Scene 5 Avoid Excessive Restrictions “My husband has been very demanding of our sons ever since they were very young. He does not tolerate disorder, cannot stand it when they turn around the table, very early began to demand from them that they put their things in dirty linen.

Chapter XXIII How to avoid flatterers I do not want to keep silent about one important thing and miss the mistake from which it is difficult for princes to protect themselves if they do not have exceptional insight and if they do not know how to choose people well. I'm talking about the flatterers that fill the palaces. After all, people

Let's talk about pauses. I will not hide - this is my favorite topic. The fact is that the process of speaking, communication is, as you yourself understand, not only words. People communicate with their eyes, pay attention to voice, timbre, intonation. People are looking at you, and if you are a great speaker, but you got to the ball in a denim suit, then it is unlikely that anyone will take what you say seriously - unless, of course, you yourself beat this situation cheerfully and with dignity! If you start to feel embarrassed, everyone will pay attention to your inappropriate costume, and no words will fix this, unless it was specifically conceived by you, for some reason. This is also quite possible, and even happens. But in this chapter we will talk about pauses.

BETWEEN WORDS

pauses- one of the tools of the so-called non-verbal communication. Verbal communication- this is communication with words, and non-verbal is what remains between words: gestures, facial expressions, glances and pauses. Pauses make sense, and in the hands of an experienced speaker, they are a terrific tool. If you ask a question and immediately answer it yourself, consider that you have lost your audience. At the very beginning (and we just discussed how much this means!) you ask: “Do you know how many words are in Pushkin’s dictionary?” - and pause. The audience is silent and thinking. But if you immediately answer your own question, then people relax and understand that they can just listen (or not listen) to the speaker, since you are not at all interested in whether they know the answers to your questions or not. You just go your own way, on your own. And the audience loves when they respect it, when they are interested in it, when they communicate with it for real, and not for show.

It is with a pause that an experienced lecturer and an experienced teacher begin any presentation in front of an audience. I really love the moment when I put a pause in the place of a late student - I just can’t stand it when someone enters the audience after me. All my students know about this and try to arrive early, but sometimes there are latecomers. If a person enters when the lecture has already begun, the atmosphere in the audience is disturbed, and this is absolutely unacceptable. But if this happens, I just shut up, right in mid-sentence, and calmly wait for the latecomer to sit down. You have no idea how many sounds he makes that every person in the audience hears, and how these sounds and rustles frighten him. Here he puts down his briefcase, now he opens a notebook, now he takes out a pen, now he creaks with a chair, now he takes off his jacket or jacket, and the whole audience is looking at him, everyone is waiting. I look at my watch and calmly ask: “How much time do you think you have taken from us? And what should we do now? Start the lecture from the very beginning or continue? How many minutes do you think it will take for the classroom to re-establish a working atmosphere?” I don’t ask easily, I wait for an answer, that is, a guilty mumble. This person will never be late again in his life, he better come an hour earlier. He suddenly felt like the subject of everyone's attention when he was not ready for this, and this is not an easy test.

This is what all experienced school teachers do - they just shut up. True, if an inexperienced teacher is silent, the children may not pay any attention to the pause.
The same thing happens when journalists ask a question and fall silent. This is a very good technique, because you asked a question, you were answered something, but you are silent, and this means that the answer does not suit you. The person starts talking. By the way, a little later I will tell a bike on this topic.

Follow closely the interview of Vladimir Pozner. He often does this - he asks a question, his interlocutor answers something, he is silent and looks into his eyes, and the person starts talking further, usually this is the most interesting thing. Because when, in response to a question, he gives out what he has prepared in advance, this is not at all the same. But when, in response to Posner's silence, he begins to develop his thought, it is at this moment that he can say something careless and very sincere.

