How to achieve contact when communicating. How to build rapport with anyone

Too many people succumb to the mistaken belief that the ability to communicate with others is an inborn skill. No, you can develop this trait on your own, of course, if you have the desire. Social connections with other people are as much a human need as food, shelter and water, because we feel discomfort and pain when we lose relationships. If you do not show shyness, cynicism, pride, envy and arrogance, you will be able to establish contact with anyone. Here are some actionable tips.

1. Leave a strong initial impression

Many people decide how much they like you in the first 7 seconds of talking to you. After that, they already analyze their very first reaction. And these impressions of them are directly related to your body language, so watch your own gestures, facial expressions and the tone of your voice.

2. Go beyond superficial conversation

Your first conversations with a new acquaintance are usually somewhat superficial. We try to look good and stick to safe topics about the weather, mutual friends, or basic information about ourselves. Try to be natural and sincere and go beyond meaningless polite phrases.

3. Ask questions

If the other person is indecisive in a conversation, ask leading questions. Choose words that will help you understand what he is interested in, but also do not sound tactless, trying to offend something very personal.

4. Learn from them

Be willing to learn from the person you are trying to connect with. This not only makes him feel more attached to you, but also important and meaningful. It also shows that you are willing to be open and not too proud to admit your knowledge gaps.

5. Don't make them regret taking off their mask

If your new acquaintance has revealed himself to you, do not make him regret it. Sarcasm, criticism or jokes are the biggest mistake. Instead, praise his outlook on life and approach, even if you don't fully agree with his beliefs, and reciprocate by sharing more about yourself.

6. Look for the good in them

Our culture often predisposes us to cynicism. We seem to be focused on finding reasons why people don't like it, not reasons why they still like it. Silence your inner cynic and focus on finding the good in the person.

7. Smile

People unconsciously mirror the body language of their interlocutor. If you are trying to win people over, smile when talking to them - this way they automatically begin to feel sympathy for you and feel comfortable in your company.

8. Address by name

Your name is part of your personality, therefore, any interlocutor is always very pleased with such a personal appeal. When you get to know someone, don't hesitate to ask for the name again if you don't hear it or have forgotten it.

9. Follow the platinum rule

This rule requires us to treat people the way they want to be treated. Then the person becomes comfortable with you and opens up. In addition, it also demonstrates that you are listening and hearing what he is telling you.

10. Don't make communication a competition.

The accomplishments and life experiences of a new acquaintance make you feel like looking just as good (if not better). This may affect your ego, but it will not help you establish a quality connection, as you begin to focus only on yourself, and not find a common language.

11. Turn off your inner voice

One giant problem that prevents us from communicating with other people is that we do not know how to listen. Instead, we think while the other person is talking about something. We're thinking about what we're going to say next. You must turn off this inner voice if you want to communicate well with people.

It's nice to be treated well! With some people, we manage to establish warm relationships quickly and easily. But there are those with whom the conversation does not stick. How to talk to the interlocutor and how it is easier to establish contact with another person.

1. Tell about yourself. If the interlocutor, as it seems to you, is not ready for a conversation, does not answer your questions or answers in monosyllables, you can first talk about extraneous topics, talk about what worries you at that moment and within this narrative there will be a space for communication.

2. Ask an unexpected question. Give the interlocutor the opportunity to look at the topic of your discussion in a new way - surprise will open up an opportunity for dialogue. Journalist Valery Agranovsky in one of his books told how, trying to interview a taciturn specialist about his work, he asked his interlocutor how many steps he takes per shift. Another time he had to do an interview with the physicist Flerov, who asked questions to be sent in advance - but ready-made answers would not give the feeling of a lively conversation. And so, having come to a meeting with Flerov, Agranovsky saw diagrams on the board and asked why atoms are always drawn in rounds, and not in rhombuses, for example. The physicist thought - why, really? The question awakened his curiosity and became the starting point for a fascinating conversation.

