Male loneliness psychology. Effective male self-development: the pros and cons of loneliness

25.10.2020

Both women and men want to create harmonious and romantic relationships, feel warmth and support from a loved one. It is more difficult for a lonely person to realize himself, enjoy life and every day, find himself. This fully applies to single women and single men. If the loneliness of women can be explained by statistics, the spinelessness of some representatives of the strong half of humanity, and just an unfortunate set of circumstances, then the loneliness of men is more incomprehensible and mysterious.

Why are guys single?

The reasons leading to male loneliness are different for psychologists, women and men themselves, but each of them deserves attention. Young people explain their loneliness by a busy schedule at work, study, a combination of both. They simply do not have time to get to know and communicate with the fair sex, both in the real and virtual world. Other men believe only in love at first sight and do not want to waste time communicating with women with whom they see no future. Still others do not want to part with their status as a proud single man because of a strong love of freedom. Most often, they constantly advocate free love, not burdened with duties and responsibilities. They meet different girls from time to time, but never create a permanent and lasting relationship.

Very often, the cause of male loneliness is also a spiritual wound received after the last unsuccessful relationship. Someone easily endures a breakup, starting a new relationship, while someone can survive what happened for many months or even years. Men are lonely and because of too great demands on the future bride. Their loneliness is caused by undisguised selfishness and complex character. And men who are too committed to alcohol, drugs, or idleness suffer from loneliness in the first place because of their spinelessness.

Other causes of male loneliness include behavioral patterns, personal character traits, the degree of social success and habits. In addition, in the presence of self-doubt, young people do not try to direct efforts to find a soul mate, but devote themselves to work, entertainment, the implementation of ideas, friends or creativity. Sometimes the cause of female self-sufficiency in modern society becomes the catalyst that makes men prefer loneliness to attempts to build relationships. Women who have achieved success in life quite often believe that weak men are not for them. But what they mean by weak does not always apply to truly weak people. But men begin to believe that women really do not need, preferring to remain single than rejected. They forget that love helps a person feel happy and nothing can replace it.

Causes of male loneliness

According to psychologists, there are a lot of reasons for male loneliness., but they can be grouped into 2 main groups. The reasons that are associated with the personal characteristics of a person belong to the first group and are otherwise called pathological. Reasons that depend on spiritual characteristics belong to the second.

Inadequate self-esteem makes any person avoid stressful situations for themselves. And acquaintance with the opposite sex always requires mental strength and patience. Intimate relationships involve close communication between people, a willingness to talk about yourself and expect evaluation from the person who evokes strong feelings. If a man has low self-esteem, he is not ready for a woman to evaluate his achievements and personal qualities, so he will try in any way to avoid communicating with her. In order not to get a low assessment of personal qualities, a man refuses to build relationships, avoiding acquaintances and communication with the opposite sex. He remains lonely because he is not ready to raise his self-esteem to the level that would allow him to establish a normal personal life.

The inability to communicate with other people also negatively affects the ability of a man to communicate with women to create a couple. Usually such problems arise due to shyness, psychological trauma received in childhood or adolescence. The young man tried to get acquainted in adolescence with the girl he liked, and she sharply refused him. Time has passed, but the trauma has remained and now an adult young man or even a man cannot communicate normally with women.
A rather pathological reason is the strong emotional attachment of a man to his mother. At some stage, the development of the guy stopped, never having matured, he now receives the necessary feeling of security and psychological completeness in such dependence on his mother.

The infantilism of a man repels women from him and he is left alone. The essence of this state is that he chooses for himself the behavior of the child, showing carelessness and extreme selfishness. He withdraws from contact with reality, showing a complete rejection of the male role and responsibilities. Such a man spends a huge amount of time in entertainment and games, trying to completely remove himself from solving any problems. A woman for him acts as a patron and protection while he behaves like a child. His entire speech is full of phrases and beliefs that have adult vocabulary and logic, but they are filled with childish content.
But sometimes men prefer loneliness as an element of spiritual growth, as part of what they need to achieve self-sufficiency. At some point in life, a man comes to understand that he simply does not need love, he does not want to experience deep emotional experiences. He is not afraid of them, but believes that they are meaningless and burdensome for him. Sometimes a man by nature refers to introverts who are prone to solitude.

Why do men stay single

A very long time ago, society placed on men a responsibility that obliges them to cope with many tasks, earn and work, and at the same time be the best. If he was born a man, he must already be at a height from which one cannot fall. It is very difficult to live when too much is expected of you and constantly. Every day the tension grows and it becomes more and more difficult for a man to live in a situation where women are waiting for everything at once. They begin to make mistakes, rash acts in order to throw off the burden of responsibility, and all this grows like a snowball, eventually leading to loneliness.

There comes a moment when a really real macho sits on a dating site, trying to find true love. The other chooses a bar to get acquainted with another beauty, in the hope that she is the one who will accept him with all the advantages and disadvantages. But it is not always possible to get rid of loneliness, because for everyone it is different. A man can be surrounded by people and remain alone. In any case, not a single person, including a man, can live without loneliness. Sometimes it is necessary to realize your goal in life, to determine what is important and what is not, to understand what you need to strive for and analyze the path you have traveled. But not everyone can learn to be alone with themselves and not feel discomfort.

