How can you have a good time with yourself. Be alone with yourself

Essay by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love.

It all started with a conversation at the barbershop. I was cut by a spectacular but sad 28-year-old woman. You know how it happens: you get into a conversation with a stranger, and now you are moving on to personal and important topics.

What do other people talk about with the hairdresser? I am about love and loss.

She told me that on the eve of our session, she got out of a four-year relationship. The reason was fatigue. She was tired of her partner not appreciating her.

She said, "I urgently need to find someone better."

I took her hand (I didn’t expect it from myself) and said very confidently: “Promise me that you will spend at least six months alone with yourself! Promise not to jump into a new relationship without a significant break."

She looked at me with disbelief and said: “But I will be bored with my life. Sitting alone for half a year watching TV like an old maid? What could be worse!”

I know many worse situations. For example, when you find yourself a partner solely out of a desire not to be alone with yourself, and he again - surprise - does not appreciate you. And you stay with him, because being alone is scary.

I told her about my theory: a person's self is created in the practice of being alone with oneself. We are forced to learn to overcome the initial fear of loneliness in order to notice that it, loneliness, not only does not kill us, but is even pleasant and useful in some ways.

I spoke recently with a woman in her early 50s, and she admitted that she did not want to break off relations with her husband. He beats her, but she does not divorce, because "how can I go to a restaurant or a party alone."

Dear friends, at some point we must learn to come to a restaurant or a party alone. Otherwise, we will end up in relationships with random people solely out of fear of being alone with ourselves. We need to be able to tolerate ourselves and not run into relationships. After a while, we can even love ourselves. We may even begin to respect it when we get to know ourselves better.

I tried not to be alone with myself for many, many years. Even for five minutes. I jumped out of some relationships and got stuck in others - it was unbearable to remain in silence. I did not choose who to be with, but methodically filled in the empty spaces in my life.

Remember the book Eat, Pray, Love? While I was writing it, I had to spend some time with myself. On this journey, I heard myself. I then crossed the border, beyond which lay the promise: “I will take care of myself in a way that no partner took care of me. I will listen and take care of myself. I'll show myself amazing Beautiful places peace. I will praise myself and console myself. I will feed myself great food and buy myself amazing books. I will ask myself every day, 'What can I do for you today, dear?'" My relationship with myself turned out to be amazing, although at first I was very afraid to start it.

After a couple of years, I met a partner who treated me with the same care and concern, with the same admiration and love, as I did. Over these two years, I got used to this attitude towards myself. If I had not devoted two years to loneliness then, I would have jumped from one uncomfortable relationship to another now.

You need to give yourself time to figure out what's good for you. But once you've figured it out, you'll never settle for less.

I talked that girl into six months of loneliness. At least six months. We sealed the deal with a handshake. I'm sure she won't be disappointed. Learning to experience momentary fear in order to enter into an adult relationship with yourself - half a year of celibacy is well worth it.

Of course, there are those among us who remain alone with themselves for years. They, on the contrary, have a fear of intimacy, a fear of risking their own freedom. They don't need my advice. But, if you, like me before or like my new hairdresser, could not bear living alone, consider my words.

You shouldn't be afraid of yourself. Don't be afraid to be alone with yourself.

Hold out for the first time, and then you will see for yourself how useful this skill is.

AT modern world a person is rarely really alone with himself. There is always a phone, the Internet and interesting content that allow us to switch attention. But when external stimuli disappear, we can keenly feel the feeling that is inside us. No matter how pleasant or unpleasant it may be, it has an important signal. In this article, I will talk about this signal, as well as how and why you can use it for your own good or harm.

Feeling inside

We define the quality of our life by the feelings we experience most of the time. If we are “well”, then there is a feeling that life is going in the right direction. If we are "bad", then regardless of the amount of benefits, there is no joy.

Unpleasant feelings cause discomfort, which you want to get rid of. And there is an opportunity to take the phone, watch, read or listen to something. You can go somewhere, do something. Pour yourself a drink, eat something sweet, smoke a cigarette...

Stop! Here it is very important to stop and understand what is happening, because it is at this moment that a person makes a choice, often unconscious, that can seriously improve or worsen his life.

