Desire to be liked. Excessive desire to please everyone can have the exact opposite effect.

30.04.2021

The desire to please everyone turns into the fact that life turns into a process of maintaining the image of a pleasant and trouble-free person. By doing good deeds not on your own initiative, but at the incessant requests, you risk not finding time to build your life.

If you try to please everyone, then people will shamelessly use it. Help, tell me, listen, do it for me, finally. You won't give up, right? Otherwise, they might think badly of you.

Stop. Is this really what you want out of life? Stop thinking about how to make others happy and focus on what you need. It's time to shift the focus from others to yourself. After all, you can't improve your own life when you're too busy with other people's problems.

How to get rid of the desire to please everyone and everyone?

1. Learn to say "no" and don't make excuses for it. For example, a husband wants his whole family to come to the New Year's celebration, and you simply cannot resist him. Say, "I'm sorry, dear, but this large number of people is unbearable for me."

Does your best friend want you to go to a nightclub with him? Say, “No thanks. It's just not my place." As a general rule, a simple “no, thanks” works great in most situations. Be polite but firm. You will be surprised - the world will not collapse from your refusal.

2. Ask yourself what do you want. If you're going to the movies and most of the people in the group want to see a particular movie and you'd like to see something else, say so! This does not mean that you will watch the movie you want. But who knows, maybe there are other people in the group who would rather watch it with you.

There is nothing wrong with expressing your opinion. Just remind people that you are a person with your own preferences.

Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel like you are doing a lot for others and they are not doing anything for you, it may be because you haven't expressed your needs or desires. It is unfair to force people to "pull out" your preferences with pincers.

3. Do something for yourself. Buy an extravagant thing that you have long wanted, but were afraid that relatives or colleagues would not like it. Color your hair. Sign up for a strip dance class.

Whatever you do, do it for yourself without worrying about what others think. Other people's opinions are one of the important factors in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor.

4. Look for compromises. No need to try to be a complete egocentric. Sometimes the needs of other people have to come first. Whenever there is a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will be the golden mean between your own and someone else's needs. Even better is a win-win situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.

5. Examine your fears. Are they real? Are they really that terrible? For example, you may be afraid of being alone unless you are gentle and accommodating. Isn't it time to open the doors and get out of this self-imposed prison?

6. Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. Of course, it is noble to help others, but it is a right, not a duty. Great acts of kindness were done by choice, not out of fear or guilt.

The readiness to help others should take place only after you have helped yourself.

7. Find a source. Many people-pleasers grew up in families where their needs and feelings were relegated to the background. Their opinion was not considered, or even ridiculed.

Here is a sample list of questions that will allow you to identify the source of the problem:

Have you always expected, anticipated, and sought to cater to the needs of other family members?
Did you have the moral support of relatives and a "sense of elbow" at a young age?
Have you learned that the only way to get approval is to do what others want you to do?
If you didn't do it your way, were you shamed and scolded?

You will never reach your full potential as a person if you are constantly held captive by other people's expectations. In the end, you will be valued not for your merits, but for the number of tasks that you can complete. Do you need it for a comfortable life or not - decide for yourself.

Do you want to be liked?

Do you like suicides?

Do not like.

Therefore, you want to be suicidal, and you don't like suicidal people.

The desire to please destroys the personality. In the language of stress, it means suicide. The stronger the desire to please everyone, the sooner physical suicide occurs. An alternative to it may be a misfortune in which a person falls by the will of circumstances, for example, an emergency, a traffic accident, a natural disaster. Isn't drunk driving a suicide? And driving in a state of mental emptiness - isn't that suicide? And the desire not to live - isn't that suicide? Suicide.

A positive way of thinking, that is, a way of thinking subordinate to the desire to please, which is expressed in pleasant behavior, tends to embellish the form in order to please the eye, but not the soul. As a result, content is lost.

Watch how exhausted you become in the evening if you have been trying to please others throughout the day. You wished to improve the quality of your life, but this did not succeed, despite the fact that your desire to be liked liked most of those with whom you met during the day. They responded to you in the same way, but you feel that you could not open your soul to any of them. You can say that everything is fine, even believe in it yourself, but your heart is anxious. Go headlong into entertainment, then to forget yourself in a heavy dream. It becomes increasingly difficult to fall asleep without alcohol or sedatives.

In the morning, everything starts all over again and so on, until the cup of patience overflows. I can't anymore because I don't want to. The disease shows what this time the desire to please turned out to be. Guilt, sadness, and self-pity take their toll.

Guilt causes a feeling of fatigue, depression, apathy.

sadness causes feeling of heaviness.

In whatever sense you use the word "heavy", it always means sadness, which is born from helplessness in resolving a problem. The soul becomes heavy, the body becomes heavier, the head, arms, legs, bag, work become heavy. Not to mention the hardships for which there is not enough strength. All this means that a person does not find a way out, does not know how to solve his problems, since his head is blocked by fear. To put it simply, he does not know how to live like a human being, he wants to achieve everything by force.

You may object that this multi-ton heaviness will not become easier if I release my sadness. She won’t, but she will feel better at heart, and this will allow her to come up with a way to dump this multi-ton burden. Heaviness will no longer be perceived as heaviness, and there will no longer be reasons to feel sorry for yourself.

The desire to please is a life dominated by feelings , which means life in a purely material world. The word "feeling" is used in different forms, different combinations, different contexts. Feel, feeling, sensual, sensitive, insensitive, insensitive, storm of feelings, expression of feelings, sense organs, deceived feelings, clouding of feelings, elevated feelings, mundane feelings, sense of humor, losing feelings and many others.