A pause, in my opinion, can have different content. Here an inexperienced teacher is silent in the classroom when everyone is making noise - this is a pause of confusion, and the students of such a teacher will "score". Often good teachers, having no experience and skills in public communication, leave the school because of this. But there are pauses of confidence when everyone falls silent and there is silence, and in such precious moments I say: listen to the silence, it also has a sound.
How is silence conveyed in cinema? The snow creaks, or the birds sing, or the breeze blows... There are always some sounds...
Try to shut up and listen right now. I think you will hear something - something is happening outside the window, the sounds of the street are heard ... It is very interesting to listen to the silence. Each of us knows such moments when suddenly you are left alone and listen and hear how silence sounds.

SAY AND BE HEARD

Pause is a wonderful tool, it is a “sauce” for your words and thoughts. It is important not to drive the horses, not to rush. A bad speaker is one who thoughtlessly jumps from one thought to another. After all, a person in order to perceive what he heard, some kind of “seasoning” is required. Therefore, you should never try to say everything at once about everything.

It's hard not to say, it's hard to be heard. And a pause in this sense can do a lot. It's okay if you think about what to say next - this is not a pause of confusion, this is a pause of a confident person who wants to find the right word. To be honest, I don’t like the teleprompter, because now all our announcers, news anchors, like crazy, at the same pace, without any hitches, read the news, and this ... It doesn’t happen in life, and the audience understands that something is wrong. Some kind of bulging gaze directed at the camera, which does not look into the eyes, but a little higher, a little lower ... So, there is a prompter operating there. And reading, reading, reading. But reading and speaking are two different things. We read with our eyes, but we speak to be perceived also with our ears. So, you need to speak in a different way. Therefore, take your time, think about the words, do not be afraid to pause, appreciate it. Good speakers even prepare moments like this - they say, "Now I'll find the right word," and they stop and everyone starts looking for the right word. The task of a good speaker is to draw the audience into the process, into thinking about new words, thoughts, emotions. And for this, he needs a certain run-up, acceleration, and after bright phrases or when formulating some important theses, a pause can be very good. Look at television programs: how interesting it is to watch people speaking, when suddenly they think. Here they stopped a man on the road, asked him a question: “How would you spend a million dollars?” A pause of confusion, a person thinks, and then says something like: “I don’t know, I will never have a million”, or “I would give it to an orphanage”, or something else. But for us, the most interesting thing is precisely the pause, the moment when he thought, because then he was sincere.
But the most important thing is that at that moment we also thought about something. We, too, were looking for the answer to this question, although no one asked us!

So a pause is a way to get the full attention of the audience without any unnecessary calls. A pause is a reflection on what has been said, a pause is a question, a pause is an invitation to cooperation.

TOOL OWNERSHIP

In what cases should pauses be used, if we have in mind different goals of the speech?
If we want to give someone the right information, it would be good to start by understanding how familiar the listeners are with it. To do this, you can not even ask them about it, but ask a leading question and catch the mood of the audience during the pause. Just pause and look. You should feel a wave of support, interest and approval, this is almost a chemical process, it is in the air, but it feels like love. And then it will be easier for you to speak. It's sort of a test, it's like... a sapper's tool when they're looking for a mine. You said something like that, and at the moment of a pause it becomes clear - this or not.
So take your time, do not try to speak out immediately, quickly and to the point. After all, it may seem to you that everything is “on the case”, and then it turns out that the public was not at all ready for what was said. During the pause, look at how the process is going, whether people perceive you or not.

If you need to induce action, the role of a pause can hardly be overestimated, but overdoing it means losing the audience. Therefore, any pathetic words of a good speaker, a public politician, are first expressed loudly and temperamentally, and only then a pause is maintained. And, of course, it is obligatory after bright slogans - for applause, for delights, for shouts. It is necessary that a politician be able to make such pauses. Pay attention, and you will immediately notice them in the speeches of any real politicians.