Men generally perceive loneliness a little differently than women, sometimes it is simply necessary for them to understand themselves and they endure it much easier. Men think globally, their plans are large-scale and grandiose, so they need peace and detachment from the outside world. Loneliness helps them develop a plan to achieve their goals, to understand what they really want to achieve in life. Self-realization and a sense of self-satisfaction are perceived by them regardless of the presence of a family and a life partner, and therefore they do not always strive to get rid of the status of a free man.

Experiencing loneliness associated with an unsettled personal life, a man seeks to find the one who will fill the void in his soul and bring peace with him. And sometimes, on the contrary, a man is surrounded by friends and communicates all the time, but still in his personal life he is alone, but at the same time he does not seek to find love, because he believes that there are too many problems with women. Therefore, before trying to win a single man, you should make sure that he needs it.

And for some reason it is not accepted to discuss the loneliness of men. A man is most often considered free, so few people know the true reasons for male loneliness.

As a rule, when a girl does not marry for a long time, her friends and close relatives become anxious. To a man is a completely different attitude. One gets the impression that a woman is simply obliged to start a family while she is still young, but a man has nowhere to rush.

It is generally accepted that it is extremely undesirable to delay girlhood, and a man who has survived unmarried until middle age is a normal phenomenon, like the loneliness of a man itself. All this is explained by simple conclusions: a woman should bear and give birth to children, and a man does not need to do this.

This is also emphasized by the fact that often after 30 years, a woman's childbirth and pregnancy can occur with complications. For these reasons, women tend to get married as early as possible. However, the evidence from research by psychologists suggests that with age, the ability to become a father for a man is significantly reduced.

Too prolonged period of male loneliness can affect male potency, and can also cause severe moral damage. In this regard, psychologists recommend that men marry young, thereby avoiding the problem of male loneliness.

The reasons for the loneliness of men

Those who stand on the side of protecting late marriages and female and male loneliness are sure that first you need to live for your own pleasure, without denying yourself travel around the world, free spending of money and constant new acquaintances for love intrigue and passionate entertainment. Chaotic sexual intercourse belongs to the same arguments. The result of the loneliness of men is their own vision of intimacy: since marriage does not shine in the near future, then you should not think about what the chosen one will be today. Such reasoning sometimes comes with a heavy price. The consequences are sexually transmitted diseases, in some cases loss of self-confidence, and sometimes, on the contrary, the acquisition of a sense of permissiveness.

The absence of the need to take care of loved ones and responsibilities gradually lead to a change in personality and damage to character. As a result of such male loneliness, a narcissistic person appears who does not want to self-sacrifice, avoiding everyday worries and joys. If it is not possible to form a family and the man remains alone until old age, then often he turns out to be an old bachelor, who is characterized as a cold cynic, or as a sad skeptic or simply as an unhappy person, adding himself to the statistics of the loneliness of men. Moreover, whatever the result in life, all bachelors are convinced that there is no disinterested love or female fidelity in the world.

Psychologists have written many monographs and dissertations about the reasons for male loneliness. Most experts tend to distinguish two groups of single men:

the first group includes those who remain lonely due to their personal characteristics;
the second group - people with spiritual characteristics who cannot step over their prejudices.

Everyone strives to avoid stressful situations. For many, all new acquaintances bring a number of experiences, doubts, require significant mental strength. Relationships involve communication, and a man will have to talk about himself, about his past life. He will await with trepidation the assessment of the chosen one, because in his words she may not like something.

Where is the root of the problem and how to get rid of it?

Very often, a man does not know how to communicate with the opposite sex due to the psychological trauma he received in childhood. Perhaps he once liked a girl who abruptly refused or offended. It is important to work out this reason, think it over and smile at her 🙂

Excessive attachment to the mother. Start building your new life!
Selfishness and infantilism. The childish behavior of men and the lack of independence turn off women.
Loneliness is like spiritual growth. At a certain moment, a man realizes that he does not need love and does not want to burden himself with emotional experiences. Be less callous and open yourself up to the world around you.
Social phobia. Social phobia can be caused by early social development in childhood. For example, when a child was taken to first grade early, at a time when he was not ready for it. This is serious fright and psychological trauma.
Psychopathology. Depression, alcoholism and various psychological illnesses are the main reasons for a person's isolation. He repels those around him with his own gloom.

Single men increase their self-esteem, become self-confident, and then strive to maintain their position, the main advantage of which they see freedom. Rarely can anyone say “stop” to himself and think about the time to switch from a career to creating a family. Male loneliness becomes habitual for them and, in their opinion, a natural state.

To rethink his attitude to his personal life, a man should take a blank sheet of paper and write on it the advantages of male loneliness, its negative sides, and directions for further action.

The opinion that a person should come to terms with his loneliness is untenable. He cannot, and should not be alone, and all the "calming" theories about self-sufficiency have not been supported by anything. This is a manifestation of escapism, instead of finding the right solutions, a person leaves the problem aside, even more withdrawing into himself.
Changing your state means gaining faith in yourself and your strength. Failure in personal life cannot be justified by a lack of masculinity, the necessary material condition or gentleness of character. You should tune in to decisive and bold actions, otherwise you will not be able to defeat loneliness.
Changing yourself for the better, you should not choose a path that will lead to the development of aggression, anger, and even cruelty. After all, being a man does not mean behaving like a wild male. This is an extreme that should be avoided. It is much preferable to become fearless, but at the same time noble and restrained, purposeful. From the negative received as a result of previous failures, you need to get rid of, and not transfer it to new life pages. All relationships should start from scratch.
If a man positions himself as weak, soft and compliant, and does not want to change anything in himself, it is worth reconsidering the approach to choosing his half. After all, you can find strong and self-sufficient women who prefer to have just such partners. Loneliness will be done away with, and the rest of the development of the relationship will depend on you two.
Those representatives of the stronger sex who are afraid to be next to more successful darlings should be set for the goal of achieving career and professional growth, which will put both on the same level. This is a rather productive approach that will serve as an additional stimulus for the development of a man.