I gave these examples not because I doubt your knowledge of the language. This vocabulary proves the limitations of our vision of the world.

For a person who lives with feelings, the desire to please is natural, it never occurs to him that it is possible to live differently. He is ready to constantly smile with the most charming smile, make enthusiastic speeches with pathos, accept with gratitude everything that is given to him - the main thing is not to offend anyone. He tries to catch your slightest desire in order to immediately fulfill it. And if he cannot or does not want to fulfill these desires, he has extremely weighty reasons that do not depend on him, about which he trumpets around, so that no one thinks bad of him.

He readily accepts what is given to him, but reluctantly shares his hard-earned money. For all his eloquence and inclination to instructions, you will not hear truly practical advice from him, because he does not dare and does not want to take responsibility for himself. Some well-mannered courtesies - nothing worthwhile or sensible. Behind all this lies purely business calculation- do not speak badly about anyone in case the services of this person are suddenly needed. He can be so saturated with his desire to please that he becomes childishly naive. I am describing a person with an extreme desire to please, because I hope that this description will help you find the same traits in yourself.

When those who want to please fall ill, it’s just trouble with them - they don't accept help. The swamps themselves are sucked in by the swamp, and they call for help in an undertone, so that no one can later say that they were yelling with a good obscenity.

If you reach out to them and say simply: " grab", dispensing with special formulas of politeness, they twist their mouths contemptuously and refuse to help. And so that you do not get the feeling that they despise you, they turn their heads away, as if they do not see or hear anything. When you, knowing what everyone ends, you fall on your knees at the edge of the bog and scream for them to grab your hand, they stretch out their little hand with a gracious smile so that you feel that it is they favored you. In fact, it is not the person himself who behaves this way, but his stress. If a person could see himself from the outside, what he saw would amaze him, and he would begin to correct himself.

Stress is a force that subjugates a good person and makes him do what he would not want to do under any circumstances.

Desire breeds other desires. The stronger the desire to please, the more a person neglects family and loved ones, trying to please the whole world. The larger the crowd that praises a certain person, the more likely it is that he has no family. Either it doesn't exist anymore, or it didn't exist at all, since the desire to please was so great from childhood that it prevented me from engaging in human trifles. The desire to please does not make it possible to realize from which end life begins.

People who are unable to establish their own lives and raise a family often declare that they have fundamentally devoted themselves to the service of society. Listeners look at such an extraordinary person with loving eyes and choose him as their representative. The desire to be liked is the stress that brings people of the same type together. Both parties soon become disillusioned with each other, for it is impossible to live life trying to please. This means that if the mind is ready to conduct an objective, honest conversation about real, practical things, then under the influence of stress, the lips of a person sing a subjective song of praise. Subsequently, he may be ashamed of his praise, but the word is not a sparrow.

So desire to please people makes a person a popular tribune, even if God did not give him the qualities of a leader, or even a representative of power. A representative of power, who wants to please the people, makes wonderful promises to the population that cannot be fulfilled, because no leader can make the whole crowd happy in one fell swoop. However, the people are waiting and demanding their own, without thinking about wanting the impossible. The people want the leader to be, first of all, sympathetic, that is, one that they like. Popular discontent shakes the position of the leader, while the leader begins to defend his seat by the power of his power. Without wanting it himself, he brings death to the very people whom until recently he wanted to please. At the same time, the people are cracking down on the leader, whom they liked not so long ago.

THE DESIRE TO PLEASE HAS THE FOLLOWING:

1. who wants to be liked is likened to an object of adoration:

a) partial assimilation- the desire to achieve external similarity,

b) complete assimilation- striving for both external and spiritual similarity;

2. who wants to be liked is likened to several idols:

a) both spiritual and physical fragmentation of oneself,

b) dispersing oneself among those who want to please.

I. Desire to please neighbor turns out to be man is likened to this neighbor . This means that a person ceases to be himself, that is, a person. At first, the similarity is limited to changes in the wardrobe and appearance. As a rule, a person becomes more beautiful. This change is voluntary, conscious. This is followed by imitation in posture, manners, behavior, sophistication, dexterity, talent and other external qualities. Ape becomes an end in itself. The monkey represents the energy of obsession with a higher goal. , and therefore the word "monkey" is quite appropriate here. People usually do not notice the loss of their identity, and if they did, then from fright, many of them would become themselves.

I'll add a clarification: the monkey represents the desire to become a man and the fear that she will not succeed .

If a person knew how much he is changing, then most likely he would not want to like anyone at all. The figure changes the slowest in an adult. Changes in the functions of organs and tissues occur faster. For example, increased hair growth in women and its thinning in men occurs as if by itself, when people want to please the opposite sex, but in order to return to their previous normal state, serious work on oneself is required.

II. desire to please two people simultaneously breaks a man in half . When these two, let's say, mother and father, do not get along with each other, a person can be overcome by despair. The desire to please forces a person to carefully observe those around him in order to catch the slightest shade of mood and behave to match him. It's not that hard. Difficulties begin in situations such as when a person who wants to be liked, in a conversation with an authoritative person, enthusiastically agrees with him and praises his verbal gift in every possible way, and then another authoritative person suddenly appears. If both authorities are at odds with each other, those who want to please have a very hard time.

It is easy to like if these two are on friendly terms, but the result can be very deplorable, because the three of them create such a sugary-sweet world around them that other people do not accept it. A child who wants to please his parents builds castles in the air, but then other children appear and are more ruthless than anyone else, destroying the created beauty. Sincerity does not allow them to indulge in the growth of lies, while good people do not understand this.