If you need to impress, please be careful, because in this case your pause may be perceived as a sign of confusion. At the same time, you have to think before you answer, and then your pause - even a short one! - will characterize you as a thinking person. They ask you: “How much would you like to receive for this job?” Do not immediately say: "Five thousand dollars and not a cent less" - in no case. Pause and say that money matters to you, but it's not the main thing. You will win, maybe even get more than you expect. After all, any competent employer will appreciate your ability to think before answering, which means that you need to learn how to pause - one, two, three - and then speak.

By the way, you will say it much better, because in these three or four seconds you will have the opportunity to think about what exactly you want to say.
But if you need to report the result, I would advise you to avoid unnecessary pauses. Messages of this kind are prepared according to a plan and are valued precisely for their tempo and rhythm. A pause suggests emotional contact, as we said, it is sauce, and a dish like a report does not need it. In this case, pauses can hurt you.
In order to support the company, of course, the art of the storyteller is required. And it means pauses. I specifically paid attention to Radzinsky, Wulf, Zadornov, and if we talk about old recordings, then we can recall Ilyinsky, Andronikov, who I love - how they withstand pauses! And how well Viktor Shenderovich is silent!
Those who do not pause do not give the listeners the opportunity to laugh properly. True, Shenderovich told me how terrible it is when you say some kind of remark or joke and pause, and no one in the hall laughs. For satirists and comedians, this is a nightmare, but each of them went through it, because this must be learned - to pronounce the last phrase, to give out an impulse to the hall: now I will be silent, and you will laugh, and I will not even smile in response .. .

But when people master this art, it is, of course, amazing, these pauses, they become ... simply priceless!
A good storyteller generally does not speak much, but he perfectly manipulates the audience - with the help of pauses, intonations and, of course, eyes and facial expressions. As a rule, good storytellers are charismatic. And such people are always multi-layered, so there are certainly pauses in their speeches.
"LOUD" PAUSE
To understand if you know how to pause, I advise you to start by recording some of your story on a voice recorder. Surely the result will not be what you thought. As a rule, people overestimate, or vice versa, underestimate themselves. While listening, we usually do not like everything: the voice, the timbre, and the very process of pronouncing words. Write down a paraphrase of a newspaper article you like. In school, this exercise was called a presentation, remember? Or try retelling the movie.

See if you get interesting beginnings and endings, do you keep pauses?

And then you will understand how to work in this direction further.
Unfortunately, it often happens that during a pause a person says "uh-uh", and he himself does not notice this. I call such a pause “loud” and I strongly advise you to get rid of it as soon as possible, since it has an extremely negative connotation.

This is not an invitation to cooperation, this is violence against an audience that dreams that the speaker will finally “give birth” to the word that he is looking for with such tension.
Getting rid of the “loud” pause can be difficult even for professionals. I had many students who were never able to overcome this shortcoming and, unfortunately, resigned themselves to it.
The fact is that in order to fight a bad habit, you need to develop a new one - a good one. And they don’t change so quickly, that’s why they are habits to stick tightly. Remember the classic: habit is second nature.
And we need to change it!
And yet there were people in my practice who learned to hear their “loud” pause and managed to get rid of it.
They recorded themselves a lot on the recorder, made a diagnosis - in which cases the opposite “uh” or “aaaa” appears, and learned to control such moments.
There are no people without flaws, especially speakers. The task of a smart person who understands the importance of effective communication is to identify their weaknesses and strengths, work to develop the best, and to negate the worst. The more shortcomings, the more work is required, this is quite understandable.
Towards the end - the promised tale about a pause. This is one of my favorite stories. In my textbook for TV journalists, she is given as a professional example. Baika is like that. The senator in America was fined. He was caught in a corruption scandal, newspapers wrote about it, and, naturally, the CBS owner had a desire to invite this person to live broadcast. But his entire team and press office objected. And then the company's leaders turned to the same famous Larry King - maybe this story is attributed to him, or maybe it was all true - with a request to invite the disgraced senator to the live broadcast of the 60 Minutes program. For this interview, the TV journalist was offered millions of dollars. He agreed on the condition that he would be given the right to do everything as he saw fit. And what do you think?
He invites this senator to live on Mother's Day. Why Mother's Day? Because the senator, and it was well known to everyone, had a good mother, he was a well-mannered person, he had a good family, and on Mother's Day he could talk about all this. The press service of the senator decides that it will be great, no scandals - the famous Larry King has a calm broadcast. But here's what happens next. Questions are sent to the senator - this is the custom in America. Together with the press service, he thinks over the answers. The first question is: “Is it true that it was your mother who influenced your entire career, your success?” Naturally, a story about his wonderful mother is planned. The next question is: "Who chooses your shirts and ties - your mother or your wonderful wife?" - etc.