How men escape loneliness

Male loneliness forces them to seek salvation in communication with friends, in conducting sports activities, in clubs and organizations. A person seeks to find comfort, to feel needed, to find recognition.

With such approaches, the solution to the problem can only be postponed, because this is only a temporary way out, which will not change the situation as a whole. A person will remain lonely in the circle of like-minded people, in the gym, and at home. Male loneliness will be in him, and he will not be able to hide from him. The worst-case scenario could be excessive alcohol addiction, casual relationships, and questionable companies. A person runs the risk of falling into the abyss, and he should change his mind and reconsider his behavior.

Sooner or later, all friends will start families. Hobby clubs will become unattractive, and meetings for intimate connection with frivolous women will exhaust all mental resources. If we do not forget that the years are going by, then in five or six years it will be very difficult to make up for lost time, almost impossible.

It cannot be one person. He still needs a companion with whom he would share all the joys and sorrows, on whose support he could count on in any situation. Therefore, there is no reason to cling to male loneliness, it has never brought happiness to anyone, no matter how those who are proud of their imaginary freedom and seeming independence try to convince him of this.

If you want to start changing from today, then we offer you one effective method. Every day, like a prayer, repeat the following expressions for yourself (or better, print them and hang them on the wall by the bed):

I am surrounded by many interesting people;
I am kind to others;
I easily meet nice people;
when communicating with others, I feel joyful and warm in my soul;
I start to feel confident in myself;
I have a lot of energy;
I am ready to give love and be loved.

Remember, you are a man, be a lion and a tiger!

male loneliness. This is quite an interesting topic, because in today's world, many men feel alone and lost. Some perceive this situation as a consequence of some stupid deeds, while others themselves choose the path of a lone wolf.

Modernity

Let's start with the fact that male loneliness in the modern world is common for the reason that it has become much more difficult to communicate. People make many demands on each other, they want a lot, and they are not always ready to give the same response. Because of this, there is tension and strain in the relationship. In turn, this puts psychological pressure on both men and women, which sometimes discourages the desire to build relationships.

Men who are unstable from a psychological point of view may be subject to various new trends and opinions of society. They are interested in new information and trust it without verification. That is why they tend to delve into themselves too actively, analyze certain actions and words, and immerse themselves in their inner world.

Causes of male loneliness

A man can be lonely for several reasons. Conventionally, they can be divided into two types. The first includes pathological causes that are associated with a violation of the psyche and personality of a person. The second type includes existential causes.

Consider the main pathological causes:

Incorrect self-esteem, which manifests itself in the fact that a man underestimates or overestimates himself and his strengths. He can be too arrogant and arrogant, which will repel the bulk of the people from himself. At the same time, he can be too closed, insecure and shy, which will also repel the environment from him. You should not go to extremes, it is better to just stick to the golden mean and try to evaluate yourself adequately.
Poorly developed ability to communicate with the outside world. This problem occurs in men who had problems in education. They could be brought up separately or instilled that the world around them is hostile. Such people have difficulty building relationships with others. It is difficult for them to trust, it is difficult to establish contact, make compromises, etc. Such men do not believe that there is sincerity, friendship, etc. in the world. In principle, they do not understand what human relationships are based on.
Social phobia. Such a phenomenon can be fully or partially disclosed in a person. It is manifested by the fact that the individual avoids appearing in society. He strives to get home as quickly as possible, to close himself there from someone, not to let his world in. Social phobia usually occurs after some serious upheaval. This can happen if a man has experienced a difficult break with his girlfriend. Also, the reasons may lie in childhood, but such cases should be worked out with a psychologist separately.
The presence of psychopathology. Any deviations of the psyche, as well as personality disorders, can serve to ensure that a person will be alone. Anyone who is aware of the presence of some defects in himself will consciously avoid communication and society, so as not to frighten and not seem strange. The one who is not aware of his psychopathology is simply obeying the inner desire to be alone.
Codependent relationships. When a person is in a codependent relationship, he experiences constant stress. This leads to the fact that you want to be alone. In addition, codependent relationships never lead to anything good. Such an interaction ends either in a break, or lasts for years and still ends in a painful break.
Infantilism. This is another big reason why single men don't change their lifestyle. When you are infantile, you can relieve yourself of responsibility, do not strain, live for your own pleasure. In addition, such men are often dependent on their mothers, and even completely trust them to lead their lives. They are very irresponsible, it makes no sense to build any relationship with them.

existential reasons

Male problems of loneliness are not always based on some kind of pathology, sometimes it can be an independent, balanced decision. We list the main existential reasons:

Spiritual growth. A man can separate in order to grow spiritually and develop his personality. It is for this reason that many people go to the mountains and become hermits. They want to limit themselves from social contacts and completely deprive them of communication. This is a really interesting way of self-development, which is resorted to only by rare highly spiritual men.
Subculture. Sometimes male loneliness is explained by the fact that he belongs to a certain subculture. For example, he may belong to some closed men's club, in which it is not customary to be with a woman. There really are such organizations, their main criterion is loneliness. Such men try to convince themselves that they are complete on their own, without a woman, without a family, without social contacts.
Behavior not accepted by the public. Many single men choose the path of the wolf simply because they do not live by the rules of society. So, they may have some special passions and interests that do not violate the law, but nevertheless are not approved by the community. Such people are quite common, so many are forced to hide their true desires and motives. However, male loneliness can sometimes be quite unsafe. Psychologists say that the longer a person is removed from society, the more he takes root in his defective thoughts. So, if an individual who avoids communication has some kind of negative inclinations that can be dangerous for other people, then the longer he is immersed in himself and his ideas, the higher the likelihood that he will decide on an illegal act.
Self-sufficiency. Some are perplexed how a man can live alone, but they do not understand that a person can be self-sufficient. This is quite normal and natural, but in our society this idea is not always adequately perceived. It is one thing to completely reject any relationship and avoid society, and another thing to feel self-sufficient in loneliness. Such people do not avoid any contacts and interactions. They communicate well with the outside world, but they prefer to spend their free time alone. Very often such men have a rich spiritual life. They are concerned about many global issues. Also, such people can plunge into loneliness due to strong emotional experiences. And it must be said that a person must have great courage to face his problems, and not avoid them. Such seclusion is very beneficial for both men and women, because it allows you to achieve a certain personal growth.
Part of professional activity. The fact is that some professions involve the need to be alone. So, writers and people of creative professions are inspired by very strange things. They also need solitude so that they can focus on their thoughts and tune in to a creative wave. This is not a deviation, but rather a haze of mystery that creative people envelop themselves with. At the same time, they really need loneliness, because it allows them to focus on themselves and their experiences.

Pros of male loneliness

In fact, there are enough benefits of being a hermit. Of course, there are also disadvantages, but everyone is well aware of them. What are the advantages of a single life?

Here are some of them:

A man is responsible for his own happiness. This is actually so, for the simple reason that the responsibility for one's life belongs entirely to a person. He decides how to live, where to live, how to build his way. In addition, he is not tied to a place or to circumstances. The loneliness of a guy can be caused precisely by the fact that he is not ready to take responsibility for someone else, therefore he prefers a hermit lifestyle.
Redistribution of energy. When a person is alone for a long time, he learns to direct his energy towards some main goal. So, if male loneliness is caused by the fact that the individual wants to achieve some results in his career or any other activity, then the choice of the lone wolf path is quite justified.
Increasing self-confidence. Men who consciously choose temporary alienation begin to understand themselves better. And they also have increased self-confidence, because they understand that they are good both alone and in the company. They learn many things that they would not need in a relationship with a girl or in a family.
Deep sleep. This is a pretty funny reason, but when a person lives alone, he really sleeps better. No one wakes him up, no one accidentally disturbs his rest, etc.
Removal of responsibility. In some way, male loneliness allows you to feel a certain freedom, which is nothing more than a waiver of responsibility. When you live alone, then you do not need to worry much about money or about life. Enough to earn enough to provide for themselves. A man who is socially active takes on a certain role and responsibility, so the load on him is greater. However, such a man is valued higher, and he himself develops and improves in the process of relationships.

Loneliness after 30

It is believed that up to a certain age people can be in search of themselves. If a man under 30 yearns for loneliness, wants moral and physical development, then there is nothing shameful and wrong in this. However, male loneliness after 30 years indicates any violations. Of course, there are exceptions. There are young men who, throughout their lives, want to deal only with you. Some will say that they are selfish, but in fact such people can be of great benefit to society. They focus on some of their talent or task and fully realize themselves.

Run away from life

If, after 30 years, male loneliness does not have any goals, a man simply lives thoughtlessly, then this indicates some problems. Perhaps he has difficulties in relations with women or hides the negative aspects of his character. Usually, by the age of 30, even the most notorious bachelors understand that they want a family, a long and serious relationship, as well as a warm corner.

Is it bad?

To the question of whether it is possible for a man to live alone, there is no definite answer. Of course, any person is capable of living alone, but this will negatively affect his mental health. People need to communicate, engage in communication and build some kind of connection with each other. If this does not happen, then the person moves away from everything worldly and loses the ability to communicate. He becomes more closed and immersed in himself. This may result in severe depression or the fact that the individual will simply avoid any contact.

Women's self-sufficiency

It is believed that one of the reasons for male loneliness is female self-sufficiency. This is a rather topical issue. Many women are career-oriented, which in principle is good. However, they cultivate strong qualities in themselves that prevent them from showing their femininity. As a result, such women become quite tough and domineering. Building relationships with such ladies is quite difficult, and not at all because men are weak. Such women simply discourage the desire to care for them and achieve. It is quite natural that the male reaction to this is alienation.

Consequences

As a result, young people either stop communicating with the fair sex, or simply begin to exist separately from them. But where can one man rest if he avoids female company and has no friends among men? This is a very interesting question that is asked by many women who believe that a man will not survive without them. In fact, there are a lot of options for recreation and entertainment for such a person. Again, this is a matter of awareness. If a person understands the reason for his loneliness and goes into it intentionally, then he knows what he will do, does not waste time in vain and develops himself. If loneliness is caused by pathological causes, then there can be no talk of any rest and entertainment. Such a man is simply immersed in himself, he is poorly versed in his feelings and desires and does not work at all on his internal problems.