Protecting their own child from bad children for whatever reason, parents do him a disservice. In such sterile conditions, in isolation from experiences and trials, the child is deprived of the opportunity to understand his mistakes. For whom the desire to please is more important than his own life, he destroys himself. Often, parents cannot get enough of what a good child they have, and even after his death they cannot understand that the child sacrificed himself - the main thing is that parents feel good. They are looking for those responsible for the death of a child on the side.

What parents are, such is for the child and the world around. The suffering experienced in the parental home continues throughout life, until the child finds himself. Parents who don't get along openly cause a willing child to please visible to the eye illness. Parents in conflict covertly cause a child wanting to please, hidden suffering. Sooner or later, these sufferings turn into the same diseases.

III. desire to please many leads to convulsive throwing . Fear forces you to make a choice. Whoever wants to be liked by the good ones begins to criticize the bad ones. If the good ones do not accept his good aspirations, and meanwhile it turns out that one of the bad people shows warm feelings and care towards him, then he is seized by a desire to please the bad ones, and he inevitably begins to criticize the good ones.

The person who wants to be liked is very likely an overactive champion of human well-being who, as long as he does not go to extremes, is loved by people. The desire to please many gives rise to a herd culture - clans, parties, sects, organizations, headed by people with tireless energy, always ready to prove that the truth is on their side and that together with their comrades-in-arms they are doing a good deed. Because they are the best of the best.

IV. desire to please everyone leads to extreme dispersion of one's own spiritual energy . The stronger the desire, the more a person is scattered spiritually, the result of which is a complete inner - spiritual - emptiness. Life loses its value and meaning, only a big and unattainable goal remains. Imagine that you suddenly wished to be liked by all your people or, moreover, by all mankind. You would have to rush about, giving away handfuls of yourself to please the takers, until you are completely exhausted.

Emptiness has no weight. The opposite of spiritual emptiness is physical lead heaviness. In a person in this state, the weight of the body becomes heavier many times over. So much so that no means can be found to tear it off the earth's surface and keep it in the air. He is doomed to turn to dust.

Such a person is characterized by unbridled activity and crazy plans. Having created a more or less well-known name for himself, he considers he has the right to demand that even more favorable conditions be created for him, and if his desire is not fulfilled, despair arises that sends him to the other world.

A person in such a state should not drive, climb scaffolding, step on walkways and a suspension bridge, he should not do gymnastics, jump, swing, and also engage in other sports that require dexterity and involve risk. . In any case, not earlier than the state of spiritual emptiness passes. You shouldn't be flying or traveling on a ship. Why? Because spiritual death can be avoided. Physical death is irreversible.

When a certain number of people are on board the aircraft who want to please everyone, for example, the whole world, then such an aircraft gets into a plane crash. Why? Because the wasted spiritual energy forms a void, which is filled with physical energy. There is a repeated incredible heaviness, which only the earth is able to withstand.

The desire to please everyone and everyone thus says that in the coffin you will be liked by everyone, because then neither you will evaluate others, nor they will evaluate you. And if you are still evaluated, you are neither hot nor cold from this.

Unexplained car and air accidents, mysterious shipwrecks, falls that cannot be rationally explained, strange lightning-fast diseases with a fatal outcome - this is what leads desire to please everyone. Anyone who says it was suicide is right. Whoever says that it was not suicide is also right.

In the spiritual sense it was suicide, but in the physical sense it was not thought of as suicide. Why kill if the person was already dead? In hindsight, you can blame anyone, because in the material world it is customary to seek out the guilty in order to punish him. Better think ahead, so that because of your death no one would be guilty without guilt. If you release the desire to please everyone, you will not find yourself in the company of those who, with their desire to please everyone, put both their own lives and the lives of others at risk.

Wanting to please others, a person adapts to them, which means that he stops living his own life, turns into an errand boy, laughs with someone else's laughter and cries with someone else's tears. And so, until despair comes - a person realizes that life has been lived in vain. Unfortunately, the proper conclusions are not drawn from the first crisis, although it does not go unnoticed by everyone, including those involved themselves, that a kind-hearted person in the recent past has become an unfriendly and cruel creature, pursuing a goal by any means. Some call it from old memory heart, for knew he is so, others call him heartless, because he is so appeared in front of new friends.

The more famous such a person is, the more people want to like him, and no one wants to tell him the truth in his face in order to avoid trouble.

A person feels that he is doing good to people, but they do not appreciate him, and this hardens him. At first, he experiences a cold indifference to those weaker than himself, but showers the stronger with rude abuse. The hour is not far off when he will leave a man who has fallen without strength to die on the ground, and a strong man, rushing ahead, will be laid down on the spot with a shot from a revolver. When such a misfortune happens, no one will remember that this person was once a meek, willing to please creature, not capable of offending a fly. And no one knows that everything is to blame for stress that could have been released a long time ago.

The stronger the desire to please everyone, the more destructive despair. The maximum degree of despair is called insanity. Life is no longer sweet for a mad man. So that in the spiritual sense, a person has no feelings for anything, but in the physical sense, without feelings, that is, in a state of madness, one cannot live in any way.

When in newspapers or magazines I come across another article describing the merits of a famous figure - our contemporary or historical figure - and setting us as an example of him crazy talents, crazy performance, crazy ability to love crazy fantasy, willingness to sacrifice my life in the name of creating something unprecedented, great and powerful, I am overcome by despair. I haven't learned how to respond to idealization of madness.