He comes to the studio, there is a live broadcast, Larry King sits, asks him the first question. The senator tells everything about mom, how they agreed, how they rehearsed. Larry King lights his famous cigar, crosses one leg over the other... He has such long legs, sits, looks attentively at the senator and is silent. The senator decided that Larry had forgotten the second question and asked it himself: "And if you are interested in who chooses my shirts and ties, then my wife and my two other wonderful daughters do it, they also have great taste." Replied. Larry King nodded, inhaled again, crossed his legs from one to the other and was silent in response. Absolute pause. Well, and so it went on for about 15 minutes. But the broadcast lasts 60 minutes. And the senator could not stand it and said: “Do you also think that I am involved in this scandal? What do you allow yourself, why don’t you talk to me, don’t you know that I have absolutely nothing to do with it ?! Well, and so on. And then the conversation went on the topic that interested the journalist. As a result, the senator's press service filed a lawsuit against Larry King - they say, there was an agreement about one thing, and the broadcast was about something completely different. But the judge listened to the tape and said: “So it was your senator who spoke himself, look, Larry King, except for the first one, did not ask a single question!” Such is the great role of the pause! One person in the studio felt absolutely confident, relaxed and prepared in advance. Just paused. And the second person was completely unprepared. And the pause became a deadly weapon for him. Good story, right?
CONCLUSIONS
The role of a pause in any speech is huge, but in each case the pause has its own role.
It is necessary to distinguish between a pause of confusion and a pause of confidence.
If you ask the audience a question, be able to wait for the answer. The pause itself can be an issue.
A pause is a great helper in managing the gym and maintaining discipline.
A “loud” pause, that is, a lowing between words, is a huge drawback that needs to be eliminated!
TASKS
1. Try to list what means the speaker has at his disposal besides words. Think about this for yourself.
2. Perform the exercise "statement" and record yourself on the recorder. Determine if you have a "loud" pause and how often you use the pause to make the story sound interesting.
3. Ask your friends if you know how to listen to the interlocutor, do you interrupt at the most important moment? Usually only those who know how to listen hold a pause well.
4. Ask a question, but after the answer, look carefully into the eyes of the interlocutor and continue to be silent. You have to get the person to start giving more detailed explanations himself.
5. If during your speech someone inappropriately laughed or suddenly took out the included phone from the bag - abruptly, in mid-sentence, shut up and pause until complete silence.

When lovers are near, no words are needed just to enjoy each other's company. But it is imperative to speak on the phone, because awkward pauses create a feeling of understatement and anxiety.

It is all the more important to know how not to remain silent on the phone if you are just starting to build a relationship with a person. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a business conversation or an intimate one - in any case you need to understand what topics you can talk about in order to fill a moment of silence.

The phone is not for intimate conversations

Use the phone conversation only to break the news or arrange a date. All other topics should be discussed in person. When you look at the other person, you can see their reaction, receiving much more information than when using only the organ of hearing. In addition, when communicating face-to-face, it is easier to find a topic for discussion - talk about what you see around.

Perhaps you have friends who are not averse to chatting on the mobile, wean them too from this. If they become offended, say that you want to invest much more in friendship than just heart-to-heart talk. When you begin to meet more often, they will appreciate your desire.