Is it possible so?

So, can a man live as a lone wolf? Of course you can, if it is his sincere desire. But in no case is it impossible if he simply avoids responsibility and problems. Through alienation, he will not solve any of his problems, only exacerbate them. If there are such acquaintances in your circle, then everything must be done to make them communicate. At the same time, remember that a person has certain boundaries that you cannot cross. If a man categorically refuses to help, then it is better to leave him alone.

If you are still concerned about the question of how a man can live alone, then you don’t have to torment yourself if your loved one has chosen this path. This is quite normal and natural, so do not worry. The main thing is not to succumb to the stereotypes of a society that claims that such behavior is not normal. Remember, a person chooses his own path and is free to decide how to spend his life. In addition, many men who spend some time alone, then happily return to normal communication and family circle. Being alone, they receive a certain energy, and after this period they can live a normal, full life.

In summary, there is nothing wrong with being alone. If a person feels good alone with himself, then he will feel great in any company. You should not hang labels and draw any conclusions about a person simply because he loves loneliness. In the modern world, many people are lonely, they just know how to hide it well. People who openly declare their desires deserve respect. A lonely man is a normal phenomenon if such a path is chosen consciously. If we are talking about a loafer or a person with complexes, then only he can help himself if he really wants to. In other cases, any outside help will not be effective.

How much has been said and written about female loneliness! However, you won’t surprise anyone with them: according to demographic statistics, there are only seven or eight “suitors” for ten ladies, and even less with age. But it is all the more striking that even among these men - smart, educated, accomplished and independent - there are bachelors. Relationships with them become a real test for those seeking female happiness, because the main and, perhaps, the only phobia of these “knights” is marriage.

Loneliness in men

Among the reasons that turn mature men into "eternal bachelors", of course, there are pathological ones. These are infantilism, which firmly connected the “married groom” with the mother, and social phobia, which forces the unsociable person to lock themselves at home, and inadequate self-esteem, which gives rise to insurmountable complexes in a man or, on the contrary, makes him a “narcissist”. And some bachelors from childhood are not used to building close relationships. Getting to know women and caring for them, choosing the right words and taking decisive steps ... For such men, this is constant stress, an inaccessible art that they had nowhere to learn, and over time - as if there was no need.
“Shyness is not a pathology!” - the ladies will object with hope, waiting for months from the "humble" invitations to a date. Alas, this is not banal modesty, but a “loner syndrome”, from which only an experienced psychotherapist can save a man. And, perhaps, he will not cope with this task either. After all, in order to turn to a specialist, you yourself need to recognize the problem, and men who have been avoiding communication with women for years are afraid of any changes. It is not difficult to recognize the "pathological bachelor". To do this, it is enough to get rid of the “rose-colored glasses” and take a closer look at a free stranger - a friend or colleague - more carefully. And, finally, once and for all to give up the hopeless desire to one day get his hand and heart, and in addition to them - his depressing "features".
However, it happens that even after a thorough "preparation" of shortcomings, a man remains a "knight" - mature, caring and ... impregnable. Seeing off such a look, how not to ask the question: “Is the eternal bachelor necessarily a man with a problem?”
We decided to ask the “culprits” of our experiences about this, who, having grown a beard, bought an apartment and held leadership positions, still do not think about marriage.

Broken happiness

Maksim, 34, top manager, single: There are many beautiful women around me. Charming, smart, with impeccable taste, economic ... Such as Nina, whom I met for almost five years, before one day I learned from our mutual friends that she had another. I dreamed of making her happy, but if she talked to me, confessed that she was in love, I would just wish her good luck.
However, she probably didn't want to lose me until she realized how serious her new man was about her. So I became a "fallback".
Every evening, when I came home from work, I expected a serious conversation. But Nina was silent, and after that she even became somehow more tender. Probably, the other one turned out to be “unpromising”. She loved to repeat that word...
After several months of intense waiting, I left her myself. Quietly packed his bags and moved out of the rented apartment, paying her rent for six months in advance. For a while she called me and listened to long beeps, and then, apparently, she realized that she had no future with me ...
I watch every girl that likes me. I'm wondering if she's capable of running around on dates in secret from the man she falls asleep next to every night. And although almost three years have passed since the separation from Nina, I'm not ready to trust a woman yet.
Tatyana Kurchatova, psychologist, comments: Unfortunately, love passes. But it is not plans for a common future that have crashed into reality that cause us the most pain, but disappointment in a partner and in feelings as such. Women who believe that men deal with breakups easier and faster are wrong. Upbringing and stereotypes do not allow the "stronger sex" to show their experiences. Therefore, men accumulate grievances and fears, which over the years turn into an irresistible unwillingness to get close to someone.
"Wounded" once, a bachelor tries to look at a woman as a friend, even if she is not indifferent to him. He is simply afraid of repeating the failed "scenario".
However, this does not mean that a broken heart cannot be healed. Become a real friend for a single man, earn his trust. Let him understand that you are patient and not just “walking by”, but want to linger in his life. As you know, water wears even a stone. Moreover, under a perfectly ironed shirt, your “eternal bachelor” hides not a stone, but, on the contrary, a very sensitive heart.
However, be prepared for unpleasant "surprises". Having recovered from the traumas of the past with your help, a man can introduce you to a new chosen one at the next "friendly" dinner. And it is unlikely that gratitude for the fact that you "changed his life" will soften the blow from falling from a height of unfulfilled hopes.