We try to please, so that we are not repulsed, not rejected, so that what we have given is accepted. Especially if the gift has value, and even more so spiritual or spiritual value, because the rejection of such values hurts the most. Such humiliation, which the giver is forced to endure in silence, contributes to the development of cancer. Therefore, we try to please the more, the more we are afraid of harming ourselves. If we could release our desire to please, we would be able to give our gifts in such a way that they would be received. And if they didn't, it wouldn't bother us. As givers, we would understand that the neighbor turned out to be yet not ready to accept our offering, because he continues to look at the world through the prism of his egoism in the old fashioned way. I experienced this myself and to this day I am working on myself so that later I would not have to blame people who, not knowing either me or my work, make me their enemy. I will not hide, working on oneself is a constant and hard work.

Everyone should know that a one-sided material vision of the world, i.e. perception feelings, determines a lot, and this need to consider . Saying whatever comes to mind is madness. No one wants to hear such nonsense. Including those who themselves are used to talking nonsense indiscriminately. The desire to please with excessive rhetoric is the same madness. The more you release the desire to be liked by everyone, the freer and clearer the expressions that you express yourself become for everyone. You will be able not to lose dignity and to express everything that is needed without offense for anyone. Your words will probably be perceived differently by everyone, because everyone has their own ideas, but not a single soul will be offended by you. Thanks to this, you will be listened to next time, and then you will be able to say something else.

Everyone has a desire to please everyone. The main thing is that it does not overflow.

An example from life.

When I explained all this to the woman who came to the reception, she turned visibly pale. During the past week, although she was an exemplary driver, she twice behaved behind the wheel in such a way that one could only wonder how she managed to survive at all. For the first time, it was as if an eclipse came over her, and she drove through a red light at the intersection. A couple of days later, seeing a red light, she pressed on the gas with all her might. As if some unknown force was pushing her to commit reckless actions. A bad premonition settled in her subconscious - God loves a trinity, but she did not know how to protect herself, except for fear. My words were explained to her, and the tension was removed.

The woman devastated herself so much, torn between home and work, that she began to perceive everyone as deliberately interfering with her, not realizing that the fault of everything was her overgrown desire to please with all her hard work. The desire to be liked has become a kind of purpose of life. who ordered to step on the gas. When a person is driven by desire, he does not perceive the warning signals that life sends him. A person hopes that, they say, I will try a little more, and then I will certainly begin to like it, and this hope makes him blind and deaf and deprives him of the ability to think logically. You can blame others in hindsight, but you can't get back what's been lost.

The release of the desire to please helps a person to find himself again.

The desire to please one person can imperceptibly develop into a desire to please everyone.

The desire to be liked by everyone can turn into a desire to be liked by one person, if he becomes sympathetic to a person. The more you want to please this one, the more you try to guess what exactly he likes and do as he likes. If he doesn’t like someone, because he himself is disappointed in life and considers the world to be bad, then your desire to please this person makes you treat the world in the same way, despite the fact that before meeting him you were a different person. You did not even notice how he begins to manipulate you and, moreover, use you as a means, as a tool to achieve his own goals. In this role, at first you act subconsciously, and later, perhaps already consciously and even voluntarily, because you become like him, adopt a hostile attitude towards life.

At first, it seems to you that you and him are waging a noble fight against evil, but over time, both of you become embittered and, quite likely, even become criminals. Maybe small ones, who are hung up on the gallows, or maybe large ones, who drive around in luxurious carriages.

Do not count all the options that are when life brings two people on the same path. Whoever becomes a criminal in the literal sense of the word is punished by an earthly court, and whoever in a figurative sense is punished by a spiritual court, or, to put it differently, a disease overtakes a person. It does not matter either the gender of a person, or age, or position in society - the desire to please manifests itself in a fundamentally the same way in relation to all.

Sooner or later you feel that this person does not like you. The stronger the desire to please was, the sharper the reverse turn occurs - it flashes unwillingness to please if you feel that all efforts to please are unsuccessful. A feeling is a feeling, it is not always trusted if it cannot be seen with the eyes, heard with the ears, or touched with the hands. But if someone proves that your idol does not like you, you give up and immediately believe, and this turns your whole life upside down. You didn’t even need to see with your own eyes or touch it with your hand - you believed the unfounded statement. And whether there is even a particle of truth in these words, you have not thought about it.

A frightened person who wants to be liked takes everything on faith, and they use it. Flattering, cunningly constructed speeches are woven for him, and he believes everything. And if he sees, in confirmation of these words, how his idol greets someone on the street, or comes to someone's aid, has a conversation with someone, or appears accompanied by someone, a fire of blind jealousy flares up in his soul. The desire to be liked turns into hatred.

The desire to please and ostentatious loyalty go hand in hand. A person with a little bit of life experience feels when true fidelity becomes ostentatious. Fear of being betrayed and the fear that it might be because they don't like me reinforce each other.

Fact confirmed one sense organ, can turn into an explosion others, and it will seem to you that you have heard, seen, smelled or touched something similar before. If you don’t understand how flawed your logic is, then you throw out your indignation in the idol’s face, and he most likely says that it he does not like. You take it as if he said that You he doesn't like it. After all, you tend to identify a person with his behavior, and you do not realize that in the idol you also see only yourself.

The more he tries to prove that you are wrong, the more you get hung up on your obsession - you already know for sure that he does not like you. You have already armed yourself with reliable facts, not realizing that the physical level is not everything. You don't want to listen to any explanation. So your desire to please more and more develops into an unwillingness to please. You can, gritting your teeth, continue to conduct common business affairs if you are tied by material values, but your desire to please this person is gradually replaced desire to please another or others, but not him. You take revenge on him so - and this revenge sweet- that you seek the love of another. Take revenge for the fact that your suffering was not appreciated by him. Not needing evaluations, you want to be appreciated, that is, not needing unhappiness, you want unhappiness.