Listen to the interlocutor

If you can’t avoid long conversations, be extremely attentive to the interlocutor. Most often, awkward pauses appear when the topic of conversation does not interest one of you. If you have been telling something fascinating for the last half hour, and silence has hung on the other end of the line, then you either overloaded the listener, or your story turned out to be irrelevant. Therefore, firstly, try to talk less and do not turn the dialogue into a monologue, and secondly, ask questions more often to find out the problems that concern him.

Respond appropriately to the words of your interlocutor. You may not be interested in all this, but be sure to show that you are actively listening. For example, throw replicas: “What are you doing?”, “And what's next?”, “It can't be, and what did you do?” etc. If you get bored, try to shift communication in a different direction, otherwise pauses cannot be avoided. At times like these, you need to take the initiative.

If you're talking to a timid guy and your relationship is just getting started, you should always have an interesting story to keep the conversation going. For example, you were asked the question: “How are you?” . Having answered it in monosyllables, you again throw the ball into the field of another, and again he will have to come up with a new question for the girl, for which he may not be ready, because he does not know you at all yet. This is where the flirting ends. Tell him a little about what happened yesterday and today. Another option is to share what you read on the Internet today or discuss the latest news that may concern both of you.

So that you always have something to tell, live a bright life. The more impressions, communication with different people, the easier it will be to find the right topics. And there will definitely not be awkward pauses.

If you are just taking your first steps in a pickup truck, and you don’t have much experience with girls, the question naturally arises, what to talk about with a new girlfriend. After all, when for the first time, a lot of all sorts of nuances arise: since she is you, you start to worry, and because of this, communication does not stick well.

Therefore, before the meeting, it is better to have a plan in your head: what, what you can catch on in communication, where to lead it and how to avoid awkward pauses.

The first question that you should ask yourself is: “for what purpose am I going for a walk now, and what exactly do I want from a girl?”. After all, this is very important! Why do so many dates end in nothing? The guy likes the girl and he meets completely aimlessly in fact, he does not know what to do and where to direct his communication. Girls feel such insecurity very well, and they quickly become bored and uninterested.

For example, you say to yourself: I like this girl. At the meeting, I want her to be interested in me. I want to get close to her and kiss her. Ultimately, I want to have sex with her.

And when the goals are set, you can carry on the conversation in a certain way. What kind of communication can lead to sex? Obviously not a discussion of their hobbies, and who is studying for whom.

Therefore, flirting should be present in your communication. And the initiative of this flirting should come from you.

Interesting topics for a conversation with a girl

• Her appearance. After you greeted her, hugged and kissed her, you can pay attention to her appearance. For example, say that she has a cool topic with an interesting print, and start discussing it, what does this mean. In this case, you drive her into an evaluation framework, and she already begins to think how you like it, and that there may be something wrong with her.)

• extreme sports. Tell her how you do roadjumping, how cool it is and how you feel about it. Let her try it too. Your girlfriend will imagine all this and begin to experience emotions. What's the most important thing on a date? Emotions!

• Tell me about some cool or interesting case from your life in which you ended up with your girlfriend. That is, you talk about the situation and, as if in passing, mention that there is at least one other woman in your life. This immediately creates competition for you in the girl's head. For example: a friend drove me on a date, and we saw such a terrible accident .. and then blah blah blah ... the emphasis is on the incident, but the girl will immediately notice that you have a friend who also does something for you.

• Ask, How would she behave in a given situation?. An example of a situation should also be with a provocation. For example, you are sitting in some institution, and you ask: how would you behave if that girl over there came up to me now and invited me to dance? It doesn't matter what she says. The main thing is that the necessary mental image has already been created in her head, which also works for competition for you.

• Tell me about travel. Where have you been and what have you seen. About the most memorable moments. Ask her the same. By the way, this is a good test of a girl. Usually, people who have never been anywhere, and they don’t even have such a desire, turn out to be quite closed and boring. Why do you want a girl who doesn't care about much?