What does a person feel when they are alone? It can be any feeling, but in this context it is important negative emotions and the sharper the better. It can be something specific like boredom, anger, anxiety, or an abstract discomfort with yourself that you want to get rid of. Many people find it unpleasant to be alone with themselves, so even alone, they are always with a phone, a book, a laptop, headphones or anything - just not to feel it. oppressive feeling inside.

Feeling signal inside

Why does it occur? This is a signal that something important is missing, some need is not satisfied, or an unconstructive, interfering pattern sits in the subconscious. The subconscious mind draws a person's attention to this when it gets such an opportunity - when external stimuli disappear and nothing else occupies attention.

The subconscious always tries to do what is best for the person. It wants to get rid of the problem and draws the attention of consciousness to it with the tools that are available to it - emotions and sensations.

Avoiding the unpleasant emotion with distracting activities worsens the problem. Any replacement behavior has nothing to do with the cause of the emotion. And if you ignore the unpleasant feeling long enough, it develops into disappointment and eventually into depression. Avoiding an unpleasant, but natural and necessary emotion turns it into a snowball, adding new unpleasant emotions, which eventually become fixed in the subconscious template and turn into a serious problem.

Correct reaction

You need to learn to understand the signals of your emotions and competently respond to them. If a person feels fear, it is always a signal of danger. Anger is a reaction to injustice towards us, while guilt arises if we are unfair to someone else. Sadness always arises and only from the loss of something or someone important, and so on. We need to understand what this or that emotion tells us and take constructive action that will remove its cause. If you eliminate the threat, restore justice or make up for the loss, the corresponding feeling inside will also go away, and harmony will be restored.

But what if the feeling that a person feels does not correlate with any situation in the surrounding reality? What if there is no threat or injustice, but there is vague anxiety, self-loathing, insecurity, fear, and something else for which there seems to be no rational reason? What is this sensation?

This is the same snowball that has formed over many years of avoiding the first, basic and simple emotion. Each time, distracting himself and not paying attention to the signal of emotion, the person added a new thread to the negative feeling, which eventually became a strong subconscious tightrope and automatic behavior that caused discomfort and harm to the person.

If, left alone with yourself, you feel an unpleasant feeling that is incomprehensible and irrational, this is not just an unpleasant emotion, but a signal about a formed pattern that has descended to the level of the subconscious over the years. In this case, it cannot be changed by willpower, but can be quickly eliminated by turning directly to the subconscious.

If you continue to ignore this signal, the problem will only get worse, because the subconscious mind will continue to try to draw the person's attention to it more and more.

If you turn to the subconscious itself and neutralize the cause, the problem will disappear forever.

Unfortunately, many do not know that they have a choice and the opportunity to get rid of it. discomfort forever and find harmony with yourself. But it is better to know that there is such an opportunity and even better understand your emotions, listen to them and respond to them in a timely and correct manner.

Use your

Some of these places are really located in the most secluded corners of our planet, where there are almost no people. Others, on the contrary, are the most popular tourist attractions or famous resorts.
But in any of these places, visitors can expect indescribably beautiful landscapes and the opportunity to be alone with nature.

1. Mongolian steppes

Mongolia is the country with the lowest population density (1.8 people/sq.km). Today, herds of animals are much more common in its vast steppes than human settlements.

2. Mount Sheksan, Washington

Translated from the language of the Indians of the Lummi tribe, "Sheksan" means " High mountain". Sheksan is a whole mountain range crowned with the famous trihedral pyramid.

3. Phobikha Valley, Bhutan

Incredibly beautiful wide valley in the Himalayas.

4. Fjords of Baffin Land

Baffin Island is the largest of the Canadian islands. Winters here are very severe, and even in summer there are often frosts. Therefore, the population of the island is small - only 11 thousand people.

5. Lake Yueyaquan, Gobi Desert

This crescent-shaped lake is very popular with tourists. Due to natural causes, the area of ​​the desert lake is constantly shrinking, and there is even a risk of its complete disappearance.

6. Meteora Monastery, Greece

The name of this monastery, standing on sandstone cliffs, can be translated as "soaring in the sky."

7. Hallstatt, Austria

This inaccessible Austrian city is a monument to world heritage UNESCO. It is interesting to note that in 2012 the Chinese company China Minmetals Corporation built its exact copy in Guangdong province.