Everyone's desire to be liked begins with their parents. It comes from the desire to please the mother. If a mother is unable to love her husband in the first place, then it seems to her that her husband does not love her, and she tries to please the child so that at least he loves her. In gratitude, the child tries to please the mother, because the mother likes it.

Often the mother does not realize that the desire to please the child is caused by annoyance and is the desire to take revenge on the husband for what the husband is not really to blame. In fact, this revenge is directed against the male principle, and the child becomes a hostage of revenge, since revenge affects the left side of the body, head, mind, logic, skeleton, will, lymph, etc. The longer the mother manages to please the child, the better the child is - which of the children will not try to be good in exchange for maternal love and affection.

We all we know what kindness repay kindness. Who tried to repay, he probably felt on yourself that it is impossible to repay the debt of gratitude. But revenge is possible.

There is nothing special about the fact that a woman disappointed in love wants to take revenge on a man. If he does not succeed personally, the thirst for revenge is automatically transferred to the child. Since the child is the means by which a woman intended to bind a man to her and remake him according to her own measurements, if this failed, the child is to blame. As a result, a mother who wants to please her child, after a divorce, is accepted take revenge on a child . Moreover, if she wishes to acquire a new husband, the child will become an insurmountable obstacle in her eyes. Most of these mothers, entangled in spiritual contradictions, continue to raise their children further, not knowing how to love them, and some leave their children to their fate. In both cases, children want to please the mother so that the mother is not bad so that the mother begins to live with the father, so that the mother takes them back to her, etc. In such children, the readiness for self-sacrifice is especially great.

I am not surprised when I hear statements from women that are uttered without hesitation even in the presence of a child - "Uh that's not my child. He is all like his father!" or " I don't understand who he was born into. Neither mother nor father! I always knew it". Such statements act on a child who is tired of earning love, like lashes, hitting him to the very soul. The more seriously he becomes ill after that, the more he hopes to at least in this way arouse love for himself - maybe even the patient will be loved. The child judges by himself. After all, he himself treats with tremulous participation the ailing, defenseless brothers of our smaller ones, surrounds them with care and affection, so that the patient feels good. Therefore, he counts on the same attitude towards himself. a pipe dream turns into a hopelessness. Such a child has no hope of a cure.

Trying to draw my mother's attention to her mistakes, I ask: " Do you even understand what you just said?"Instead of an answer, an attack often follows:" I know very well how you feel about me!"Mother is ready to defend her rights.

A woman who is constantly in a state of self-defense due to uncorrected mistakes and feelings of guilt does not understand that she is making more and more mistakes, but she cannot be told about this, because an irritated person is explosive. Wishing like me and knowing that I do not like her, she is not able to understand that I am bad for her behavior, and not for herself. She identifies a person with his act and is convinced that I do too.

After meeting such people, I ask myself: " Does it even make sense to instruct them?"What I give is not included in the compulsory school curriculum, against which there is an automatic protest. I am not imposed on anyone. Instead of luring people, I explain to them that it would be better to start taking care of themselves. Unfortunately, man, who is in trouble, behaves like a bull that has fallen into a well. First of all, he will horn the one who tries to rescue him from there. Sympathizing with such a person, I feel how much help he needs. Not knowing how to accept help, he is angry with himself, but pours out anger at others, including myself.Every time I am again convinced that you need to instruct, but in such a way as not to harm yourself. Mastering the art of mentoring is no easy task.

For the sake of the happiness of their parents, children are ready for anything, even for death. Every child feels with his soul whether this will be useful or not. If children see this as the last chance, but it does not bring any benefit, then some of them do not return to life, and whoever returns, his desire to please his parents develops into unwillingness to please parents and it will only get stronger. At the moment when this stress becomes exorbitant, such a child is able to kill his mother or father in order to please the world. More precisely, it is not the child himself who nails, but his desire to please the world. In order to then realize that the world does not like him, nevertheless.

Desire to please everyone hurts the most famous people, eminent people. A little bit of fame, and now they are already working with tragic desperation, which delights emotional fans. As a result, their circle expands. Passions run high, praise is heard from everywhere, a person proudly turns up his nose and stops looking at his feet. Whoever does not look does not see that every upswing is followed by a downturn. This is the natural rhythm of life.

Celebrities don't have a life rhythm. They are circling in a disastrous hellish wheel, from which a person must escape on his own. The people around you can only help. " Better to burn than smolder!"- is pronounced in self-praise and self-justification. If a person chooses such a life, then when he dies, there is no need to look for those responsible for his death. In his death, each person is always guilty himself. It was his fate that sent him at this time to this very place where he found his end. He had the opportunity to choose another path, but he chose this one.

The atheist hates the fatalist, the one who believes in fate, because the fatalists sit back and wait to see what fate has in store. I spoke about fate so that you understand that destiny can be fixed, eliminating the cause, and not shifting responsibility for the consequence to others. Do not take what has been said as an excuse for crime, indifference, negligence, laziness, gloating and everything else that serves as fertile ground for the occurrence of fatal consequences. If you are driving a land, water or air vehicle and among the passengers there is someone who has lost the will to live, while you yourself - a lazy person who expects others to look after the vehicle, then both of you perish, because your thought was destructive.

No less destructive is the desire to become famous, to please everyone. This desire forces you to find ways to become famous and how to please people. Children know from childhood what they want to be when they grow up. As a rule, these are professions leading to fame. If dreams do not come true - and for most do not come true - a person experiences unremitting despair from the inability to please. If in the service this despair is hidden with all his might, then, having come home, a person brings it down in the form of anger on his family, who are guilty of the fact that the desire did not come true. Women's anger is expressed in squeals and screams, men's - in assault and collapse of furniture. Both spouses have a way out - to leave such a family.