3. Express your attention to the interlocutor. While he speaks, nod, use encouraging statements: “yes, yes,” “yep,” “really, so.” Do not look away for a long time to the side, look in the direction of the interlocutor, but not necessarily directly into the eyes - some perceive a too direct and intent look as an expression of distrust.

4. Raise the self-esteem of the interlocutor. The following phrases will help with this: How interesting”, “Yes, now I begin to understand.” Sometimes it is useful to ask again: “Excuse me, what did you say? It is very important!" Repeat especially significant statements of the interlocutor, adding to them: “This is very new information”, “Wait a second, I would like to write this down.”

5. Show your interest in the topic. It happens that the erudition of the interlocutor exceeds yours. In this case, you can ask him to clarify certain points. If at the same time he is a little arrogant, do not immediately admit your ignorance - instead you can say: “Well, well… I’m searching in my memory… I can’t restore… but it sounds so interesting! Could you tell me…”

6. Choose an individual style of communication. Try to imagine what is important for your interlocutor, what he would like. And use it. For example: “My friend, having learned that I would meet with you, asked me to find out by all means ... My friends will envy me when I tell them that I talked to you ... Your loved ones are probably proud that you ... ". One sculptor said to Yuri Gagarin: “ Young man, do not turn around - otherwise you will not get into history!

7. Reflect the feelings of the interlocutor, while maintaining a distance: "You seem to be excited." If you think that the interlocutor is experiencing negative emotions, add "as if"and ask again:" It looks as if you were outraged by my ignorance - is it really so?

8. Talk about your reaction. Monitor your feelings and talk about them when appropriate or necessary. With positive emotions, as a rule, there are no difficulties (see paragraph 3). And if you have unpleasant experiences, report as an observation - from the position of an observer: “You know, I feel some kind of disagreement inside me ... a desire to object ... This is curious - I want to object to a person with whom I am so interested in talking ...”

9. Challenge. Instead of trying to please the other person, make them try to please you. Such an unexpected role reversal can spice up a conversation. An example is the case of defending a dissertation. The speaker finished the keynote, and the moment that young scientists usually fear most of all has come - when the presenter will say: “ And now questions for the dissertation". At that time, as soon as these words of the host were heard, the dissertator added: “ Just please, turn around! The opponents were confused - they were no longer thinking about how to “fill up” him, but about how interesting their questions would turn out to be. The young man turned them into the object of his evaluation.

10. Put "quotes". In situations where you need to say something unpleasant to the interlocutor or ask a question that he does not want to hear, the removal technique or intonation quotes helps - you say what you think is necessary, but not on your own behalf. For example: "I myself would never ask this question, but I was asked to find out ...", “Now I have a difficult moment, I don’t want to say this, but the management asked me to convey ...” or " In my place, some tactless person could ask ... ". To maintain a friendly atmosphere, you can indicate that this unpleasant episode will be taken out of the scope of your confidential conversation: “…And then we will immediately return to our conversation.”

Our conversations often turn into a fruitless exchange of reproaches. How to avoid it? To be able to see the facts, to be aware of our feelings, to express our needs, to articulate requests clearly - these are the components of the method that helps us find the right words.

The key to successful communication is speaking clearly. It would seem so simple, but more often we indulge in verbose abstract reasoning and almost never talk about what we feel at the moment. When we dump on the interlocutor everything that we have accumulated, his attention weakens: he drowns in the stream of our words. Clarity and accuracy are the main principles of the non-violent communication method. Having mastered its four basic rules: non-judgmental observation; recognition of their feelings; identification of the needs associated with these feelings; formulating specific requests - we will learn to speak so that the interlocutor can hear and understand us. And as a result, communication with partners and children, parents, friends and colleagues will become effective.

Conflictology and conflicts

Imagine that someone you like is asking you for a favor. Most likely, you will be pleased to do him a favor. What if you are asked for a favor by a person to whom you are indifferent? Not the fact that you rush to help him. If you hear advice from a person you respect, then you will be grateful for his attention and listen to his words. And if someone unsympathetic to you starts teaching you, then you will either simply ignore his words, or brush off unsolicited advice with irritation.