Actively looking

Nikolai, 40, lawyer, single: Male loneliness is not about me! I don’t remember when my apartment didn’t smell of homemade cabbage soup for at least a couple of months and it wasn’t cleaned. I am always greeted from work by a woman who seems perfect to me. True, until I meet another - even more suitable for me.
Sometimes I think that I have finally found the one in front of which I am ready to go down on one knee and, blushing, pronounce the oath of allegiance, putting the ring on her elegant finger. I even went to a jewelry store once. I wanted to leave with a velvet box in my pocket, but instead I got the phone number of a new amazing friend.
Is there any justification for this behavior? I just really love women.
Tatyana Kurchatova: Alas, in order to end the many years of “wandering” of this bachelor, the ability to cook the most delicate pie and sew, like a hereditary dressmaker, is not enough. Even deep necklines, stockings and push-up underwear will not help.
Unfortunately, for this man, the passion of a hunter has long been “drowned out” by the instinct of self-preservation, which, after thirty, insistently whispers to bachelors that it’s time to “moor” to a safe family harbor. Perhaps only a child can send the "hunter" into the "home - work - home" orbit.
Surprisingly, such men value children more than their own freedom. And if someday the beloved nevertheless resumes his “active search”, your son or daughter with him will always be more important for him than another long-legged hobby.
Wake up a caring father in the chosen one, and perhaps you will get what you want - a husband. Indeed, quite frivolous. But there's nothing to be done: there are such men - bachelors by vocation.

Survivor complex

Alexey, 38 years old, minibus driver, divorced: Relationship? Yes, I don't have time for that. My daughter will go to school soon. The ex-wife asked for help with money. And you also need to send your mother and father to a sanatorium, visit your sister and nephews - after all, you can’t go to them empty-handed either! So I work, when I can, in two shifts. And then I go home exhausted and immediately go to bed. I'm used to it. I don't need anything more. But is such a life suitable for any woman?
Tatyana Kurchatova: Jack of all trades, reliable, prudent and tireless... Such a man seems ideal. But, alas, not only you.
If a “hyper-responsible” bachelor, under any pretext, refuses to drink a cup of coffee with you, most likely he is either in a hurry to the former to paint her balcony frames, or he spent the last money by buying an expensive Barbie doll for his niece. And he would gladly open the door to his life for you, but on the other hand, ex-wives, children, elderly parents, friends “support” it with the burden of their own problems - everyone for whom your man is “responsible”. Or thinks he does.
A “hyper-responsible” bachelor is not hopeless, but only a flint woman can force out of his life the ever-needy second cousins and put in place of his insolent ex-wives.
If, instead of an “iron” character, you have an angelic character, then you run the risk of either hearing a polite “sorry - goodbye” from your chosen one, or sharing his difficult burden with him - when, instead of other people's lives, you most of all want to arrange your own.

Strength is in weakness

Andrei, 46, English teacher, single: My sister constantly complains to me that men supposedly have excessive demands on women. Like, give us as wives only fashion models who will stay at home, cook three-course dinners and raise children.
I argue with her, because the truth in her words is only that it is really important for us to be strong and provide for the family, and not willingly shift this responsibility onto fragile female shoulders.
I've never been married, but not because I'm afraid of commitment. It's just that until now I have met only women who, it seemed, did not need a husband. They kept everything under control - even our relationship. Even though that was what killed the intimacy.
I don't need a housewife, but even less do I want to marry a house-ruler. I do not despair one day to meet a woman who will allow me to be a leader, not a follower. But so far, unfortunately, I don't know.

Denis Kryukov - online psychologist
help in solving personal and family problems
harmonization of relationships in a couple
conflict resolution
way out of life crisis

This article is about a problem hidden from view and hidden in the nooks and crannies of black and white everyday life.She talks about what male loneliness is

Hello,

Dear readers and guests of my blog!

I spent on the Web and made sure that there are many times fewer articles about him than O.

And those that are - for the most part - a repetition of already known truths.

In our society, the loneliness of men is rarely paid attention to.

A man complaining of loneliness is not a frequent visitor to a psychologist's office.

From my point of view, the ratio is about 9 to 1 in favor of women.

However, I affirm that

The idea that there are far fewer single men than women is a myth.

I think it's quite the opposite - more!

In addition, for some reason, everyone thinks that a man endures loneliness much easier and copes with it faster.

My experience as a psychologist shows that this is also a false statement.

Let's first understand why this is so, and then consider the reasons why a man finds himself a lonely traveler on the road of life.

Why are there more single men

than single women?

Let us immediately agree that loneliness in this article is understood in the broadest sense. For example, as in this post:

or like this one:

And that a single man is not only a man who does not have a wife or girlfriend, but also one who is lonely in his soul.

One who, even among the closest, experiences and experiences his loneliness.

"Why is this happening?" - you ask.

The answer looks simple:

Men hide their loneliness deep inside themselves. They do not like to recognize it and admit it even to themselves.

And in general, many men suffering from loneliness, only vaguely guess about this suffering. It is always prohibited.

It is generally not accepted for men to suffer.

Well, at least that's how he should do it. Although, just the same, he knows how to “suffer” correctly.