Children have to choose one of two:

keep everything to yourself and get sick. To get sick for a very long time and hard, until death comes to the rescue;
let everything pass by and become insensitive, so that one day you can grin in the face of a screamer, turn around with stupid indifference in your soul and go wherever your eyes look.

It is scary to look at a sick child, whom only his parents could really help, but they do not help, because they do not admit their own guilt. But it is even more terrible to look at a physically healthy and at the same time completely insensitive child. Recently, a young prisoner said to me in an absolutely calm voice: " I don't have any feelings at all He didn't lament or complain. He couldn't feel, because he really was insensitive. He could sit for hours on end without thinking about anything, just like a saint. A saint in such a state is completely concentrated on himself, he is completely given over to the free soaring of the spirit, sensation, nirvana. This young man felt as if he was not there. This meant complete spiritual stagnation. Thanks to this prisoner, I gained a deeper understanding of insensitivity, whereas before this problem did not seem to me particularly important. Why? Because this problem did not concern me.

I said: " You have all the makings to be happy. Put everything in motion. Start passing everything through yourself, and yourself through everything, and you will become who you really are.". For a minute he looked at me attentively, weighing what he heard, and suddenly live sparks lit up in his eyes. He must have been quite surprised to find warm feelings in himself. Another second, and he had already taken cover behind the familiar impenetrable shell of self-defense. he was made suffering, the cause of which is the desire to please.

There are many ways to please. Nowadays, a person is most often driven by desire to be liked by one's hard work. It has become fashionable to live in the name of work, in the name of labor glory and honor. The public welcomes this and sets a hard-working person as an example to idlers. It never occurs to any of the good people that praising a workaholic, awarding him honorary titles and awarding him medals is detrimental to him.

It's like egging on a person behind the wheel, already exceeding the speed limit. He bit the bit already. If at first he made increased demands on himself, created the conditions necessary for him to work, then later he makes the same demands on others in order to emphasize his own abilities and diligence. Physical hyperactivity, both in sports and in work, turns into nothing more than spiritual emptiness and dissatisfaction with oneself, as well as others. The slightest obstacle to empowerment can be fatal.

If, in addition to the desire to be liked by one's industriousness, a person experiences desire to be liked by your punctuality, he is all tense, like a stretched string. And if there is also desire to please rational use of time, his life turns into a tragedy, as those around him endlessly ruin the daily routine thought out by the minute, confusing all plans. If a person wants to please society, he pours out his anger on his family. If the family does not want quarrels, they will walk in constant tension along the line, but they may not like it, because anger cannot be overcome without conflict. If a person wants to please his family, he takes out his anger on strangers.

Since society does not like bad people, a person is quickly put in his place, and if he wants to survive, he has to remake himself. How sick he is from such a forced situation will become clear later.

He who wants to be liked wants to be liked by his neighbor. It is considered natural that If I fit in with you, then you should fit in with me. A person who has voluntarily become a slave demands from his neighbor that he, in gratitude, also become a slave. . He who wants to please can be a beautiful person, masking his aspirations with softness and pliability. If I like it, we can like each other indefinitely and become so similar that we will be considered twins.

An example from life.

When I was a gynecologist, I had to deal with such patients. It seemed to them that no one loves them, and therefore they loved each other to self-forgetfulness. They didn't have families. When I removed an ovarian cyst from one, a friend surrounded the patient with truly maternal care. A couple of months later, I discovered the same pathology in her, and she beamed with joy. She was happy that her friend did not have to suffer more than herself.

I was amazed, because at that time I did not understand such things. I only managed to say that the ways of the Lord are inscrutable, and cut out the cyst.

I was a good doctor, liked by both patients but not by myself. Why? Because I felt that this disease could be cured in a different way. Since the patients wanted to get rid of the disease as soon as possible and the medical way of thinking dictated the same to me, I did my job, but a splinter remained in my soul to this day. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't remember this incident.

In this way, always blaming myself for everything and, as a good person, trying to live their lives for others, I accumulated a lot of rubbish in my soul and have not been able to get rid of it to this day.

Usually things don't go to such extremes. Who does not achieve his goal, he is offended. At first, he endures insults silently, and if his neighbor does not show zeal, he splashes insults right in his face. He is to blame, because he did not appreciate my suffering. Such crises are most typical for relationships between men and women. I have heard women complain: He promised to wear it in his arms, and now look what he has become!"This is still the most delicate of the replicas. In turn, the husbands complain:" Promised to be a good wife, but where is it". In both cases, the one who promises, runs away from the one who waits. Who runs into the mud, who goes to heaven, who laments and runs along the earthly road away. Promising the absolutely impossible means inviting great trouble on yourself.

The desire to please with its delicacy, consideration of other people's needs, non-interference in other people's affairs like a cat walking around hot porridge - he is ridiculed, they do not count on him, and therefore they do not come to his aid. Such a life also leads to despair. He who wants to please feels that in politeness and delicacy lead to nothing good. Another took and impudently appropriated what I worshiped so much. So a man's wife is taken away or his husband is taken away, so he loses a profitable position or social position.

Who wants to please with shame, which in hindsight becomes even more ashamed. The person feels deceived although there was no agreement. No wonder that a feeling of unfair treatment gives rise to a desire for revenge. Now count how many severe stresses were mentioned above caused by the desire to please, but it was only about wanting to be liked by your delicacy.

Spirit is complete contentment, in constant motion and development.