What is the difference? In a relationship. As Lee Iacocca wrote in his book The Career of a Manager, getting along with people is the key to success. Lee Iacocca himself, being a well-known top manager in the world business, actively studied psychology. Successful people are able to build interpersonal relationships based on mutual trust and understanding. Psychologists call such relationships the term "rapport" (fr. rapport, from rapporter - to return, bring back). If rapport is established, people communicate calmly and positively, find common ground faster, and more easily come to a compromise.

It is known that it is easier and more comfortable for all of us to communicate with people like us. We are interested in “outsiders” who are not like us, but they frighten us, we instinctively do not trust them and cannot relax in their presence. Many companies have their own dress code, their own office slang: this contributes to rapprochement and the creation of an atmosphere of “all around”.

Rapprochement and "adjustment" are carried out at different levels of perception. According to research by the American psychologist Albert Meyerabian, the success of communication depends on 7% of words, 38% on the timbre of the voice, and 55% on body language and gestures. Thus, non-verbal communication is an integral part of the classical communication of people with each other. There are several ways to convey non-verbal information. The opto-kinesthetic method includes the use of facial expressions, hand movements during conversation (gestures), posture and human movements. The paralinguistic way of transmitting information is associated with the physiology of the human voice: tonality, range, volume, intonation. The extralinguistic method of non-verbal communication includes the rate of speech, the presence or absence of pauses, sighs, and laughter. Another method of non-verbal communication is eye contact.

With visual contact, the frequency of intersection of the interlocutors' views, the length of the period when people look directly into each other's eyes, attempts to catch a glance or avoid it are important. When a person is embarrassed, he often looks down, if he is frightened or deceives the interlocutor, he looks away, and when the interlocutors are pleasant to each other, they look at each other for at least half the time of the entire communication process. Wandering eyes mean that the interlocutor is bored. As for the “first look”, I liked the rule that I recently read about: “On first contact, look the interlocutor in the eyes, not past, but directly into the eyes, and long enough to remember the color of the eyes, then you can look away.”

Experienced negotiators pay attention to the posture, gestures, voice, rate of speech, energy level of the interlocutor. The best posture for a successful dialogue is "open": facing each other, arms not crossed over the chest. It is recommended to use the technique of “mirroring”: if the interlocutor is sitting straight, you also need to straighten your back; if the interlocutor speaks quickly, you should not draw out words; the brain will send a signal "this is a stranger!".

Most people like to talk about themselves, but to establish rapport, you need to listen and hear each other: use a paraphrase, ask clarifying questions, repeat your interlocutor's favorite words and phrases. "I see that ... My point of view is that ... It is visible ... I hear you ... For me it was like a call ... I feel ..." - such turns of speech can tell you about how the interlocutor perceives the world and give hints on how best to take in the information. At first glance, everything seems pretty simple. But it is not at all easy to follow not only how it looks, moves, what your interlocutor says, and at the same time repeat his movements and maintain a dialogue.

The next steps in establishing rapport are adjustments to the way of thinking, interests, values, experience. Here, erudition, curiosity and the presence of a hobby help, allowing you to maintain a conversation on topics that are relevant to the people with whom you need to build relationships. And at the same time, it is important not to forget about your own individuality and your values. Firstly, to respect oneself, and secondly, because the “strangers”, although dangerous, are still interesting. Establishing rapport is both a natural, almost unconscious process, an art and a skill.

Sometimes people say: is this manipulation? I do not think so. It all depends on what we want. If we deliberately influence the feelings of another person, pursuing only our own hidden goals, this is manipulation. If we are looking for common ground and want to show that “we are of the same blood - you and me”, then this is as natural as speaking English with an Englishman or how to use the language of the deaf with the deaf ... In addition, establishing rapport is always two-way process.

Is this “tuning” enough to establish effective long-term relationships? No, not enough. You can smile, look into the eyes, "mirror" gestures, keep up a conversation on various interesting topics, but if communication is not supported by sincere interest and respect for the person, as well as real deeds, then complete success cannot be achieved.