That is why men are more often characterized by latent, i.e. hidden loneliness. It hides somewhere deep in the inner world of a man.

This is loneliness when "you are not alone."

The paradox is that it originates in relationships with others. At the very core of these relationships.

It is born when a man can even have a completely beloved wife and many friends.

It’s just that at some point a border appears between a man and the people around him, then it becomes a wall, and then grows to the size of an insurmountable abyss.

This paradox for many is still incomprehensible or simply invented.

Especially for women. After all…

…Women not much easier

They are initially more attuned to the sphere of feelings and emotions than to the sphere of will, intellect and reflection.

Women can speak out relatively easily to a friend, cry in company with her, or they can express everything to their mother or Women express their feelings and emotions much more freely.

They are banned only in certain situations.

However, I believe that the idea that men are less emotional than women and that women are less logical and rational than men is .

In fact, we are all equal.

Just…

…Men become men…

... due to the mechanisms of suppression and repression of emotions and feelings.

From time immemorial, a stereotype has been ruling in society that a man should be less emotional, less sensitive than a woman.

That he should be more friends with the mind, and not with the feelings.

On the one hand, it seems to be correct.

Well, there, a warrior, a getter, must be courageous, and all that, like ...

But there is a flip side to this coin.

With which we - psychologists and have to deal with.

The fact is that men are taught to be strong, and this is absolutely right.

But their not learn:

a) how to properly manage your strength and b) what to do with your weaknesses (after all, with the presence of strength, they do not disappear anywhere).

And weaknesses are everything that does not fall under the category "".

And first of all - these are negative - "weak" emotions and feelings.

And in general - any emotionality and sensuality.

Like: "a real man should not cry, he must endure."

Therefore, men from childhood learn to control their emotions and feelings. And it is right. But control soon turns into repression.

And now, by the age of 25-30, a man no longer even notices how he suppresses most of his emotions and feelings.

(By the way, this is one of the psychological mechanisms in the womb of which is born. However, also).

Soon he ceases to be aware of them at all and hides somewhere deep inside himself.

It is the same with loneliness and with all the emotions and feelings that are pulled together in tight knots around it.

Traveling alone...

That is why, we - men, often cannot even admit to ourselves that we are alone.

Because the installation, rooted since childhood, will immediately work:

“If something is wrong with a man, if he cannot fix and overcome any problem, for example, an emotion or an unpleasant feeling, then he is bad and weak.”

And loneliness is perceived by men as a weakness, as an inability . “If you are alone, then you are a loser and a weakling.”

This makes them even more alone.

But the need to be heard, the need to be understood and accepted with all your cockroaches remains, but is blocked.

“After all, if you ask for help, then you are again a weakling!”

And because of the prevailing stereotypes, now there is no one around who would hear, accept and understand.

After all, everyone believes that someone who is strong does not need support.

That's when the real loneliness comes. And more often just at the very moment when you are among people.

Loneliness becomes a way of life. Loneliness becomes life itself.

Loneliness becomes a way of self-awareness and self-perception.

When you simply do not understand yourself and lose yourself if there are too many other people and communication in your life.

If there is too much outside world in your life, with its dynamics, with its challenges.

Then there are two men: one external, which is presented to others and tries to meet their expectations, like a “real man”, and an internal one, which is always alone and rarely cares about anyone.

All of this is at the core of…

One of the reasons for the loneliness of a man, and in general for male psychological problems, is that he, as a rule, has few friends.

And with those that are, it is not very customary to share the secret and sore. Or even forbidden - after all, these are manifestations of weakness and lack of competitiveness.

In this case, his wife (rarely a girlfriend) becomes the only close person.

But if their relationship suddenly worsens, arises, and they stop sharing problems and experiences with each other, then the man remains isolated.

A is also a sign of weakness.

And that's when loneliness settles in a man's house. And very often he brings with him his girlfriend named Hopelessness ...

Conclusion: the idea that there are fewer single men than women should be considered a myth.
Men skillfully hide their loneliness along with many emotions and feelings suppressed within themselves.
Most often, such inner loneliness quickly turns into External.
With that, life goes on.

male loneliness

and its main reasons

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1. Inadequateand Iself-esteem

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It is difficult to get out of the shell of loneliness if a man evaluates himself incorrectly and unrealistically. Low self-esteem and self-doubt make you avoid relationships or grab any that come across.

If only they were.

Too high self-esteem turns into self-confidence and borders on narcissism.

This also prevents the establishment and maintenance of close and sincere relationships, as it repels others.

By the way, it is one of the main reasons for the addiction of men to alcohol and drugs and other addictions.

Which, in turn, further increases the loneliness.

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2. Lack of trust

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Perhaps the basic cause of male loneliness. For women, it is practically not typical.

As I wrote above, next to a man there is rarely one or one who would accept him with all his cockroaches, who could listen to and understand him.

In addition, it is much more difficult for a man to open up, even to himself to admit his feelings and experiences.

Most often, they are concreted somewhere deep in the soul, giving rise to even greater suffering by their captivity.

Suppression of feelings, denial of emotions, eternal attempts to look positive and successful - a direct path to loneliness or, which in other respects is most often the same thing ...

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3. Social stereotypes

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All about too. That a man must be strong, that he must endure, that emotions and feelings are not about real men.

This gives birth to blindness in relation to one's inner world and one's emotional life.