When utter dissatisfaction arises, death occurs.

It's bad when a person sinks into depression. Much worse hyperactivity. Every person should love their neighbors at least enough to prevent people from their inner circle from going to the extreme and saying: " Enough! It's time to come to your senses, otherwise you'll be lost"Perhaps someone will call you bad because of this, but you saved a person's life, and someday he will admit it. He realizes that the desire to please turns a person into a jester who carries water like at work, as well as during leisure hours, both in the tavern and in the church.

If during leisure or in a tavern - the trouble is small, but if at work and in church - it's bad. There is this expression: be pleasing to God and please God". The meaning is clear without words, because everyone understands that God does not evaluate his children either by their obsequiousness or by the amount of donations. This is a human invention that discredits the essence of the Lord.

About wanting to be liked

So desire to please people makes a person a popular tribune, even if God did not give him the qualities of a leader, or even a representative of power. A representative of power, who wants to please the people, makes wonderful promises to the population that cannot be fulfilled, because no leader can make the whole crowd happy in one fell swoop. However, the people are waiting and demanding their own, without thinking that he desires the impossible. The people want the leader to be, first of all, sympathetic, that is, one that they like. Popular discontent shakes the position of the leader, while the leader begins to defend his seat by the power of his power. Without wanting it himself, he brings death to the very people whom until recently he wanted to please. At the same time, the people are cracking down on the leader, whom they liked not so long ago.

THE DESIRE TO PLEASE HAS THE FOLLOWING:

1. The one who wants to be liked is likened to the object of adoration:

a) partial assimilation - the desire to achieve external similarity;

b) full assimilation - striving for both external and spiritual similarity.

2. He who wants to be liked is likened to several idols:

a) both spiritual and physical fragmentation of oneself;

b) dispersing oneself among those who want to please.

I. Desire to please neighborturns out to be man is likened to this neighbor. This means that a person ceases to be himself, that is, a person. At first, the similarity is limited to changes in the wardrobe and appearance. As a rule, a person becomes more beautiful. This change is voluntary, conscious. This is followed by imitation in posture, manners, behavior, sophistication, dexterity, talent and other external qualities. Ape becomes an end in itself. The monkey represents the energy of obsession with a higher goal, and therefore the word "monkey" is quite appropriate here. People usually do not notice the loss of their identity, and if they did, then from fright, many of them would become themselves.

I'll add a clarification: the monkey represents the desire to become a man and the fear that she will not succeed.

II. desire to please two peoplesimultaneously breaks a person in half. When these two, let's say, mother and father, do not get along with each other, a person can be overcome by despair. The desire to please forces a person to carefully observe those around him in order to catch the slightest shade of mood and behave to match him. It's not that hard. Difficulties begin in situations such as when a person who wants to be liked, in a conversation with an authoritative person, enthusiastically agrees with him and praises his verbal gift in every possible way, and then another authoritative person suddenly appears. If both authorities are at odds with each other, those who want to please have a very hard time.

What parents are, such is for the child and the world around. The suffering experienced in the parental home continues throughout life, until the child finds himself. Parents who don't get along openly, cause a child who wants to please visible to the eye illness. Parents in conflict covertly, cause a child who wants to please, hidden suffering. Sooner or later, these sufferings turn into the same diseases.

III. desire to please manyleads to convulsive throwing. Fear forces you to make a choice. Whoever wants to be liked by the good ones begins to criticize the bad ones. If the good ones do not accept his good aspirations, and meanwhile it turns out that one of the bad people shows warm feelings and care towards him, then he is seized by a desire to please the bad ones, and he inevitably begins to criticize the good ones.

IV. desire to please everyoneleads to extreme dispersion of one's own spiritual energy. The stronger the desire, the more a person is scattered spiritually, resulting in a complete inner – spiritual – emptiness. Life loses its value and meaning, only a big and unattainable goal remains. Imagine that you suddenly wished to be liked by all your people or, moreover, by all mankind. You would have to rush about, giving away handfuls of yourself to please the takers, until you are completely exhausted.

Unexplained car and air accidents, mysterious shipwrecks, falls that cannot be rationally explained, strange lightning-fast diseases with a fatal outcome - this is what leads to desire to please everyone. Anyone who says it was suicide is right. Whoever says that it was not suicide is also right.

Wanting to please others, a person adapts to them, which means that he stops living his own life, turns into an errand boy, laughs with someone else's laughter and cries with someone else's tears. And so, until despair comes, a person realizes that life has been lived in vain. Unfortunately, the proper conclusions are not drawn from the first crisis, although it does not go unnoticed by everyone, including those involved themselves, that a kind-hearted person in the recent past has become an unfriendly and cruel creature, achieving goals by any means. Some call it from old memory heart, for knew he is so, others call him heartless, because he is so appeared in front of new friends.

The more famous such a person is, the more people want to like him, and no one wants to tell him the truth in his face in order to avoid trouble.

The stronger the desire to please everyone, the more destructive despair.The maximum degree of despair is called insanity. Life is no longer sweet for a mad man. So that in the spiritual sense, a person has no feelings for anything, but in the physical sense, without feelings, that is, in a state of insanity, one cannot live in any way.

When in newspapers or magazines I come across another article describing the virtues of a famous figure - our contemporary or historical figure - and setting us as an example of him crazy talents, crazy performance, crazy ability to love crazy fantasy, willingness to sacrifice my life in the name of creating something unprecedented, great and powerful, I am overcome by despair. I haven't learned how to respond to idealization of insanity.