Once I had a conflict with a person who was much higher than me in status. We did not like each other from the very beginning, literally everything in each other annoyed us, we barely talked. When he was appointed my direct supervisor, my ex-boss, who had been promoted, asked me what I would do - maybe go for secondment in another country? I didn't want to leave and said I would work with the new boss.

That was not easy. To begin with, I decided to find strengths in him for which I could respect him. I carefully watched him, listened to him, talked about him with colleagues who worked in his team, and as a result I saw a lot of positive qualities in him: a strategic mind, the ability to instantly process huge amounts of data and draw accurate conclusions, incredible performance, breadth of interests , charm, emotionality and vulnerability, hidden behind external brutality. I did everything he asked and everything he didn't ask if I thought he might need it. I constantly thought about how to make his life easier, easier and more fun. At first he neutrally accepted my help, then he began to turn to me himself, then he began to consult with me on all important issues. In the end, we became very friends and still communicate, although he has not been my boss for a long time ... When I remember how we went from hostility to friendship, I realize that I worked hard to become useful to him, but still most importantly, I changed my attitude towards him, and he could not help but feel it. “Don't worry if you don't like someone,” one coach once told me at one of the seminars, “in 99% of cases, he doesn't like you either. But if you feel sincere sympathy for someone, then, most likely, this will also be mutual.

Show genuine interest in people. After going through the first impressions stage, you should try to really show people that you care about those with whom you connect. This means that you have to worry about the person and their goals, hopes and interests. Being sincere is the most important thing you can do to make real connections; talk to people because you want to know how they are doing, not because you want to use them to get ahead so they can see the difference.

• Let them see that you really care who they are and what they are. Spend much more time talking about other people than yourself.
• If the person tells you about something that happened to them, whether it's a job interview or a hike, ask a few more follow-up questions to show you're interested.
• If you're reading a story about something the person has talked to you about, send them an email with a link to let them know they might be interested.

Ask people questions about themselves. As your friendship with the person develops, you should try to ask him questions to show that you really want to know more about them. For now, you can stick to easy topics at first, like hobbies or pets, then move on to asking about their work, or even background or relationship facts. Let your relationship develop at its natural pace, and ask questions if they seem appropriate.

• It shouldn't feel like an interview, and you shouldn't ask too many questions at once. As the relationship develops, you can ask more and more to get to know the person better.
• You have to open up about as much as the other person does if you want to build a relationship. While the person should feel like you care about them, they shouldn't feel like you're not going to reveal anything about yourself.

Find a common interest that you can enjoy together. One way to build a deeper relationship is to find something to do together to strengthen your connection. If you know that three of your co-workers are as book-hungry as you are, start a book club with them. If a few kids in your class like to watch football as much as you do, invite them to watch a match together one of the following Sundays. If the neighbor you're starting to befriend loves yoga as much as you do, offer to take classes together. By finding leads to connect with, you can take your relationship to the next level.

• It may be necessary for you to take the initiative to invite a person for hobby activities, but you should not be shy about this. If a person likes you, and he cares about mutual interest, then the time will be fun when you can make contact.
• Once you start doing something with a person, it looks like you may find that you happen to have two or more interests in common, and your bond will continue to grow.

Open up. You need people to feel that they can turn to you if they are having trouble and that they are not competing with someone perfect. You don't have to complain about all your insecurities or problems just yet, as you get to know people, you can open up to them about things like pressing questions about work, as well as your latest fight with your sister. By trying to open up about your personal, you show people that you are a person who is open to making contact.

• You may think that people like you more if you seem perfect, but in reality, they will be much more open to connecting with you if you prove that you have flaws. This will make your image more human.

Maintain regular contact with people. Another way to build relationships with people is to make sure you stay in touch with them. Let them know how great your weekend was, or call or text asking for updates if you knew ahead of time that they had a big event coming up, like a job interview or an important exam. This demonstrates that you think about people when they are not around, and that you are really interested in their affairs. At the same time, you shouldn't remind yourself too often that they might feel like you're there, but do it often enough to deepen your relationship.