It is difficult for men to understand and express their feelings and emotions. As a result, the outer life also becomes poorer and fades.

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4. Substitution of personality by social status

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When a man among his environment is represented not by his personality, but by his status and his attributes.

Accordingly, people around see and appreciate not the personality of a man, but his position in society, professional achievements, financial success, etc.

The one who is behind this social mask is not seen by anyone, and does not really want to see.

Moreover, many men identify themselves with this mask.

And they do not notice their inner world, their emotional life, they distance themselves from themselves.

♦

5. The negative influence of the mother image

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There are two options here:

a) excessive attachment to the mother, emotional dependence on her.

Such a man most often idealizes his mother.

In the extreme case, he practically cannot live without her guidance and support.

In a softer way, she strongly influences him, he depends on her opinion and is guided by it on almost every issue.

b) detachment from the mother, often developing into hatred for her.

The maternal image in this case is painted with negative tones.

It oppresses a man, deprives him of his creative powers and .

In both cases, such a man was brought up in conditions of inadequate satisfaction of his needs.

The style of mothering was dominated by either overprotection - excessive care for the child, or underprotection - lack of attention and lack of emotional closeness.

Accordingly, such a man evaluates women only through the prism of the image of the mother.

And it is obvious that he sees only flaws in women, perceives them as imperfect and inferior.

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6. Negative parent script

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This factor is closely related to the previous one. This one, which makes a man lonely, is formed in a dysfunctional, conflict family.

From childhood, a man is inspired:

“! Nothing will come of your life!"

Or, on the contrary, he was brought up according to the perfectionist program, when:

"You must be the best!"

In both cases, the man begins to see others only in negative tones: they are either enemies or material to satisfy personal needs.

Or both at the same time.

In the latter case, a real one grows out of such a child, and any woman for him -.

Read more about life scenarios and tyrants in the headings:

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7. Male infantilism

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Psychological immaturity can also be a reason for the loneliness of men.

This is mainly facilitated by such infantile qualities as:

underdevelopment of the will, resentment, capriciousness, exactingness, selfishness, as well as the desire to shift responsibility for one's life to other people.

As a rule, this is a man with an age-inappropriate behavior model.

All this alienates him from other people, and he closes himself in the boundaries of his egocentrism and, in the end, remains completely alone.

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8. Idealization of a woman

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In this case, the woman is on a pedestal. The man endows the female image with unrealistic characteristics.

He is almost holy and undefiled. She knows everything, she can do everything, she will always help. And even if she does not know and does not know how, she is still almost a goddess.

Such an image of a woman is divorced from reality, it sows unjustified hopes. A man cannot accept any woman for who she really is, as she is very far from his ideal.

As a result, he remains alone, or takes possession of him.

Since the reverse side of any ideal is its terrifying antipode.

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9. Consumer attitude towards women

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A woman for such a man is only an object of satisfying his personal needs. As a person, as a person, she is almost of no interest to him.

However, if a man treats a woman this way, then he has a similar attitude towards men and all people in general, saturated with utilitarianism and selfishness.

It is quite understandable why such men remain single.

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10. Psychological distress

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In this case, the loneliness of men is generated by various psychological problems and.

For example, such a man may suffer from apathy, depression, various neuroses and other disorders.

Or he may be a latent sociopath or psychopath.

His behavior is filled with aggression, rudeness and irresponsibility.

And he does not hear the feelings of others at all, he is heartless towards others.

In this case, male loneliness arises because psychological distress does not allow creating and maintaining safe and open relationships with people.

Read more about how to raise a dysfunctional child here:

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11. Failures in previous relationships

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Many men react very painfully to failures in relationships with women.

Gradually, they develop, forcing them to shun people and any relationship.

Most often, this fear is supplemented by an unfinished emotional connection with someone from the past, unforgotten resentment and anger, unhealed mental pain and suffering.

Past failures are strong men and steal his faith in himself.

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12. Loneliness syndrome

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These men have a very strong need for independence. They do not like unnecessary obligations and burdensome relationships.

Therefore, on occasion, they tend to abandon them. They do not like to let other people near them, they live in their own separate world.

The reason for this can be both character traits, for example, deep introversion, and unhealed emotional wounds of the past, forcing you to hide in the shell of loneliness.

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13. The tendency to self-development

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This inclination includes the entire spectrum of personality development: from building a career as a successful entrepreneur or bank manager, to a philosopher who has gone into self-discovery.

Such a man is simply not up to deep relationships with people. He either eschews them altogether, or is limited to only professional communication.

It is very difficult for him to find a balance between self-development, creative self-expression and personal life.

Nowadays, most often male loneliness is determined by building a career and financial well-being.

But, as you know, money and material values do not know how to communicate, it is difficult to exchange them for the luxury of sincere communication with people.

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14. Bad habits and addictions

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Most often it is alcohol.

He becomes a friend, an anesthetic friend, able to accept and soothe pain, smooth out the sharp corners of internal conflicts, look down on problems and even forget about them for a while.

An alcohol friend allows, by its presence, including an internal dialogue in which problems and life difficulties are discussed.

True, this dialogue is completely empty, and does not lead to any solution. It soon turns into a monologue as .

You ask: “But why then is it very often possible to see that next to the drinker there is always someone very devoted to him”?

Often this is true. That's just - this is not a sincere and close relationship. These are relationships formed on the basis of chemical and at the same time emotional dependence. This is codependency.