, with all her actions and words, shows a man that she constantly compares him with others. Constantly evaluates it according to its "correspondence tables". Those. a man, even offering to marry, cannot avoid comparison with others. Rarely does anyone survive this kind of competition.

Such a woman sees no problem in having a child for herself. And he does not believe that this necessarily requires a husband and marriage.

Fear of relationships with men

An absolute wife is afraid of relationships with different men. It is easier for her to choose one person and adapt to him. Even if the relationship with this man is not perfect, she will rather endure than change something.

A woman in search, on the contrary, is afraid to build a permanent relationship with one man. She is afraid of the long-term nature of such a relationship. She cannot bear the thought that she will be forced to see the same man every day. This is one of the reasons why her don't get married.

You can achieve success in life by gaining victory over your fear. An absolute wife will be able to communicate more easily with her man, to defend her interests. It will also become easier to communicate with men at work / in business. For a woman in search, victory over fear will help her fulfill her desire and successfully marry. Now she will be able to build long-term family relationships.

Did you land on this page by accident?

Many girls dream of getting married, but the marriage proposal never arrives. Desperate, many begin to look for reasons in everything, but it often turns out that the root of all troubles lies in themselves.

Girls striving to create a family often think that their happiness is impossible due to some magical reasons, for example, damage or even a crown of celibacy. Psychologists recommend abandoning such thoughts and understanding what is happening in life. Loneliness is often associated with banal reasons, the elimination of which will help you quickly and forget about troubles.

1. Strong desire to get married

Strong desires often turn into obsessions, and marriage is no exception. Psychologists recommend not to get hung up on how much you want to get married, because in addition to this goal, there are many interesting things in life. It often happens that girls who dream of a ring let go of the situation, and life immediately presents them with a long-awaited surprise in the form of a loving man, ready to start a family.

2. Exaggerated requirements for a life partner

The set of requirements that a girl makes to a potential husband can be scary. It is not surprising that the girls who are waiting for the prince are most often left alone, because you need not only to demand, but also to offer something in return. In such cases, it is worth lowering the bar a little and taking a closer look at your surroundings. There is no need to strive to marry a millionaire, because even an ordinary man can earn good money if you support him and strive together for a better life.

3. Relationship with a married man

Such relationships in rare cases end in marriage, because married men are in no hurry to create families with mistresses. For those who dream of getting married, it is better to pay attention to single gentlemen, who are much more willing to take a responsible step. You should not entertain yourself with illusions and be led by the promises of your married boyfriend, because such men are ready to lie for years about the imminent dissolution of the marriage. In fact, they simply enjoy life, getting everything they need from two women at once.

4. Career

Getting married is problematic for those who devote absolutely all the time to work. Such women scare away men: a potential spouse fears that a woman who is focused on a career will not be interested in the family. It is important to prioritize correctly so as not to be left without a family, but also to completely abandon professional development not worth it - you need a golden mean.

5. Emotions

Many women are too emotional, which scares men away. Others, on the contrary, are used to hiding their feelings and in the eyes of potential suitors look like a kind of stale breadcrumbs. If a girl dreams of happy marriage, she will have to work on herself, and then she will quickly find that one and only who will make her a cherished proposal.

They don’t take her and that’s all - for 4 years he has been luring her, singing about love, eating meatballs, sniffing in his ear at night, but he doesn’t want to marry her, and she’s already 28. He rejected the maiden from the line of brides at 24, and now the stamp is superfluous and children early. She gave him an ultimatum - like get married, otherwise I’ll leave, and he - well, get out ... Who needs a used bride now, and even at so many years of age then?

Yesterday the girl wrote, covered in snot - they lived, as she put it, "in perfect harmony", however, with him. She does not have her own housing in Moscow, but in the Moscow region a three-ruble note, if desired, can be exchanged, but she wanted to move there later when the children would appear. But her plans were not destined to come true, she put on the wrong horse ...

She wrote to me about a month ago for the first time that she did not know how to move him to marriage, because he answered with a firm NO to simple persuasion and suggestions. This is a type of relic, who needs this stamp, everything is fine with them, love does not need any papers.

But her mother pecked out the whole brain of her daughter with questions, when the groom will become a husband and they will give birth to granddaughters. She wound up Tatyana and she began to put pressure on her narrowed roommate even more.

And recently, on the advice of her friends, she delivered an ultimatum to her "beloved" - either to the registry office in a month, or she leaves. And this bugger, as if he was waiting for this, calmly pointed to the door ...

And I always say - cohabitation is beneficial only to men. If he did not marry in the first year, then later the stamp can only be obtained by force, and this is humiliating, agree?

"The stamp does not solve anything" are empty excuses of irresponsible men who do not care about you and your feelings. Loving man it costs nothing to go to the registry office if he understands that this is important for his woman. And in this situation, everything is simple - tired, does not love, samadura is guilty.

She got up, wiped her snot and found someone who would marry and become a good father to children.

I don’t understand at all, girls, do you really have no respect for yourself at all?

How can you not understand that as a concubine you are just a servant who gets into a knee-elbow position in time. After three years, the chemistry of your love evaporates, the man is no longer interested in you. Only a machine gun or an organized bandit group represented by your relatives can force him to make an offer.

In general, to some extent, the girls themselves are to blame - they would not agree to be cohabitants for years, such situations would not arise. At childbearing age, you need to get married officially and have children - this is not discussed.

Only the love of a mother for a child is unconditional, the rest should act in your interests. Right?

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