8. Mont Saint-Michel, France

The island-fortress of Mont Saint-Michel is one of the most famous and most visited attractions in France. It is connected to the mainland by an artificial dam.

9. Benbulbin, Ireland

Benbulbin is the famous table mountain (that is, a flat-topped mountain) of Ireland. Its height is 527 m and it is the symbol of County Sligo. Many Irish legends are associated with this mountain.

10. Oassiarsuk, Greenland

The permanent population of this town is only 89 people.

11. Peak District, England

This national park more than 22 million people visit each year. But despite such a dense flow of visitors, here you can always find a secluded place and admire the untouched nature.

12. Deer Stones, Mongolia

These ancient stones bear the image of a deer (hence the name). Similar stones can be found not only in the hard-to-reach steppes of Mongolia, but also in Kita, Altai and Transbaikalia.

13. Issyk-Kul, Kyrgyzstan

This largest lake in Kyrgyzstan ranks 7th among the deepest lakes in the world. It is located at an altitude of 1609 m above sea level, and its water is second only to Baikal in transparency.

So I want to mourn sometimes,
And drink hot coffee while sitting in a chair.
So I want to forget and forget ...
And throw away everything that is not in place.
So I want to hide in silence
And let go of all thoughts before dawn.
To be alone for a while,
As if there is nothing else in the world.
And I don't want to think about anything
Look out the window - how the rain dances in puddles,
Like water running down the glass...
Hoping that someone needs you.

The flakes of night are gone and melted into the morning glare.
Pre-dawn mist the color of pale coffee-gloss.
In the east the dawn is red, like a handful of strawberries,
Blinding me with a bright light on a wet highway ...

I'm rushing to nowhere on a winding road in the rocks,
And the winding serpentine serpent leads further and further.
The counter incrementally adds the number of kilometers in the end,
The indifferent engine carnivorously devours gasoline ...

Silence. Only the tires rustle with sandpaper on the asphalt,
The voice of Klaus Meine sings about the winds of change...
Fate cheated again: she didn’t give me a trump card.
But don’t talk about sad things… Or, as they say: tout va bien…

And no one will overtake, no one will cut on the track.
At an early hour they still sleep - this time is presented to me ...
I press on the gas, multiplying in my mind the acceleration by the mass
And, picked up by force, I slide along the road wave ...

Lanterns fly towards me and road signs ...
Feeling of freedom... As if running through the dew...
Like a wild deer ... Behind everyone lagged behind the dogs ...
There is a special charm in the awakened wet highway ...

approx. tout va bien - everything will be fine

The globe is spinning under us,
And the sky is spinning above us,
My head is spinning with happiness when with you
I am your echo, I am your echo.

I am grateful to the sky that I live,
For this life, for our meeting,
Where everyday life is so much like a game
And every move is like a challenge to the world.

And if it rains, then a rainbow over it,
And if a blizzard is a dance of plump snowflakes,
And in the wings is always an intelligent genie
Gracefully builds castles of sand and ice.

And all the paths are spread out in a network
On the fields of the spacious Runet,
You do not be sad, in vain and do not wait,
When one day you don't get an answer from me.

We show up one day.
This world accepts us
Where there are many of us, but still each
He walks forward alone.
How can, how much will,
Patience, wisdom and strength.
You say - one is not a warrior!
And is he alone in the field?
After all, there is a family, friends, colleagues.
Help - lend a hand.
Agree. But really
In spirit we are always alone.
There is a world that you can't get into
To all those who are close, dear to us.
We will figure it out ourselves.
Only we can host it.
The medal has two sides.
And people also have two of them:
We are known one by one, outside,
We hide the second in ourselves.
One - for everyone and everyone is familiar,
But without the other, she is nothing.
We create our foundation in it,
She has a genuine soul,
In it, our essence is without cut,
In it is the kitchen of inner passions,
In it we are without gloss and blende.
We are real only in it.

The morning woke up without you, and anxiety in my soul,
You are there, and I'm alone again,
Alone with your feelings and concerns.
Seems like a habit
But when I hear your name
Everything inside is turning
And from the outside they just say:
"Time heals". Hm,
These two words have replaced the word life for me.
But it is so, I neither live nor breathe without you,
Almost stopped sleeping
Because all the time I think only about you.
When I get home, I'll make you coffee out of habit.
And I'm waiting for the long-awaited call at the door ...