• Regular short communication builds a more natural and longer-term collaboration and makes it easier for you to keep hanging out together.
• Just a short text message wishing a person good luck the evening before a big event can help him or her feel that you are worried.

Pay attention. Another thing you can do to encourage people to build relationships with you is to really pay attention to what they are talking about. Memorizing on their behalf, from the first meeting, to where they are from, what their hobbies are, what their favorite book is, fixing these things in memory, will make you a more caring friend with whom it is easier to build rapport. If people feel like everything they say to you is going in one ear and out the other, then they are less likely to want to open up to you.

• If you can remember the name of a man's sister, where he went to college, where in Florida he lived as a child, or any number or detail that he mentioned only once or twice, then he will see that you are really caring.
• You should also focus on the other person's facial expressions and body language to get an idea of ​​how he or she really feels. A person may say that everything is fine, but you will know that something is wrong, and you will be the best friend because of it.
• Make an effort to listen when people tell you when their birthdays, anniversaries, and other special events are, so that you can congratulate them in time.

Take the time to really listen to people. Another way to strengthen your relationships with people is to make an effort to actually listen to them when they talk to you. You should make eye contact with them, put your phone and other distractions aside, and try to absorb the words they say to you. Let them finish their speech instead of interrupting and giving their opinion. Hold your judgment and save your advice unless it's asked for. By listening to people, you will show them that you really care about them, and not just talk about yourself.

• People in today's world of technology and multitasking are notoriously bad listeners. You can make yourself stand out by putting in the effort to really care.
• When talking to people, turn to face them and use open facial expressions and gestures to make them feel more comfortable talking to you.
• You shouldn't nod or say "uh-huh" every two seconds to show that you're listening. Eye contact, body language, and focus will do it for you.

Do you like to go to various events and end up as a silent type, standing in a corner away from the lively conversation, silently sipping your coffee? The ability to maintain a conversation during various communications (and even with complete strangers) is nowadays practically a skill from the Must Have category. Therefore, below we will consider a few tips that will help you “talk” and find common topics in almost any company.

What is it for? You will be able to find a common language with the people you need and make new contacts. Yes, you may not feel very fun at first, but remember that the questions below can lead to more interesting conversations. Their goal is not to become best friends or get themselves a new client right on the spot (although, of course, it's nice when this happens instantly, but as a rule this is not the case). The purpose of such mini-conversations is to find common ground with the interlocutor, which in the future will help you continue the conversation you started with a common mutual interest.

It's actually very easy to have a conversation if you learn to listen and ask appropriate clarifying questions that will emerge from your dialogue. All you need is to prepare a few questions in advance. If a person willingly makes contact, then you can continue to actively participate in the conversation.

When the person you're chatting with isn't actively involved in the conversation with you, it's a red flag for you to say to yourself, "OK, this isn't one of the people I want, it's time to move on and meet someone else."

Ultimately, during this first contact, each person decides whether to continue contact with the interlocutor further. During these small conversations, people are just forming their opinion about who you are, how competent you are and whether they trust you.

An important skill is also the ability to finish any topic on time and not always try to be right and prove it. By and large, we should value the opinions of others and accept that it is not so important to win every argument.

When it comes to small first conversations, don't try to impress everyone with something smart every time you open your mouth. Your words may be forgotten, but how you make people feel, they will remember.

And now, back to the practical part. Below are four questions that we hope will help you when you're trying to figure out what to say and don't know.

What do you do when you're not at work or events like this?

This question encourages the interlocutor to talk about their hobbies and interests. It's also a great way to add enthusiasm to a fading conversation.

Are you going anywhere this summer?

This question can lead to conversations about family, interests, and if you want to talk about travel, it's a sure way to keep the conversation interesting.

How did you become who you are?

For some, the journey to where they are and the work they do today can be a very interesting story. For your interlocutor, this will be a great question and an opportunity to revisit their success story and talk about what drives them.

How do you relate to this event?

This question can reveal mutual contact and usually leads to more useful and interesting answers than if you simply asked, "Have you been to this event before?"