Topics for talking with a girl in VK

I do not recommend tightening. Try to take the girl's phone number as soon as possible and arrange to meet in real life. In VK it is quite difficult to maintain a conversation at the right degree, and it is pointless. If a girl does not give a number and breaks down, forget about her and go to another one.

How to communicate with a girl

An equally important point. After all, if you use all of the above points, but you are insecure and boring, then no, even super interesting and intriguing topics for conversation will help you. So remember, it's not even important WHAT speak, and HOW talk.

Talk to a girl confidently. Don't fawn over her. Don't try to please her.

Imagine that during your communication, on a mental level, you give her a gift. In the form of positive energy, good mood, interesting information. See how her reaction has changed.

As you gain experience, you will have less and less questions about how to find topics for a conversation with a girl in real life, on the Internet, on VK, on ​​the phone Yes, in all situations. It's like boxing. When you first come to a workout, your hands do not obey, everything turns out barely. But after a few months of regular training, you already have a blow, you defend well, and you don’t think about your every action. So here, you stop worrying about how to start a conversation and what you can talk about with a girl.

Ran out of topics for communication with a girl?

Keep a few more options:

• Ask about a dream.
• About being able to cook. Here you can have a good joke)
• "What do you want to be when you grow up?")
• Talk about women's and men's fashion.

That's all. Good luck!

There are situations when you need to keep up a conversation with a person whom you see for the first time. Not only do you have to somehow start a conversation, but you still need to somehow continue it. It is even worse if you have to conduct a dialogue with an interlocutor who is absolutely not interesting to you. What to do when the conversation, to put it mildly, does not stick?

What I see, I sing about

Look around. What is around you at this moment? Any phrase can become a stick that kindles a fire of conversation: about the design of the room in which you are, about what is happening outside the window, or even the question “what is the password for wi-fi”.

Classic example: “It’s lovely weather today, isn’t it?”. The main thing - and in no case do not complain. When you see a person for the first time, this is not the best time to express any negative.

Search for common interests

To be aware of the events taking place in the world means to be able to maintain a conversation with any person. It's a good idea to review the day's or last week's briefings before the meeting.

They will become a real "lifeline" of your conversation. If suddenly there is an awkward pause, you can choose some event and ask the interlocutor's opinion about it. As a last resort - to tell the details and enlighten the same person about what is happening in the world.

Right questions - right answers

You should try to ask such questions that you can get extensive answers to them. Options such as: “what are you fond of” or “what do you do in life” are suitable.

Such questions help a person to focus on a single object. It could be home, work, family, hobbies. The interlocutor feels more relaxed, talking on topics familiar and close to him.

Language will bring to Kiev

Asking questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” gives you an added advantage. All that is required is to listen carefully to the interlocutor. Since on the basis of the received answer it will be possible to form new leading questions.

Initiative is not punishable

If the "partisan" continues to stubbornly remain silent, it's time to take your own initiative. We begin to bombard the interlocutor with questions in order to find out as much information about him as possible: about his hobbies, interests, worldview, habits.

It's no secret that each of us loves to amuse his ego, so once again he is unlikely to refuse his beloved. Here are some good questions: “What books do you read?”, “The Internet resources you most visit?”, “What are your hobbies?”. They will help to learn a lot about a person and bring the conversation out of the pit of silence.

Let's play with facial expressions

Listen to the interlocutor and play along with him. If he's trying to be funny, even if it's not funny, at least smile. There's no need to be wildly enthusiastic if you don't care who won Chelsea or Spartak, but raising your eyebrows a little isn't that hard.

However, this medal also has a downside. There are comrades who, as soon as you start listening to them attentively, abruptly change the topic of conversation or even at all. Thus, there may again be an awkward pause.

What to do when all efforts to keep the conversation coming to naught?

There is no chance. You can relax and state this fact with a calm soul with the phrase a la: “Come on garlic: something the conversation is not going well today.” Of course, this is a last resort. But it can work!

Personally, I will take note of this interesting method. And you?