We try to please, so that we are not repulsed, not rejected, so that what we have given is accepted. Especially if the gift has value, and even more so spiritual or spiritual value, because the rejection of such values hurts the most. Such humiliation, which the giver is forced to endure in silence, contributes to the development of cancer. Therefore, we try to please the more, the more we are afraid of harming ourselves. If we could release our desire to please, we would be able to give our gifts in such a way that they would be received. And if they didn't, it wouldn't bother us. As givers, we would understand that the neighbor turned out to be yet not ready to accept our offering, because he continues to look at the world through the prism of his egoism in the old fashioned way. I experienced this myself and to this day I am working on myself so that later I would not have to blame people who, not knowing either me or my work, make me their enemy. I will not hide, working on oneself is a constant and hard work.

Everyone should know that a one-sided material vision of the world, i.e. perception feelings, determines a lot, and this need toconsider. Saying whatever comes to mind is madness. No one wants to hear such nonsense. Including those who themselves are used to talking nonsense indiscriminately. The desire to please with excessive rhetoric is the same madness. The more you release the desire to be liked by everyone, the freer and clearer the expressions that you express yourself become for everyone. You will be able not to lose dignity and to express everything that is needed without offense for anyone. Your words will probably be perceived differently by everyone, because everyone has their own ideas, but not a single soul will be offended by you. Thanks to this, you will be listened to next time, and then you will be able to say something else.

Everyone has a desire to please everyone. The main thing is that it does not overflow.

From the book The main book about life crises and fears, or How to understand yourself and start living by Viilma Luule

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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

© Bill Cosby

When I was in school, my life seemed boring and uninteresting to me. When I grow up, and only then will real life begin, I thought. And so I graduated from school, college, went to work, got married, gave birth to children, but life did not become interesting.

Many years passed before I thought about what was to blame. The time has come when I wanted to become happy, but did not know how? I started looking for information and finally realized that I don’t love myself at all. I saw in myself a lot of shortcomings and almost did not find advantages. I always put my few interests last. I was always worried about what people would say about me. I realized that all my life I lived by the principle: "It should be so." And then I asked myself: “Who needs it? And what do I want?”

That's when I began to consciously change my life. It has been a long journey of self-transformation. But I passed it.

I came up with the idea to write a book about how to love yourself? This information is now of interest to many, but you can’t answer this question unequivocally, so I offer one of the chapters for now.

And now we just need honesty. Do you have a desire to please everyone, to be good (or good) to everyone? Are you worried about what people will say about you? Can you say a firm "no"?

Our development as a person begins in childhood. And most often this is influenced by the attitude towards us of the closest people - parents. And our parents, who themselves were brought up in the spirit: “Lenin, the party, the Komsomol!”, did not always give us due attention, and sometimes even love. You shouldn't blame them for this. Parents always give us only what they can give. We ourselves are now adults, and we can make a difference in relation to ourselves and our children.

The desire to be (seem) good in the eyes of other people, what does it say? We seek the approval of others for the sole purpose of feeling our need, significance. And for what? To somehow boost your self-esteem!

Read also: . I just stopped waiting and expecting something ... And at that moment it suddenly felt so easy in my soul, it was as if I began to live. I took it and started.

All this comes from self-loathing. In each of us there is an infinite source of Love - this is the very particle of the Spirit of the Creator, which is Love. But this source is reliably closed by us, littered with all the same beliefs, restrictions, unmanifested emotions, resentments, fears, the same low self-esteem.

So what to do? How to stop depending on someone else's opinion?

How to learn to say “no” to something that is clearly not included in our plans and prevents us from being happy? We need to clear the way to this source, let it shine and let it flow freely, filling us with love from within.

We are all looking for love in this life, because it is precisely love that is the meaning of our stay on Earth. But we are looking for it outside, and therefore we demand it from others: “Love me, I am good!” And you need to look within yourself.

There is a wonderful story:

An old Hindu legend tells that there was a time when all people were gods. But they neglected their divinity.

And Brahma, the Supreme God, decided to take away their Divine Power and hide it in a place where it could not be found. However, finding such a place was a big problem.

And Brahma gathered together all the supreme Deities to solve this problem. And they suggested: "Let's hide the Divinity under the Earth!".But Brahma replied, “No, that will not do. Man will start digging and find Her again.”

The deities offered another option: "Then let's throw Her into the very depths of the Ocean!" But Brahma again replied, “No. Sooner or later, a person will explore the depths of the ocean and, finding Her, will bring Her to the surface.

The Deities were at a dead end, they didn't know where they could hide Divinity. And it seemed that there is no such place on Earth or in the Sea that would be inaccessible to man. But then Brahma objected: “This is what we will do with Divinity: We will hide It in the depths of man himself, because this is the only place where he will never look for”.

Since then, man has been running around the Earth to explore it all: since then he has been searching, climbing and descending, diving and digging in search of a thing that can only be found inside himself!

That's why we went on a journey to ourselves, to find the essence in ourselves, whose name is Love.

For reference: "A postulate is a statement accepted without evidence, and serving to build some new theory."

And since we are creating with you no less than our new picture of the world, we simply need them! So:

No one has to live up to your expectations

Unexpected, right? We are accustomed to think quite differently. Every person has free will. And only he himself (being “concurrently” a Great Soul) every minute makes a choice of what next experience he wants to live. We can only ask, but we have no right to demand and expect anything. We should learn to respect each other's personal boundaries.

For the same reason:

You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations

You never know what someone fantasizes for themselves and will expect this from you! You are not responsible for their "cockroaches". So right?

And finally:

You don't have to live up to your own expectations of yourself.

A lot of what we should have been invested in our heads since childhood. And we have one thing - to observe inner harmony, not to betray our feelings.